July 25th, 2001


The Long Road to Freedom

Mind Pains of a Falling Wall

     Another calm mood my mind is in, even if still extremely active.  It appears that LJ is allowing me to read more than usual.  Great for me.  Great for everyone.  I think I am going to start to write insanely more.  This will ensure less people prying into my mind, especially since I have some things in life I am attempting to sort out, and writing is the only way I know how to successfully do it.  It is like that movie The Quill.  Hmm... did I mention that already in here?  I think I did.  Oh well, it deserves another mention.  I was first watching the movie and thinking what an absolute bore it would turn out to be.  However, I was at Myles, and he rarely dissipoints me with a movie selection.  So we have the Marquis de Sade.  He is in the mental institution way back during the French revolution or something like that.  He writes smut.  He gets into trouble, however, he keeps writing.  He does so that it appears that no one can stop him, and the few times they set him back, he almost loses his mind.

Past Insanity Revisited

     I have travelled into that part of my mind.  I have been thrown into my own asylum, by my own mind, who sees me as a mental threat.  The only key I have to the world is with communication.  Unfortunately, communication is a difficult thing when relying on "friends".  It is as such because the fact all people in life, including the self, only look out to please the self.  Argue all you wish.  "Well I give to charities!  I am helping out other people, who is THAT doing action for myself?"  Simple, Jack, you are making yourself feel good inside by giving to others. "Well I never ask for sex from my lover!  I am there to support her and be there for her whenever she needs!  How is that looking out for myself?"  Well, Jack, you are ensuring a good exterior image to her, and possibly others, making you to look like you are a good person, and granted, you may actually be a good person, however, the fact remains you are doing that all for yourself.  I forgot which psychology class I learned this information from, however, I am thankful (?) to have been in it and learn what I did.  I sometimes wonder how I get to the happy point in life with all things like that understood by me.  Then I realize, I use the greatest forms of rationalization to cover all aspects, even if they are some times skewed, even for my tastes.  Rationalization makes everyone feel better.  Rationalization is what friends use to prove to themselves, more than to others, that they are good friends.  Rationalization is being used more and more obsessively each and every day.  If that is what humans are going to evolve to, a bunch of rationalizational machines, then let me take up arms, and have the world destroyed.  Some times I see how sick the world is.  I can see it because some times I allow myself to be tainted by it, and I do some of those sick things.  Of all the sick things, lying is the only thing that I have been saved from.  Everything else gone, some by my own stupidity and/or curiosity.  I remember curiosity taking my virginity at the age of 19.  I remember curiosity getting me to experiement with some drugs back in my day.  I remember curiosity getting me to do a lot of things.  Nothing of which I should regret.  In order to know myself to the person I am today, I think many mistakes had to be made.  Realizing my own weaknesses.  Understanding my own flaws, and my own mortality.

Racing the Clock

     Now I feel rushed.  The clock is ticking away, and I have too much to say but not enough time to say it with.  I had fun last night.  I spent time with dITZ and Jenny, and add to the picture Dennise and Lacy, two new Realities who played games with me.  It was fun.  They also liked my Mock 10, which made me happy as always.  I passed out there, and got clothes done.  Well, dITZ got clothes done, which is cool.  I also had a little Bible Study with them today.  I think I am going to bring my Bible to work and read between calls.  Let God know I am thinking of Him, so that He continues to think about me.
  • Current Music
    "Comfortably Numb" - Pink Floyd, Games of May; demo