July 3rd, 2001


I am the weakest link...

     It is good to know in life the weaknesses of our own Realities. I have come to grasp at least two of mine.

     Video games.  If ever there was a way to successfully manipulate me, it would be through video games.  I think of people who I would otherwise not give the time of day, just for they would be nothing more than people who want to use me to cure their boredom.  I see how those people can embrace video games, and I can end up chatting with them forever.

     Video game music.  A very dangerous weakness of mine.  Stringray shows how this comes to play.  We use to talk and talk for hours on the phone, and over half of it was both of us singing gaming music.  I see how that made me so close to him, like he was my own flesh and blood.  I would easily take my own life if it were to help save his.  It makes me glad, actually, that he is male and we are both straight.  For resistance would be near impossible.  Then again, I would have to search no farther.  That part of my life could co-exist with the rest of my Realities, instead of my currently scrabling hard to remove that part for good.  He is even been rather honest with me, more so than other friends.  Stringray buddy, thanks for being in my life.  My love for you shall always be strong.

     I did have to wonder why Pink Floyd was not added as a weakness, seeing as how I have reacted to some people with Floydian references in their name or information.  For example, the friend I went to see in Cedar Rapids, who I met as I was skimming AIM profiles, and saw the lyrics to "Wish You Were Here". However, I realize how many people fake Floyd. People who make the claim to fame on how much they enjoy the music, when in Reality, I know better.  It is true that I have experienced people to Floyd.  I have done it quiet often.  However, I just let the power of Floyd speak for itself.  Its independance from other music.  The uniqueness of everything that is Floyd.  There are many bands out there that either have the same sound, or all their stuff is simply the same lyrics mixed up to tell the same story in a different way.  My woman left me, or, I love you with all my heart.  Floyd does not take that approach.  The closest it does would be due to Syd B.  "Bike", from Pipers at the Gates of Dawn, is actually a song to his current girlfriend.  Of course, even that takes a song to your loved ones to an insanic level.  "I've got a bike, you can ride it if you like it's got a basket, a bell that rings and things to make it look good.  I'd give it to you if I could, but I borrowed it.  You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world.  I'll give you anything, everything if you want things."  Let's face it, Syd was never playing with a full deck of marbles, the reason the band kicked him out as fast as they did.  Drugs can mess you up.  Even the song, "Wish You Were Here" may be tagged by people as some sort of romantic song about someone you love (opposite sex), however, the Reality of it is that song was about Syd.  The wish that he was there.  Ironically, during the recording of that album, he WAS there, and no one recognized him at first.  I guess he was a bit larger, and looked old.  Haha, talk about irony.

     I actually feel happy.  There is a lust for life that still grows through my veins, even though previous entries might attempt to show otherwise.  I realize the loneliness I live being single, but then I come to the conclusion, when you are me, it is the price you must pay to maintain happiness for as long as you do.  I am generally happier than other people.  I do not need some woman in my life, mucking it up, to give me the illusion that, "now I am happy because I have someone to love and to love me." I would be lying if I said that I did not want that at all.  I know I do, and most likely will, ever time I see couples on television, with their kids, or even in real life, at the store, at the park... it hits a piece of me, that part of me that stands up and says, "Madd... we are a family people... why do we not have a family? Like those people." Then the smarter side of me just stands up and says, "Because there is no one who can handle us... the uniqueness of what we have come to be in life. Think of the many people who build up their walls due to things that have happened to them, so they treat us like crap.  Think of the people that do not give into our sense of honesty, those people who cannot even handle the truth.  The same hypocrites that would yell at someone for lying to them, turn around and get ANGRY at us for telling THEM the percieved truth!!  Think of that, Madd!! WE DID NOTHING TO DESERVE THAT, AND LET ME TELL US THIS IMPORTANT REMINDER, THERE DOES NOT EXIST THAT SO CALLED SPECIAL SOME ONE YOU ARE LOOKING FOR." Then, he goes through his list, makes his point, and then everything is all good again.  Any pain from seeing too many couples roaming around, and then it is off to the land of Pink Floyd, where the music will take away any pain and get me on my feet again.  After I am relaxed, I can continue my existance.  Aye, I still have some work to do.  Aye, there are still women out there who could smash through my defences and take that which is special to me at this time, however, I can always continue my search to realize I stay on this planet only so long anyway, and no matter what happens, I will exit it.  So let us enjoy what we have.  Let us not worry about who is having affairs on who in the long run.  Let's concentrate on the importants in life.  Pink Floyd, video games, and music.

... and now for something completely different...

     The days are having problems meshing into my Reality.  I keep thinking a day is a certain day, when it is not, and the day I keep thinking is tomorrow.  Thursday I thought it was Friday.  There was another one, but I forgot which one it was.  That is not a good sign.  It means that the days are moving slower from a perceptual stand point, and that means that my mind is struggling with something.  The days are going slower.  Maybe it is some attempt to "embrace" each day.  Or, maybe there is something in the near future that the mind is attempting to not make happen before its time.  I find that the more I dabble around in bending space and time, the more that crazy things happen in my life.  I do not see what would want me to put off seeing family this weekend.  I look forward to it.  I love family.  Hugs and kisses as far as the eye can see.  People who appriciate me... er... because they are forced to, haha!!  Yeah, the programming that we all have that if we do not love our family then we are messed up.  Some people are truly messed up by this definition, seeing as how they hate the family they have.  Not I; there has always been a love for my family.  Maybe that is what I should do.  Just go and live with family.  Then the loniness that is some times discovered by not having a special person in my life will indeed dissipate out for good.  I realize I have many human ways that still require being worked out.  Some day I will reach the ultimate goal, of truly not being human.

     A funny thing happened to me on ICQ a few days ago.  Someone wrote me and asked why I have not written them.  You know, that always kills me.  If you want someone to talk to you, then talk to them.  It is only after repeated attempts when they seem fridged to your emails, phone calls, IM requests, or what have you, that one should even think of saying such things, especially to someone with such a twisted sense of Reality such as myself.

     Booya!!  Credit card statemnt just came via email, and it informs me my ending balance is $2800+!!  Oh well... that should easily be paid off with the new job title and increase in money.  I think I am going to start saving up some money, just because I want to.  Well, once again, that time to get ready for work.  I should make one of these eailer.  Of late, I have so much on my mind... darn... and no one to share it with but me, mwahaha!!
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