July 2nd, 2001


What Do You Want From Me?

"As you look around this room tonight. Settle in your seat, and dim the light. Do you want my blood? Do you want my tears? What do you want? (What do you want from me) Should I sing until I can't sing anymore? Play this stings 'til my finger are bone? Oooooooooo. You're sure hard to please. What do you want from me. Do you think that I know something, you don't know? If I don't promise you the answers, would you go? Should I stand out in the rain? Do you want me to make a daisy chain for you? I'm not the one you need. What do you want from me? You can have anything you want. You can drift you can dream, even walk on water, anything you want. You can own everything you see. Sell your soul for complete control, is that really what you need? You can lose yourself this night. See inside there is nothing to9 hide, turn and face the light. AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAaaa AaaaaaaA AaaaaaaAaaaaa Aaaaaaaaa Aaaaaaa Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa What do you want from me?"

     I have this song on repeat.  For once, the current music is actually correct.  Well, the Salamander Boss ones I usually have on releat also.  This was types with the song.  I actually wrote it by hand with the music.  No cheating like many people do.  I only messed up one, I think.  It is not easy multitasking when the mind is not even on an established parameter of a norn for the self.  So much on my mind.  I sure do hope this does not lead to the insanity that I had a few years ago.  My brain was not filtering anything that I was thinking or saying.  It was like I had finally gotten my wish, to know what was really on my mind.  I see how important the EGO is against the ID and SuperEGO.  The problem was that I would also not come to an definite conclusions.  I like coming to a certainty on things.  However, at that time, my mind truly did slip away, and for the first time in my existance, I saw into the realm of true insanity.  For the first time, I yearned to hear the words that said I was not insane, and when I went to one of my Wal Mart managers, almost in tears because I thought I was going to lose myself forever, she replied, with true lexis, and stated, "You are insane, Madd, you are totally insane," and processed to scamper off.  I am not sure how my mind finally came to rest.  I still have the writings that I did, from following people around, asking about the malefic ways of society, and getting friends who would take my otherwise free spirit and actually be afraid of it.  I know that my current job uncertainties are not a major part in this current mood.  I just hope that I can hold off whatever would cause my mind to go into the realm of real insanity.  Oddly enough, I just remembered part of my dream I had, where I was with a friend, and we were in some sort of insane asylym.  We were escaping, and there was something about the escape that made no sense, but alas, I cannot remember the dream.  It is a sign that my subconscious realizes something is going on.  I just hope it tells me what before it is too late.  Thus, the reason for writing.  Like brainstorming, attempting to throw forth something that will give me a sign as to what is going on.

     I had fun over at Myles yesterday.  A quick reminder of my singleness, and the fact that equals no family, but that was easily dissipated away.  Also, as usual, he had to crash early, which was slightly discuraging.

     I am reminded of things that have been said in this world, of which two bother me more than anything. "I love you" and "I miss you". More often than not, I see these phrases being tossed around to save face. Saving face, I am noticing this more and more. I am also looking out for it more and more.  A part of an EGO defence mechanism that I attribute to people who do not want to be looked down upon.  People who want to remain important to others, and also people who just care only for their own self image.  There is a happy meduim there somewhere which combines a little bit of both, and adds a few more things as well.  To Madd, "I miss you" can easily be replaced with actions.  Most people who use these words on me, go overboard showing me actions that show they are doing nothing more than Saving Face.  I cannot blame them, for, I see this at the repair call handling center also.  A typical one, someone is attempting to give me their cell phone so that Qwest might contact them back. "I do not know my cell number. I never call it." There are many forms of this statement, and the more effort put into the excuses, the more I see people attempting to Save Face, so that they do not look like idiots that they think they will be percieved as.  You know... excuses are not needed.  Just say you do not know it, and move on.  The same for the friends who must always think they need to define or explain everything to an insane level.  I mean, if I ask for it, by all means, sit there for an hour and explain something.  However, when it comes to actual relations between a friend and myself, just get to the point.  Do your (plural) best to not Save Face with me, for Saving Face is not something I compute well.  A lot of those friends who Save Face, or attempt to I should say, do so with excuses.  Just except the fact you are not perfect.  I accepted the fact I am not perfect, and for the longest times I live an extremely esctatic life.  I have my off days, but that is expected when my blood gets tainted by those who I hang around, meaning all of society, people who I do not even ever meet or converse with.  Society gets to me, what it does, what it stands for.  If I had my way, I would bring Revelations now.  Judgement Day would be on Monday, since it means that the weekend before I am judged, I would spend with some family.  I look forward to the family reunion.  So, going back, I think more so than anything, "I love you" gets me lots.  People say this all the time, and some times it is a scripted respose because (a) someone screwed up and is attempting majorly to make up for it by a massive Save Face attempt or (b) some one else said it and it is a conditioned reply. There are other reasons people say it, and should not, but these two get me more than anything. Of course, in the "perfect" situation, it would be said by both parties at the same time.  It would be nice to find a friend like that.  It would show a closer junction of the two Realities.  It is also what this world should have more of.  I think "I miss you" is starting to catch up with the irritation stage.  Mind you, when I say it to someone, I do mean it, and by joe, I made actual action attempts to show it at some point.  Whether I picked up the phone, took the time to send a large email about nothing with the words scripted in there some where, or popped up on the front door step, I mean it.  I mean it more and more, as I find more and more people I associate distanting and/or dropping out of my existance completely, for whatever reason.  I do miss quiet a few people.  I think of others and think how the miss that I feel for them is turning into pure distance.  Distance is not a real emotion, like missing a being, and distance usually turns into a nil feeling.  Those people I have come across in life who at one point meant so much, however, they are only thought of in lieu of the actions or words of others.  Someone special who has the same name of someone I use to hang with, for example.  So there they are, in the active part of my mind, for just moments, or as long as that name continues to resonate in my working self.  Of course, that shall go away back into the storage bin.  I have determined that no one gets fully erased, even people from 10 or so years ago.  Something always has the ability to bring them up, if they had any part in my life.  Then again, there is always a full frontal lobotomy.  I always wondered what what would be like.  Maybe after I have found all of my prvious JOHD entries, and also written a few more stories, done more work on my web page, I just might try that out, haha.  See if "Pink Floyd" is able to jog anything up.  I see myself starting to really bog down on the staple diet of people who I associate with.  Some of it deals with being tired of putting up with these turn tables.  They are called such because all they care for is the self, and they will switch to any side that best suits them.  These people are actually a threat to me, for the most part, due to the Reality that I live.  I am not a simple mentality.  I am a simple person in myself, as to how I will really be, however, my mentality has many meanings, of which a majority come from deep down.  They are not surface meanings.  Turn tables, plus people who are defensive, and also people who build up walls to protect themselves, will usually take things at face value.  Taking something I say at face value is usually not a good idea.  It just does not work, as the whole goes.

     Speaking of work, this shall have to be cut short, since I it is past 0400p now, and I could write for another 4 hours.  Speaking of work, I end with more information about work.  I am learning yet more information on the transistion from surplus to working stock.  At this point, if I move, I show my areas would be near Council Bluffs (to commute to Omaha, Nebraska), or possibly some where in Utah, where the Mormons play.  The possibility of me moving at this point is about 1% in the next 3 years.  After 2 years of being a Screener, I can transfer out, however, once I start training, my pay goes to that of a Screener, and all transfer requests are nil and void.  Then, after that, it would be a matter of actual openings in the company.  Of course, I could always stumble across another job some where.  Anything is a possibility in life.  Also remember, there are exceptions to every rule, including the fact anything is possible.  Paradox, I know.  My own mind is a paradox, but that is fine, I am learning more and more every day.  Oh yeah, work is sparking some interesting dreams.  Deep down, I can see the anxiety, as I end up "tardy from break", and strange situations that are not possible, but I dream them anyway.  I think my food is done.  I feel almost as if I am talking to JOHD, however, I realize I could be talking to any number of people.  At this point, it is only confirmed that there is one person reading anything I write in here anyway, so, who knows.  I do know, I still write for myself more so than anyone else.  It is important that I stay on top of what is going on inside me.  The more I do this form of "brainstorming", the better chance I have to figure out what really is bothering me in life, and most important, figure out, who I really am.

What do you want from me......
  • Current Music
    "What Do You Want" - Pink Floyd, Division Bell; t2