Madd Martin L Kroeger (madd74) wrote,
Madd Martin L Kroeger

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Dark Anthem

-DVD TV: House (x4)
-not ready for bed: minus little X
-little X play list: National Anthem \ Dark Wizard track 5
-ready for day
-Aeon: music downloading
-Wii Sports/wi: 15 years added!!
-Zelda/wi: on to the desert
-TXT Jen: her sad thoughts

So, shortly after the stroke of the clock, went back to watching House.  I ended up finishing the first side of the second disc.  I think Jen slept through two episodes.  We were tired, and I ended up skipping on scrubbing for bed.  This did not mean I would forget about my little one, and I thought it high time to bring in the red, white, and blue.  First song was the National Anthem.  This song can be amazingly powerful when I listen to it.  The second one was the Dark Wizard 5 track.  I think Jen really enjoyed this, because she kept asking me what it was during playback.  Wow they make most awesome music!

So, woke up, practiced sex.  I think I remember how to do it, ask my shower.  Afterwards, got on the computer (since I just got off, hEhEhE!!), and I worked hard... haha!  Okay, no, I won’t.  Well, I found some songs I thought I otherwise was not going to find.  One was the SSBM Live soundtrack, and I found Final Fantasy Adventure... as well as about 20 other soundtracks all in one torrent.  I had attempted to install an FTP program, it started into something, and just stopped.  Aeon also tells me, often, even after rebooting, that my system resources are low.  Wow, imagine that.  So yeah, every single computer I own requires being formatted or thrown from the top of my garage.  Oh wait, Dr Lungae already had his format.  He is doing so much better.  Yes, this is frustrating.  I am waiting for my 360 and Wii to tell me I require formatting.

So, I played my games.  Wow, talking about age coming up to byte you.  I added 15 fucking years, JOHD, 15.  My word, I am losing it.  At least I got a bit further in Zelda.  This... may possible make up for it, in a little bit.  I really enjoy this Zelda, I do.  It makes me happy.

Well, today I got to experience something new, called CRS at work.  What is it?  Well, I am glad you asked me, as I would otherwise just detest talking to myself.  It is a... customer response shit, or something like that.  I have four functions, and they are done in this order.  First, I take care of escalations.  This is not much a function for me, as most of these are done earlier in the day.  Next, I take care of failed tickets.  When RCE is unable to process a ticket from the web interface over to LMOS, a ticket is created and send via email.  Tickets fail due to it not being a Qwest number (wireless), a ticket being updated too soon, a new or transfer of service that was handled by another provider, thus not in the LMOS system, and a few other reasons, like LMOS taking a dump and not telling anyone.  Third are the web tickets.  People who actually use the world wide web to put in tickets, as opposed to the stupid fucks who call in and tell me, “your automated system said I can put a ticket in on the web, but how am I to do that with no service” because for some reason, they think they are the only human in existence and heaven forbid there are other people who can actually use that system.  It is... fun, at times, seeing some of the things people send in via email.  The final thing is processing credits.  When a rep decides to give credit (which even I myself have done), then those also get sent out and researched to ensure that there is some logic to it.  Some people get credit from customer service, get over to us, and want us to also give credit.  Some people send in credit requests for a customer being out of service for a month, yet, there is no repair history, no open tickets, no service order information, or basically any information that a ticket exists anywhere in this universe (unfortunately, our systems are only able to exist in one universe, so any problems in another universe are not able to be detected by our system).  So those are the four things I do.  Yay for new job function!

Well, when Jen called me before I had gone to work, she was... well, something was wrong, and I was positive of it.  When I sent a TXT about it, it was confirmed, which later would be in an email to me.  Well, the email stated a few things that are slightly off key.  JOHD, what are you telling humans?  Points covered?  Once again, I am glad you asked me, JOHD, these questions are not going to ask their own selves.

Well, in reading information about going to Spark, for some reason, it was taken that the good weekend we had, was not as such.  I know that the feeling came, most likely sparked (no pun intended, this time) from her getting Alex ready for the trek out.  She added to the fact, that she was pregnant when doing this, it was cold, and that it took her months to accept to be okay with this fact, that I am going to go out and see Spark.  The added and actual point was that the first notice was Alex burning fuel.  See, this is one of the problems I speak of, and in this, I do not mean that there is a problem with Jen, but a problem with the interaction between the both of us.  This is how I can react to things, and it gets Jen sad, so, when I am not having a good day, I think of these things, and realize, that is Madd who is thinking in regards to gas as opposed to what this wonderful woman is doing.  That bothers me, and that adds to things in my mind, makes me think of things, and that is when I wonder if we are going to be able to make it through things.  It is not because Jen is a horrible person and is unable to treat me correctly.  It is also because I have so many problems of my own, like what I acknowledge to the world first, that while it may not bother her in the long run, it bothers me, and no human or Floyd on this planet can make me think otherwise.  See JOHD, not everything is the horrors of everyone else.  As for questioning the future between us after I left, well... I question a lot of things.  Of late, I question whether I am really deserving of God’s love, and by definition, I would be stupid of saying such a thing, however, how is wondering if I die that there is nothing else, showing how much I have accepted Jesus Christ as my ultimate Lord and savoir?  I can say and say all I want, my actions show to me that my actions may not be living up to par with my words.  There is nothing on this world more important than God.  Not Jen, not my child, not my own self.  Nothing matters to me more than God.  So, yes, I get my times, where I question things of a more mortal existence.  It happens.

She also mentioned about not complaining about time spent or games played, which also somehow lead back to being (8 months) preggo, and it not leaving me with happy thoughts.  Well, it is all of the other things that process in my brain.  You know, you do well, and someone might remember for a small while, if you are lucky, however, if you fuck up it is remembered forever.  I am human, I am not great in any sense of the world.  Many times I would like to think I am, as all other humans, however, too many things come back and put me in check on that.  All of us, every single one of us, think we are the greatest gift to this earth.  Some of us hide it to others, and some of us hide it to our own self.  However, no one has yet been able to prove that every single human only cares for the self above others, so, since that first step has not been taken, I do not see how proving otherwise on being the greatest gift is going to happen.  So, a bad fucked up thing happened.  It even started with an excellent gesture on her part, however, it translated with something else, neurtal on Madd’s part, that was looked negatively on her part, which was processed and concerned about on my part.

While it was noted to me to not be related to her sadness, the fact that it irked her, I want to express to you the importance of my ability to understand things, realize the insignificance to me, and the opposite to the other.  See, when I talked about Kellee, I did not mention the fact her and I dated or the fact we were intimate.  I did this for a good reason, which deals with past experience between the both of us.  She sees importance due to the fact that Kellee and I were an item at some point, however, that in itself lies the problem.  The biggest fascination with Kellee and I of right now really deals with the fact, that out of no where, someone who was a part of my life (intimate or not) decided to come back.  There are a lot of humans, of which not all are females, or people I have had sex with.  So since she decided to come out of no where and find me, it makes me more incline to want to hang out.  Also, once again, a strange form of communication when she states that she did not care to meet Jen, which, in no way did I say or show.  I wanted to hang with her, by my self.  I wanted to, because I have millions of questions, some of which are personal, because of this fact I have not seen her forever and a year.  The world does not revolve around Madd Martin, and this holds true for questions I might have on a first seeing since... um... ten years?  Well, give or take two.  It would be true of male or female.  With males, well, we are vulgar creatures, as the females keep telling us, so it is not as much a problem (even though, some guys I would run across I would want privacy with).  So, it goes to the fact, that Jen just up and... goes off, when it comes to women of my past, and you know, it just bothers the shit out of me.  I think a lot of it deals with the fact that it looks to me, deep down, like there is a trust issue, as if she does not trust me.  You know, JOHD, as mentioned to you, I have had my fair share of... insane thoughts, still, things in the world are just that, thoughts.  I wonder about things, like, if Jen died and I had a child, what would my world entail.  If I died, what would happen to the existence of those who know... er, knew me.  If I did not ever meet Jen, if Jen was an RPG freak, the list goes one.  Some things deal with sex, some do not.  Still, no matter what I think, my actions, I feel, speak for their own self.  Yes, I cheated on one girlfriend in my existence, and I used a stupid excuse.  That was the past.  So there is a trust issue, and it can get to me.  Turning it back around... some times, I just want to hang with people of my past, because memories are so important to me, and everyone seems to remember more than I do.

Wow, that is a lot of thought for a simple mental process.  I mention someone is a part of my sexual or intimate past, and this person becomes something who almost has to be monitored, and you know, I simply do not want that, so I am not going to talk about that which is not otherwise brought up.  Kellee is a human of my past, as in, not of the future tense.  I am honored that a human decided to stick around, unlike someone like Kit, who decided to go on her way and not ever talk to me or find me.  You know, with a name like Madd Martin, it is not like it is difficult to find me.  Anyone can do it, and a few have proven this thought.  Still, her email makes is sound like I am running off, not wanting anything to do with her.  {sigh}  My word, nothing to do with that.  Some times, I really wish I would capture the way she acts when I say certain things, so, maybe, just maybe, she would better see what I was talking about.

Well, one of the final things noted was how a baby does not keep two people together, something that I am very familiar with.  I know, there have been times where I wonder if not for little X, the two of us would have gone ways many moons ago.  Just like, I wonder if I am going to burn in hell, yet, it is not a thought that I think on a majority basis.  I believe, and think, a lot of what is wrong, deals with the fact, that she is... hormonally messed up.  My proof?  Well, I sent a few TXT here and there, in Maddian fashion, and she seemed to respond to it well.  It just makes me wonder... maybe it is time to close the Maddian doors to the outside world.  This is not the first time I have thought this, and it is not just Jen that makes me think this either.

So, the email was a bit of a downer... er, I mean, a massive one, only because, my poor girlfriend has to deal with the fact, that I am me, I know psychology, and process information in that... strange Maddian way that I do.  Did I mention that I had a bit of caffeine this day?

So as I was updating, I noticed (and remembered) that I had played FFV a lot while at Subway yesterday.  How funny is that, I missed it once, so now I am scattering to make sure it does not happen again!  How insane can I get?  Master of Maddness, signing off......


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