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Jan 8th, 2007

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23:50 - Chips

Madd's Log, Maddate 070107.76:
-pass out in living room
-ready for bed
-little X play list: Real Greg Brady \ Cirrus Minor
-DVD movie: Serenity
-poop: FFV company
-ready for day: minus food
-CiCi pizza
-return JAMAH: Jen/O fight
-Wii Sports/wi
-Wii Sports/wi: w/ Myles
-Jen/O convo
-DVD movie: Firefly

So after House, I started up Tombstone.  Jen was already passed out, and I knew that it was not going to take much for me to end up the same.  I was right on the money.  I had passed out, rather hard, on my extremely nice chair that is all in his lonesome in the living room, away from his family room family.  So, we got up, and I got ready for bed.  Little X was going to get a little comedy as well as some Floyd.  While it is difficult to ascertain at this point, I have a hunch that a bit of my Floyd is putting my child asleep.  Keep in mind, that the songs I have played thus far for the little one are Floydian songs that are extremely complex and deep, in the realm of calm.  In the music world, these songs would be the exact opposite of a stimulant.  So I think it is time to up the collection to some more, “upbeat” Floyd.

After waking up, and coming down stairs, I got the DVD movie in for Serenity.  Let it know that people playing games during a movie bother me, so do not let myself ever fall into that habit.  The movie, I knew, would answer some questions for Jen, even though she kept asking me things towards the beginning of the movie, as if I was going to give away plot information!  That woman could do a heap of good if she learned patience.

From there, I got ready for my day, which including dropping some kids off at the pool, which FFV was kind enough to give me company.  After finding out that the money attack would take Odin and trim him in 20 seconds, I wanted my party prep for when I was truly ready to take him down.

So we spent some time, gaming (Jen, cell phone), and writing (Madd, JOHD).  After that time, we went out to eat, as Jen was hungry, as I was also.  My plan to destroy Odin was well under foot, and he stood no chance, even with two of my people just sitting there, attempting to steal.  The steal did not happen, however given what I would be stealing and what I actually do, there was not much point on continuing to do something I was not ever going to use... as I already had two.

CiCi was well, even though they were slow on the Taco pizza.  Jen and I got into a little heated debate about FMLA.  Her take was from a medical experience, as that is what her job encounters.  Mine was on what I have seen and experienced at Qwest, with the fact at one point almost a fourth of our working force was gone, most abusing the FMLA system.  Of course, with that, Jen had to get her jab in about me going to the bar, and other things of that nature.  Still, it was not violent and we were able to leave it at that.  I sure do get my money’s worth when I eat at CiCi.

So from there it was to Wal-Mart, to pick up a bunch of household items, and a little of this and that.  Those stupid energy efficient flood lights with dimming were about $12 a piece.  Oh my fucking word, how crazy is that.  At least these ones were for the dimmer, as the other ones I bought did not work worth a hill of beans.  Jen wanted to pick up House if they had it, however they did not.

Well, after Wal-Mart, we headed home, where Jen again brought up the inevitable change in my living schedule, about not going over to Spark’s and getting drunk because she was getting closer and closer.  It is, obviously, an inevitable event, it is just how she keeps going about it that sparks me off.  Well, spark off is exactly what she did.  I more than did not appreciate the insincere way that she had made her comment, and I told her exactly what I thought of such a thing in a comment of my own.  I do not remember what she said... I do not remember what I said... I know that she went ranting on how I should apologize, when in fact she owed the apology in the first place.  Her after-remark on the subject was on how she “always” apologizes, which of late, she more than does not.  I do not remember an apology, that was actual sincerity, as opposed to, “mommy told sibling to apologize to the other”, that she has given me.  Then, she just started to act like a total an immature child, with the fast driving, door slamming, and other things that come of having a major attitude, pumped into it about 40 times more emotional instability, added with pain and suffering from carrying our child around.

After I brought in the groceries, and was told not to touch her, as I was doing my royal extreme most to calm her down, she went upstairs, as I went in the family room to enjoy my video games.  Enjoy... yeah, that is something I realized was not going to happen.  There was a lot that went through my mind.  A lot of anger, a lot of hurt, and a bunch of other stuff that I thought to say later when I was done.  However, I decided to simply park it.

As I was playing FFXI, once again failing miserably at getting my New Year gift, I thought on how I felt that I really am starting to give up.  We had that extremely long chat a while ago, and one of the things I was unhappy about with my self was how it seems I could be taking the path of giving up.  I realized, I was doing something that I realized that I could not complete, yet, I wanted to at least get the first part done.  I had not given up on this quest that I otherwise could not complete.  I am so bound and determined to complete the part I can, even though that in itself seems impossible.  It made me feel good... it made me feel good in that I did not give up.  I know there are some other examples, however they are not coming to mind at this time.

Well, Myles showed up as I was playing Zelda.  We watched X-Files, and he attempted to leave, however I insisted on bowling, as it is almost always a guarantee in happiness.  Watching Myles play is sometimes more fun than playing.  He did not tear up the scene like he did on New Year’s Eve, still, I am proud of the way he bowls.

So, I had to give you a quick break, as I had an emergency kid dropping, with hollering kids that were bound and determined to be sent to the pool.  As I was up there, of course, it lead to the greatest of my thinking times.  I am not sure the reason, however, when not disturbed, the toilet is one of the better places for me to think.  This is also a bad thing, for when things are wrong in my life, they tend to get hit at more often as well.  I know very well who the bad guy in all of this is, it is me.  Do you know how I know, JOHD?  Because every day at work when the 9th expecting couple in an area calls in about phone service not working because of an area outage, and I quote that possible 48 hour standard cable cut commitment, I am the uncaring bad person.  The comments that Jen make, the way she brings about things, instills that same feeling, only this time, since it is my child in question, that makes me the bad parent, or the failing father.  Society will instill this, the same as those people who call me up, backing up the woman and everything she does or feels, because she is carrying the child, she is going through the physical pain, she is going through the out of control inner experiences.  I have not, nor would I ever say, that she does not have the rough ride.  I know it is tough, that is one of the reasons on the car rid home, I told her that she was going through a lot, and I just wanted her to calm down for a second.  I do not have to experience having my hand chopped off to realize that besides being painful, it is a bitch to live with.

It is similar to the insanity defense, however.  Someone, who is completely insane, is able to get away with things that if you or I did, we would get time, if not a death sentence.  It is like society, my friends, Jen, and everyone else in the world, would tell me that I am a bad person, because I do not feel I should have to put up with a continuous assault of negative emotions, as if I myself should be some machine, without feelings or emotions of my own.  Every single time that Jen gets close to, or might actually go over, being out of control, it brings out a lot of feelings that I otherwise would not have on stand by.  No one seems to care, though, JOHD.  The closest I know to it is one human, who when reading something specific actually made a call out, saying, “Hey, Madd, you might also be going through a tough time.”  All my other friends who maintain the up to date which I have not done through a large portion of the important things, just give me the same mentality that my customers who call and complain, that I, for some reason do not understand.  A part of me realizes there are things I do not understand.  A good part of me now, however, has been through enough to understand rather well.  Question is, when are people going to start understanding the other side?  I know you are a set of 0 and 1, even though you start out as different.  So do not fret if I seem... cold to you.  To that, your very being would seem to be to opposite of what I have otherwise seen you as.

Of the whole thing, as I sat on the john, thinking, I realized a few things.  You know, I want to be thanked for the fact my nights at BJ are now cut short.  This is not due to a wanting habit, this was out of respect.  I want the many other things that I do to be thanked for also, as opposed the small things that I do that seem to piss off Jen, because she thinks I am inconsiderate, or uncaring.  I want to be thanked for the times I got up and did things for her, because she wanted water, or whatever else it was she wanted. 

Well, at some point of chatting with you, Jen came down, and things seemed... not so filled with anger, on both sides.  She made attempts at joking, such as a reference to me “starting early”.  I thought she was talking about you, however she was talking about the empty bottle of vodka sitting out.  Some point after writing more, I was getting ready to go to Spark’s, and Jen and I had a talk.  The talk was what I am sure we both would have wanted in the first place.  Two people actually communicating, as opposed to yelling and screaming.  It turns out the actual fight started when I made a reference to her when she was talking about Spark and my visiting him.  I did my apologies and meant them, because seeing what she says, I understand what she was hurt about.  I am not sure if I was able to explain to her in how some of the things she says can hurt without her realizing they do.  However, before heading out things were on a much better note.

Another thing brought up was how I seem to not care about going out shopping for a crib, or other things like that.  I just generally do not get all up and crazy about going out and doing things like that.  It bothers me that if I do not react in a certain way, that Jen gets upset or concerned about my feelings, just because I am not reacting in a way she would otherwise want.  There are many things in life that I pretty much well do not react to, and that is just how I am.  She would have to accept the fact that I do not show emotions the same as she does.  This does not mean I care any less.

I also addressed my concern that she did not want to be touched at all, and in the past, she would get more upset when I was not touching her, to show that I care.  So I wanted to address that concern.

Jen wanted to talk about how when things have gone on between the both of us, how she does not advertise to the world as I seem to do.  I think one of the first things that Jen should have figured out, when she first met me, is that is just how I am as a human.  I do not post things to make anyone look bad, I post things because I am just that open of a person.  It is not anything that changed since I met her, I have been open and giving of my world for some time now.  As I knew some of the things I was getting into, she also knew as well some of what she was getting into.

A leaving conversation dealt with my concern, that if she keeps doing things on purpose to get me angry, that it will eventually wear down our relationship to the point of really not being able to deal with it at all anymore.  She had calmed down and seemed to be better.  I wish the same could have been said for me.

On the way to Spark, I had to fight crying.  This was actually not due to Jen.  This had to deal with more thoughts about me.  Something about the whole interaction with Jen most likely brought it to the surface.  I remembered back when I first realized I was going to be a father.  I remember the feelings that I had, and the many thoughts that I had.  They were so powerful, that when I fantasized that something happened to little X, like dying, I would start to tear up in real life, however when I started thinking about playing with little X, at many various ages, I would start smiling and get extremely happy.  Those thoughts appear to be few and far now.  I wanted to fight back crying, because I was going to.  It could be that I am just overly emotional.  The notion that I pick up on those around me and reflect that have been holding rather true, when I think about it.  Jen gets overly emotional, and I seem to pick up on it and catch it.  The same happens when she is on the opposite end.  Does not always work, like here, when I want to cry, and it is not something related to Jen.  I cannot help think I have made a large mistake, and that makes me sad.  From what I hear, it makes Jen sad also.  She expressed how she has felt that I feel miserable.  She mentioned how horrible it felt in wondering how things would have been different had she miscarried.  The thing is, those thoughts have crossed my mind, and I know how it feels.  While I have gotten older, and thoughts are less clear than they use to be, some things still seem to press out rather hard core in my mind.  Little X not making it into this world is one of them.  Most of the time, I still have to fight back the tears just thinking of being given the bad news, that my baby is dead.  God lay me to rest if it ever happens in real life, just because, I am not sure I would be able to function anymore.  Okay, I am starting to get sad already, I think it time I move from this subject.

So I made it to Spark, and got a greeting as usual from him.  I had the honor of getting the first play, which was nice.  I like to play first some times.  We got to talking, and we ended up talking about the fact I was going to soon be on call, meaning not totally drunk.  Sparky had absolutely no problem with that what so ever, he only cared that we would possibly not have movie night anymore.  How is that for an unexpected surprise.  You know, it is strange how a lot of conversations with Jen and I are in regards to things that already took place or never end up happening, hEhEhE!!  People I am to meet (who end up ditching me), things I am to do (stop drinking, etc).  If you remove a lot of that, and over 78 percent of our main fights are changed.  Strange how life works.

Well, even though it has not even been a week, I got to see the Firefly pilot again.  Things make so much more sense not that I have been through it all, including commentary.  Spark did not make the association as to what we were watching, even though he pointed out Adam Baldwin, and each time a new cast member appeared, he kept talking about how he was not sure who it was, however he saw them before.  I got a lot of humor out of that.  After River came on scene, I decided to tell him why everyone looked familiar.

So that was the way I ended my night.  Watching Firefly had taken away the fact that there had been so much pain in the last part of the day.  It is amazing how into a great series can take your mind away from your entire day, and in a span of less than an hour.  Master of Maddness, signing off......

Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated

[[6 comments | Train your Brain]]


[User Picture]
Date:Jan 9th, 2007 06:07 (UTC)
Hugz for Madd. Rough times for all. Jen is experiencing things she's never experienced and is likely getting quite nervous/scared about the actual event, i.e. childbirth. No other woman can tell her what it will be like - because it is different for everyone. You are also going through much. Becoming a homeowner, sharing your living space - which you haven't done in quite a number of years - those are big changes for you. With even bigger changes heading your way. You are both edgy - and it is really quite normal. I'm sorry to hear about the fighting and the sadness/pain it causes. If both of you try to remember what you each want and what the other party is feeling - well.....

Shit! Who am I to talk? haha. As if I'm capable of maintaining any sort of relationship.

Just know I still care. I'm sending many thoughts and prayers for all of you - Little X, Jen and of course, you, my Madd. Big Hugz all around.
[User Picture]
Date:Jul 20th, 2007 00:51 (UTC)

i do my best to remember that

thanks for the hug. Aye, that she is, however it goes beynod just being pregnant. It goes with how she deals with stress, or otherwise, lack of dealing with. Not the only thing, however, I plan to chat about that on LJ soon enough.

Yeah, it has been forever and a day since I have actually lived with someone. I am not edgy by default, what I am, many times, is a reflection of the person I am around. A few times this was so true that I got "pains" that someone I was close to got. They had an arm pain, and I some how ended up feeling it. Very strange.

Biggest problem, that I shall address, is that we think on different operating systems.
[User Picture]
Date:Jan 9th, 2007 14:20 (UTC)
You know, it's interesting how many times in my day I stop and think about what I'm about to say, or type, or sign, or whatever... and really THINK about what's about to come out of my mouth or my fingers.

This is one of those times. I was about to ask you if you'd gotten my text last week telling you I was worried about you. And then I thought, "why am I making this about me?"

This is a blessing and a curse I have you to thank for (at least partially).

*hugs* for my friend.
[User Picture]
Date:Jul 20th, 2007 01:00 (UTC)

computer please do not delete this reponse this time

I cannot tell you how nice it is to hear you say that (well, i did one time already however the computer lost it {sigh}). "Why am I making this about me", is something very wonderful to hear, and I appreciate it very much that you shared those thoughts with me... so much so, I wrote it a second time!
[User Picture]
Date:Jan 18th, 2007 00:51 (UTC)
Putting up with women in the first place is a difficult. Putting up with pregnant women is even more difficult. Trying to wrap your mind around a complete life change because of a new life you're responsible for takes a while. I think that you're going thru a normal process and that you'll both be stronger in the end. However, I don't envy you the pain and difficulty. I pray for you often. Know that God is there and His Word is there for you always.
[User Picture]
Date:Jul 20th, 2007 01:03 (UTC)
It is not putting up with women, if you ask me. I think that many women put more into things than men do, in my humble opinion. My proof is that you do not hear many other men talking to other guys telling them how worried they are about how they are gaining weight, or you do not see men spending lots of money on makeup. Just things of that nature. The biggest problem is simply attempting to have someone who has enjoyed a life on his own by his self, who deals with the world logically, deal with someone who deals with the world strictly emotionally, and who lived her life pretty much well with other humans most of her life.

Keep the prayers coming.

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