Madd Martin L Kroeger (madd74) wrote,
Madd Martin L Kroeger

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Monopoly Death Trap

Madd's Log, Maddate 061002.16:
-DVD movie: Two Mules for Sister Sarah
-DVD movie: Denise Leary Roast \ outro
-DVD movie: Action Pack vol. 2
-pass out
-return pad
-not ready for bed
-Jen/O leaves
-ready for day
-return pad
-Aeon TV: Max Ex
-pass out
-1530,work: 2 HR OT released \ free parking
-bad thoughts
-email Starr

So the next movie on the block was Two Mules.  I unfortunately did not make it through the end, even though I got through a majority of the movie.  Then Spark wanted to do the rebuttal of Leary on his roast, and I think I passed out through most of that.  Then I decided to pull out Voltron, and I passed out through the majority of that also.  I think something is not right with the disc, for as I clicked on the second episode of Voltron, it kept going into Defenders whatever, the next and last thing on the disc.  I shall have to investigate this more.

So I returned home, obviously tired.  Jen woke up, as always, however we did not fight at all.  At least, if we did, I do not remember it :D  Tee-hee, no, really, we did not.  Funny thing is, after some point waking up, I had remembered what it was we talked about... something happened and I otherwise forgot most of it.

Well, one possible issue with that is what happened after I woke up.  While lying in bed, hoping for OT to be released and it had not, yet again the death and nothing more thought popped hard into my brain.  It was a mental image of things, then thinking what it was like to be dead, and nothing at all registering in my brain.  This thought has been with me ever since the loss of grandma K.  It upsets me, however, more on that later.

So I got ready for work, and as I am heading down the road, listen to hear that OT had been released, so I make a stop into Arby’s.  You know, that parmesan chicken is not what I was hoping it would be.  I would have been better off with either the French dip or that bacon cheddar sandwich kicked ass also.  As I stayed there, there was some guy talking, about how this is illegal, you cannot do that, and everything else.  Actually he mentioned that dumping coffee, something the DNR was doing, is illegal because it is littering, and yeah, he went on and on with his buddy there.  I could tell he is one of those humans who loves to spread “facts” and information, even though a lot of what he was saying I think he simply guessed or assumed was true.  It was entertaining to listen to him talk, just so he could hear himself talk, I shall give him that much.

So I returned home, watched and episode of Max Ex, and passed out for 10 minutes.  This was not planned, nor authorized as I did not set an alarm or anything.  Of course, I pass out, it is what I do well.  Then I headed back out, this time to work.  Yay to people who leave enough money for me in the machines!

Well... I would reply to emails to Jen, one of which was about my thought process about death and what I have been thinking.  Here is a direct quote:

“I am feeling a bit better now, even though I have not been in the best of moods.  Hey, you are not even close to the cause this time :)  I am very disappointed in myself, and I almost cried today.  I feel as if I have very much well let God down.  Just thinking about it waters my eyes.  The thoughts about me dying and there being nothing popped up yet again today.  It is not this thought that gets to me, it is the fact that I am thinking it: meaning, that I feel as if I have gone beyond letting God down, yet God has done so much for me.  It is so not right, and I have no idea the reason these thoughts pop in my head.  I only know they started the moment after grandma died.  Still, I see no reason I would sit there, imagine myself alive, then being shot or something, and then, nothing.  I wish it would go away, because the more it pops into my head, the more I feel I am betraying my Lord.”

I was almost to the point of tears a bit through the day.  God, I feel as if I have gone beyond letting you down.  I mean, I have no clue where this has come from.  Is it something originating from You, to get me to think about things?  Is it from the devil, a form of temptation away from my Lord and Savior?  Is it simply from me, due to curiosity gone wild?  I know for the longest time I always prided myself on the fact my belief in You was stronger than anyone I knew.  My ability to not flip out on every bad thing, because I knew it was all a part of Your plan.  The fact I could talk to You and realize some times You would respond.  You could do the “strangest” of things, and I would expect it to happen.  I was waiting for You to up and come down and talk to me in person.  So how ironic is it that now my mind keeps going on this tangent of when I die, that there might be nothing else after it.  Maybe it is a smack down from my holy high horse.  Maybe I deserve it, and maybe I do not.  Only You know.  As usual, I ask for Your strength and help in dealing with these thoughts.  I do not like them, and I do not want them.  It is not about being afraid of death, as to my knowledge I still do not fear death.  It is betraying You, my Lord, and that is the last thing I would ever want to do in my existence.  My love for You is unconditional, the only form of its kind.  You are the only one who this is possible with.  So help me, God, be strong and defeat these thoughts inside of me that torment me so.

I also ended up sending an email to Starr.  It was only a month and a half overdue, so I am not doing to insanely bad :D  {sigh} The big point here is that I did it, and I noted to her that it had nothing to do with her, for it did not.  I just simply put things off, way too much.  Of late, I have been much better in not doing this.  My contribution to you, JOHD, is a great example, as is the work I have done with my new house.  I only hope to keep this up, and maybe finally beat that which has haunted me since I was a young squirt?

YAY!  While talking to Jen during lunch I finally remember the conversation we had in the car on Sat.  She was talking about how a pregnant female has about 40 times the hormones than usual, and that a man would not ever (under natural means) come close to this.  I asked her if she saw the Mythbuster episode regarding sea sickness.  It was shown in that episode how placebos can work well.  The cross point to the conversation was how the brain truly is powerful and can affect how the rest of the body works.  You know, people get urges to have sex and kill and murder due to a chemical flow in the body.  Something like the power to want to reproduce is strong.  If not for this power, then we would all mostly be dead by now.  I do not deny that there are powerful forces at work in a woman’s body, especially pregnant.  To up and just note hormones, and leave it at that, makes those hormones that much more powerful and affective at doing whatever it is they are doing.  I feel when she finishes school, which I have total faith she can, that a few more psychology classes will help put something like that into perspective.  Of course, her brain will be more damaged like mine, hEhEhE!!  Yay to remembering things!

Welcome to Qwest repair, callers.  Fucking moron CALL FROM A DAMN PHONE WE CAN HEAR YOU FROM.  How fucking retarded stupid can you get.  Also, if you reported to the fucking PUC then DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE TELL ME YOU THINK IT IS UNJUST OR UNFAIR OF AN $85 DOLLAR CHARGE ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ALREADY WENT OUT TO THE FUCKING BOX AND FOUND IT DEAD.  Wasting over nine minutes of my time on TIC when you fucking tested out there is going to not only get your negative karma points, I am going to fucking hunt you down in another life and kill you, slowly, for being so fucking stupid that you in your own self is proof to an alien race that humans need to be destroyed, for thanks to you being that fucking anal there is no jury in the universe that could save us.  Perry Mason would fail.  Matlock would fail.  No one could save us because of the fact you are the biggest of all fucking losers.  Fuck off and die, eat shit and choke on it, dumb fucking idiot.  Other than that, I don’t thank you for using Qwest, have a bad day.  Oh yeah, and we do not do car insurance quotes, so get the hint and drop off my line already!  Master of Maddness, signing off......


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