Madd Martin L Kroeger (madd74) wrote,
Madd Martin L Kroeger

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Damage Magnet

Madd's Log, Maddate 060927.36:
-0000,McD: Alex hit and run :(
-return pad
-Jen/O argument: bringing up the past \ her inability to be supportive for me
-Aeon TV: House, Eureka, TNG
-not ready for bed
-Jen/O leaves
-FFXI/pc: special sand
-ready for day
-echat dITZ
-Raine: forum work \ rude coppermine support
-echat Melissa
-pop Mair
-2200,over to Jen/O: 1 HR OT released
-BJ: no regulars
-sing Auqualung
-sing See Emily Play: Jen/O request
-sing Big Empty

Well, I head out, in a now decent mood, to get ready to pick something up for Jen when I notice... my fucking word, again, someone smashed into Alex. This time, drivers rear side. I could not fucking believe it. So I am driving on my way to McD, and I am about to lose it, I mean, what is going on? You know, even if I had full coverage, this would still be as expensive as shit. The fact I do not, means that by the time I get Alex in, it would be cheaper to get a new car. It is just beyond frustrating. People smashing into things and not having the fucking courtesy to stick around and stand up for their mistakes. Much negative karma to them all.

So since Jen wanted a Coke or Pepsi, I went to McD to get a meal, which would allow me food as well. I got home, and explained what happened. Jen thought that maybe it was there before hand, even though, how in the hell could I overlook something like that? So I would have looked forward to just watching TV and going to bed, however it was not going to stop there. A very familiar theme would repeat, where Jen was making attempts to “fix” things and I would not respond. It finally got “usual” when I went to wash all that salt off my fingers (you want potatoes with that salt??) Jen would cop a very massive attitude. She would use a comparison on how when she does it she is a bitch but when I do it is wanting support. The problem with her analogy is that when I seem to “go off”, something VERY BIG has happened, like the death of my grandmother, the other time Alex was smashed into... I mean, these are serious events, that she some how manages to come around and make about her. If this is not a sign of selfishness, I am not sure what is. As she was on the couch, arguing, she started to bring up things I have done in the past, about how I use to this or use to that. Since we are talking about the past, let’s talk about how many times she has gone off about me holding a grudge, or bring up the past, a habit she has gotten into a lot lately when agitated. Well, I cannot actually count that, JOHD, only tell you it exceeds my finger counting abilities. Let’s also talk about her reference how I see her as a bitch when she does it. You know, when this started, I did not throw down any attitude towards her. There was none until she opened up the can. I need not do anything but make a silly joke about something on her side, and she flies off the handle. She is wonderful in accepting a lot of this is her doing, until something comes up, and then that is all erased. The way she so easily erases it at her time of leisure, I really am start to wonder the sincerity, just like when she said she was sorry about something, there was a massive snappy crude attitude with it, very similar to a sibling being told by a parent to apologize to the other sibling. You can tell they are just doing it to conform, not because they mean it.

What really chaps me about all of this, is that in the event anything goes massively wrong with me, I am just going to have to start taking a vacation from Jen. I cannot go to her, for some reason, she does not have the ability to handle venting, or to simply be there. It was funny that within 24 hours here, I believe I got an email from her regarding how dad’s to be want to help fix problems with their pregnant wife, and some times, that just simply is not possible. She asked me what she is suppose to do to be supportive. That right there is indication of problems. It is like telling someone, okay, when someone’s mother dies, here is a list of things you may want to take into consideration; these things you do, these things you do not. {sigh} How do I spend the rest of my life with someone who cannot support me, or understand what it means to support someone? I see more irony in that I am told, often, how I do not understand what she is going through, despite all that I have shown regarding realizing she is going through some difficult things with little X. Turn around and look on the other foot, I do not see where she shows understanding for MY feelings. I am treated as if I was just another chump, male with penis, with no feelings or ability to express them. Like, my car gets damaged and I should jump at the chance of being able to get out my man tools and fix it myself, as opposed to being sad, wanting to cry, because it seems like a never-ending flow of things to come. Actually, I swear my old man made a trek up here just to bash it in and go on and on about how I “need” full coverage for my car, something I do plan to do once CBS gives me an estimate of combined car and house insurance.

Well, I went into the other room. As typical with her, she thought I was watching “our” shows without her. I had even called her in about 4 times as I heard her upset in the other room, which later would turn out she simply did not hear me. It did not take her long to calm down, which when laying next to me, how in the hell is that NOT possible? hEhEhE!! House was nice, and I really enjoyed Eureka, even though naked meanie had passed out before it was over. I saved it as I suspected she would want to watch. That reminds me, it seemed to clip the very beginning, and I checked to see the next airing, and it appears that they are doing a massive marathon of every single episode before the season finale next week. {sigh} Yes, JOHD, I said season finale. While I may not be obsessing anymore on myspace with Jack Carter (I am like fire, you have to somehow feed me to keep me going), I am very strong core on the fast track of the show still. So, it appears season one is coming to a close. Drat.

I ended up ending the night in one of my favorite fashions, watching Lieutenant Commander Data attempt to have no emotions, yet make references like, “with pleasure, captain.” The episode was “We’ll Always Have Paris”. It is very easy to see all the old Gene episodes before he passed away compared to the ones after. The old ones were filled with more action, and some almost a bit graphic. I still enjoy both, as I thought character development was most excellent in the later years, and the tie in with other episodes were very top notch as they went on.

Well, I would also end the night in one of my favorite ways, passing out, only that I would pretty much well make it through the episode, minute five or so minutes. So I would actually wake up at a decent time, I think it was around 1128 or so. I got some good FFXI done, and by good, I completed a part of a mission, which is in two main parts. I got a little lost in the mines, and had no map. Thank goodness for internet and another computer, mwahaha!! I even ended up shutting down a bit earlier than I told my compulsive self I would do. Yay for Madd!

As I got ready for work, I started thinking about the current relationship between Jen and myself, mainly the inability to properly communicate. A lot of the problems we have with communication I have actually put on hold because of the baby. The baby was another problem I was thinking of. There are a lot of women on earth, that in a relationship that is anything but nice, think that having a child can fix it. They attempt to get pregnant in thinking it will fix things. Some guys even agree to this philosophy. Some where in the mind of Jen, there are thoughts, whether subconscious or conscious another story, that little X is going to ensure that Jen and I end up together, or I at least am not going to end up with another human. The problem is, that this is anywhere far from the truth. I’m really not attracted to Jen. I think of how I first saw her, back during my holiday, and how she has looked for some time since then. Attraction, for me, is very strongly related to the personality of the person. I think of all the people here at Qwest I was hot to trot for, and how every single one of them, minus Jill/Q, do not look anywhere close to as appealing as they use to. Oh yeah, I am still attempting to figure that whole Jill/Q issue out. I know part of personality that attracts me is flirtation. Jen use to, now she does not. This behavior, mind you, could very well be the fact that she feels unattractive. I keep that into strong consideration. I also know her body is not in the mood to do a lot of things. There is, unfortunately, only so much this body can take. I am ashamed it is true, however I can feel it in the very essence that is my genetic makeup. Deep down inside, I am just a little school girl. Oddly enough, the only time I seem to not be is when I am engrossed in something, like my video games: transportation outside of the real world. Transportation... man I wish I had that ability in FFXI already.

Well, before heading out to work, Jen left a message on Alex. It was an apology note as well as an information note about Alex. The apology was for how she acted (did seem a bit short, of course on the flip side, it was a hand written note on Alex which did make me happy). The note was that Alex appeared to have been damaged earlier, so this was something I somehow... overlooked {sigh}.

As I was doing Raine work, I got saw some rude support in the coppermine support, after my question was already answered. A moderator went on how you don’t “destroy” you “uninstall” and how I should not be doing things like that if I do not know what they are doing. Stupid fucktards, that is how you figure out what NOT to do in the future, pushing buttons. I did not even know I was installing anything, as it does not state that I am. What an ass. I have seen in the support board similar comments to other users also, especially new users.

So, more fun going over the past and what was between Melissa and I. While some of it was fun to go through, some of it was... not so. I mean, it reminded me that due to my obsessive-compulsive entreaty for honesty, that I no longer talk to Gretl who was so close to me, the irony being that now they both are best of friends. It is strange how things like that work. It is also how strange my obsession is with finding of the truth. I make Mulder look like nothing, hAhAhA!!

You know, it is amazing how much I miss the days when we actually experience no queue. These days, it is more and more difficult, as they are not replacing the work force that leaves/gets fired. I get much taken care of with you, and I get much taken care of with other personal things. That makes me happy. I may not get paid to sit here and do personal things, still, it is nice to be able to get things done. This makes Madd happy.

Yay to OT being released, so I headed off to Jen’s, and from there we headed to the bar. She had a few things on her mind, one of which was in regards to you. She wanted it noted that she is not happy, but relieved in me not talking to Jess anymore. Of course, my whole point is that I am talking from experience of what I have seen of her with conjunction of her subconscious. The argument over the bras that were hanging up was a good indication long ago, as well as many other things she has said, commented, hinted, implied, and reacted to. Sure, to her she would be a bit relieved, I would not doubt it at all. I simply was not talking on that line, because... you are my mind, you help me process and think things out. Oh yeah, when we got their, the ending discussion went on with how I am so not licensed, as if that in itself means that I have no clue what I am talking about, or have the ability to observe. This coming from the person who has not even completed college, hEhEhE!! Actually, that really burns my griddle when people go off on how someone does not have this or that and should be reflection of what they know on the subject. Einstein failed math. Bill Gates dropped out of college. Yes, there are many, and you know, I hope some day to go back to school, and finish up my psychology degree from a minor to more.

Well, the bar scene was very slow. Very few singers, even though poker was pretty high for so little people being there. More people did end up showing up, including a crowd of people who were being rude... that or I am really getting old and hearing things. Third song sang, every time I attempted to even hear myself, I could not over their continuous chatter that was almost to a point of yelling... then it would get quiet, then it would get loud. Jen made a note how I seem to be sensitive to this, however, I do not think she understand the reasons I have had issues with singing and paying attention. Yes, it is true, these people came to a bar, however, what if I started screaming at the top of my lungs disrupting those around me, just so I could chat with my one friends, and “make conversation” with the others? I should hit a different medium if chat is that important. There have been times when I have had issues. With Jen, I was just having a few of those attention wanting days. There were also a few times someone SO WANTED me to sing a song, when I would have rather done something else, so I would, and during, they would completely ignore me. Yeah, well, I resolved that problem, I stopped doing requests for those people. If you want a song, fine, just pay a little respect to it. You know, like clap or say thanks or something. The few times with Jen, well, I was just being a bit clingy. Imagine that, me clinging to her :D That, however, is something in the past that I no longer do. So yes, when people are getting loud on purpose to a point I cannot hear what I am even singing, I sure am going to have an issue with that. I otherwise do not care. Of course, if they want loud, I can do loud.

On an interesting note, the unattractiveness I spoke of before would be challenged, as I would notice just how beautiful Jen is. She was wearing a boob shirt, something she rarely does, and while I was playing around just staring, I would admire the rest of her. Oh please, JOHD, I can check out those things almost anytime I want, it is not like I do not have access to them. Still, she looked really good in that shirt, and I think some of this also deals with the fact she actually talked to me, even though she still assumes a lot in how I would react to things believing “how I was in the past”, even though I have proven that I do not follow a pattern. Go figure. Still, wow did she look good. Maybe she is ovulating again, hAhAhA!!

So same old song and dance, getting yelled at during a time of despair, and unsure if this is a permanent thing or not. My day would have coded out higher if not for Alex being a magnet for damage. It is really nice that Jen knows how to be sorry, even if it is a bit later than it could be. Still, I love her very much. Master of Maddness, signing off......

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