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Jun 9th, 2006


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23:13 - Zombie Nation

Madd's Log, Maddate 060608.45:
-sing Zombie
-sing Paradise By the Dashboard Light: group song
-Donavan’s Jen/O affection shower
-sing Shine on You Crazy Diamond: Larry/BJ request
-drunk parking lot chat w Jen/O
-over to Gem’s
-Jen/O - Donavan make out session
-over to Shari/BJ
-passed out
-sex
-return pad
-poop
-not ready for bed
-slept
-cold bed!
-FFXI/pc
-poop
-Kameo/360
-Joust/360
-Hexic/360
-ready for day
-1430,work: 1 hr OT
-pop Jess: not in good mood highly upset \ more anger and venting on guy spreading rumors/lies about her \ tired of caring and being stomped on \ advice miss her and she is speechless
-caffeine
-busy day
-Raine: Jen/O emails \ myspace work

So I decided to sing Zombie.  With the talk of Kit, this song came to mind, as I associate this song with her very much.  I sang it rather well, seeing as how I was doing shots in the middle of singing it.  Man was I getting drunk and loving it.

I must say, Donovan was eying Jen as if she was a long lost love.  I know he was drunk(ish) and that may have had something to do with it.  As the night went on, he went more into it to the point of kissing her, almost all over.  It was quite the sight.  From time to time, he would go off in space.  Like he would come up and attempt to sing with me, and, well, he was just drunk by the end of the night.  How jealous could the rest of us be?  While I was not as trashed as he was, I was pretty lit up.

So Jen wanted to talk about something later, and we went outside to talk.  This would mark the second time that I would hear her say that she loves me.  The first time was the argument on Mother’s Day, after breaking my knee, being in a massive argument mid-day, and telling her that she should simply move on.  This time... drunk?  Who knows how drunk she was.  I know I was drunk enough to not properly register the conversation.  I remember love, and I remember something about a ring thing that got put on my finger. 

So we went over to Gem’s.  Before heading over, I realized I had not paid my tab yet (which was to go on dITZ tab actually).  I went in, and it turned out that Donovan already paid the whole thing, and it was well over $100.  Wow, how massively nice and considerate of him!  So then we did end up at Gem, and Donovan ended up all over Jen/O.  The amusement I originally had was soon ended, however, when I noticed how she was embracing him in return.  You know, for someone who rationalized how he is going to be far away and nothing is going to happen, that quickly did change.  This... caused a massive problem with me.  I was genuinely hurt and upset over it.  It had nothing to do with what Donovan was doing, it was what she said and claimed to what she was doing.  I ended up not staying long, as I no longer wanted to be there.  They were outside making out, and I was off to Alex.  I ended up calling Shari.  She was the only person that came to mind in regards to someone who cares and who could comfort me.  As I remember at the time, there was no thoughts of sex.  Of course, with as drunk as I was, it was difficult to remember if any thoughts were there at all.  I wanted a hug, very much so, and I went over to her place to get one.

I got there, and... well... it was not long before I was totally passed out in her bed next to her.  I think I was out for about 1.5 or so hours.  I ended up waking up, and then... well... I got slightly aggressive.  Not aggressive in a rape fashion or anything, I simply went from being my usual passive self, letting the other human do all the moves, to doing things, and continuously asking, “If you want me to stop what I am doing, let me know”.  The most important fact to me was that I was not doing anything unwarranted.  However, another thing did bother me.  As I remember Jen/O running in my head and all that was happening, and the pain, and the hurt, I think some of my decision was to put my mind else ware.  Oh, it worked rather well, mind you.  Soon enough, there was really only one thought in my mind, and that was my member in Shari.  At first, it was difficult as my body was NOT up to par.  Most people in that state would have quit, however, I am not one to believe in quitting, hEhEhE!  Even though I did not complete, the whole experience was enjoyable.  Please note however, JOHD, this does not constitute what I meant by being intimate with Shari again that I noted.  I care for Shari, she has rapidly become an important part of my existence with the kindness and caring she has shown me in the time we have known each other.  While there was the one comment sent via IM to my computer that bothered me, it is totally shadowed by all the great things she has done, said, and felt regarding me.  To that, I feel even worse, as I leave her place, get my two+ hugs, and head home.

Then the cold grip of Reality kicks in, and I realize the rest of the drama flooding my existence is still there.  Hey... Jess is not on the list!  How wonderful is that?  Things do not seem as painful, and I start to question some things I know I will be thinking about when I wake up from sleep.  I sent a very quick email, which in the future, would be the catalyst for a long strain of emails.  I would be rarely late for work, and people might say that I am “emotionally retarded.”  -lol-  You have issues, son.  The email did include the note, “for someone who does not make out with people first met you sure had a good time last night.”  As a reminder for when you read this 60 years from now, diaper will with poop, this was a reference to her embrace of him, and not ANYTHING to do with him.

You know, the comment I got bad said she never said make out, she said sex.  Yet, this important conflicts with something that, up until now, I held very dear and important to me.  More so, unlike the necklace incident, there was actual clarification.  Oh, yeah... it was told to me, back when the Shari drama first started with her, that I went to her bed, and I fucked her, while I wore the key around my neck that went to the heart around her neck, that notes about the person who holds the key to this heart.  Well... it was always very strange that this was as big a deal as it was, as, when I got the gift, I wanted to get something that signified friendship, and that how two people together are remembered through these “devices”.  Oh, I could have gotten the one about the mother daughter, or the sister... however, I am horridly configured for being a female (even though I bet I could suck dick better than most of them, haha!).  Well, there was another option, it dealt with being in love, and as this was a one month anniversary gift, and my feelings were not to that stage, that left me with one choice left.  It is a reminder.  Someone such as myself does well to have such things.  I forget I have a mom, I forget to pray to my God, I can forget at a time a close friend.  Also, I had to hurry as I was suppose to meet her for diner at Ryan’s.  So, she associates some value, apparent by her cramming “how could you while wearing that”, to this.  The point, by the way, is not of that time, it’s the follow up.

The follow up is that, here we are in the past, Jan 13th, making out, and I am told how this does not happen.  I am getting the confirmation of the extreme importance of what is happening between her and I.  I am told just what this time we are sharing together means, because it otherwise has not ever happened before.  It is not just a matter of this is the first time it has happened with her.  It is the STRESS of this fact.  You know, someone down the road tells a flat out lie.  Yeah, it sucks, however, we manage.  However, what happens when that person who does the same even, yet, the person is Madd Martin?  My word, then the entire fabric of at least a dozen lives goes into a tail spin.  The person famed for pure honesty now has flat out lied.  Yet, the not-so-famed person does the same lie... eh, just another human doing another self centered lie.  See, JOHD, this is how the events here translate, and this is the reason I am so hurt and upset.  I care a great deal for Jen/O and I want her to be happy, yes.  I do not want it to be at my expense.

So that was just that comment, there would be much more.  The just of the emails was, in my mind, Jen/O is hurt and wanted to cope with the pain.  You know, to me, I saw a lot of rationalization, to put the blame on me for what she did.  It gave her an excuse to be able to venture out and get what I know for a fact she craves very much.  That is close, personal, affection.  It is that feeling that I am such a great human being that someone notices and wants to shower me with lovin’.  She also went into me not remembering the conversation last night.  She never did tell me what it was that was so important to her.  As far as I know, I remember the info, just do not have a pointer to it.  As some times some one says, “we talked about this and that...” and I am like, “oh yeah, and that lead to this and that.”  Then there are times I hear, “we talked about this,” and I am like, “Wow, we did?”  She also was a bit snotty in the first real response to me, because she thought the email I sent her was something it was not.  She did end up apologizing for that, and it was much appreciated.  It was noted it seemed like that I was saying was to make what she did wrong.  She mentioned about how it was *I* who changed the rule about taking people home first take, and should I forever be the exception to the rule.  Yeah, very much well did not get the whole point of that conversation.  In fact, it pretty much well passed blame to me.

Oh yeah, a very important piece of information to note here, and so that you, being female yourself, can translate best with exact wording, here is a quote of something said to me, “I have not done anything with malicious intent to purposely cause you jealousy – though, I will be honest that the thought crosses my mind often”.  Often, JOHD, often.  This female who claims so much to love me has the thoughts of doing things on purpose.  This was taken from a note when she noted she was glad I was a little jealous (which I stated the possibility, I was not claiming it to be true).  I know of only one human being who not only had the thought cross many times, she up straight and did it.  Remember when I use to NEVER have sex without a condom?  Remember the first time I did have sex without a condom?  Yes, the same.  Besides being a concern, this is something that should be closely observed.  I will admit, the fact she said it notes an honest attempt to bring about feelings, and that will not go unnoticed.  Still, it shows the type of things that can go through her mind, and who knows when she will react on them.  She has done things in the past that were straight up attempts at inflicting pain.  As to some of those being on purpose or not, well, that is another story which now I am no longer sure I know.

So there was much going on, of which much of this tied into the first part of work.  It came at the cost of my customers (extra hold time, make busy, etc), however I am sure they all understand.  It is not like any are in a hurry to get their service repaired, hEhEhE!!  There was much of her apologizing and feeling bad for what happened as well.  There were a lot of “I am sorry” and the similar.  While they are greatly thought of, that part of me that keeps things in check would like to remind you, Madd, of the following.

Regarding forgetting things, and having sex when drunk, and doing stupid things, and messing up a lot of your life, I am sorry.  I apologize, I am sorry.  Sorry, really sorry.  I am sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

As you can see, Madd, typing down in the form of 0 and 1, saying sorry is a simplistic thing to do.  To that rebuttal I shall rebuttal.  Some humans, and you have come across plenty, do not say and would see no reason to say they are sorry.  We can simply stick with our rationalizations as to what we did was some how justified, so live with it.  To the rebuttal of the rebuttal I submit a rebuttal.  While that indeed is the case, and she does otherwise show that she is sorry, realize that she is in that boat of wanting something, me.  In a logic sense to her own brain, to not say sorry would only further insure nothing happened between us.  As mentioned in one of the many emails (she sent a total of 9, something I was unable to unfortunately keep up with), she said, “I want to be with you - if I can’t be with you I want to keep trying my damndest.  I want to cling to every last shred of hope I have left for you.  I want to wait and wait for you to come around and give me one more try.  I want to stay close to you, even when you are pushing me away”.  Jen is not a dumb girl, she has much intelligence about her.  It is one of her adoring qualities.  One thing I get attracted to is a sexy mind, and part of sexy mind is smart mind.  Ok, off tangent.  Point being, she is smart, and knows what not saying sorry could post as.  I could continue to rebuttal each rebuttal until the second coming of Christ.  The point is, the sorry is noted, however, it is the actions to the words that are to be observed.

Going yet further in some of the emails, another important aspect noted on her side was how frustrated she is I do not just up and tell her how I feel.  The way she noted it, I almost see phishing being done, attempting to get me to say actual words, as if they were there, and I am simply not saying it.  {sigh} I so cannot get this point across.  I really do not know how I feel.  I know I was thinking of a bunch of people, and how I owed you a long post (unlike this short one, right?) about some of the females in my life, and the love I have for them.  She did appear for some time in the list of women to talk about.  That thought has long since passed from thinking it.  Do I love her?  Is it there and I am just not saying it?  There is a lot that deals with actual love for a human.  The person I love, and tell on a regular basis, have gone through a process in my brain that constitutes love.  She sent an email many moons ago about all these reasons that I may not be saying how I really feel (love).  Not wanting to fall pray to hurt, repression, and a bunch of other thoughts, all valid for the thinking.  Each one has valid merit.  Even so, there are many other things that could play a factor.  I really do not know what to think about her.  I think a lot of that deals with the type of human she is turning out to be.  It is important that humans understand, I do not love just due to obligation, like the rest of the world tends to shift to.  Just because I have parents I do not love them.  Just because I have children does not mean I up and love them.  Just because I have God, creator of everything in existence and beyond, does not mean I am obligated to love Him.  I love my children because they give me reason to love them.  I love my parents because they give me reason.  I love God because He gives me reason.  Everyone gives me a reason to love them, everyone gives me a reason to be in love with them, everyone gives me reason to not care for them at all, or to care for them a great deal.  I take everything about... whatever, and I step back and look, and there you go.  Many times, there are a lot of unbound information that makes understanding things unclear, and there are the problems with my own self that get in the way.  I simply do not always know how I feel.  She is pushing very hard to get something that is not there.  She has a knack for that, unfortunately. 

So yeah, a very busy mental day for work.  Good thing I had a nice cold bed for once to wake up to.  Jess vented a bit about the things continuing with her and the rumor mill.  Nothing said sparked a nerve or anything else.  I even went as far as telling her that I missed her, as I see of late that I do.  That left her jaw on the ground.  This has something to do with my feelings of late, where I find I am missing LOTS of people, and it does not take as long for me to register it, like the time I found myself missing Jen.  I also found my self going from some anger and hurt towards Jen to feeling bad for what I was feeling.  I had to contemplate if there was actual jealousy somewhere in that ball of everything.  I really dislike jealousy in others, so you could imagine if I start to feel it how I am going to react to it.  I really attempted to logically break it down to check for the possibility.  I noticed no feelings close to anything like that when he was kissing her.  Nothing triggered anything, minus actual amusement.  So that added proof to it not being jealousy.  Me leaving early from Gem’s place and flying off to another woman for comfort of sort, well, that added proof of it being jealousy, as to me, that is something really a jealous person does.  I add the fact I was drunk, and thus off my emotional rocker, and, yeah, it would appear there was definitely a form of jealousy.  So, shame on your Mr. Madd for being jealous.  Knock it off!

So this is how most of the night ended, only it was all in thought, as we were too busy for me to continue to be able to do email, especially when I had yet to take care of you!  So recap for the day?  Oh you much be fucking kidding me...  I already forgot most of what I wrote :/  I guess to sum it all up... I love lamp.  Master of Maddness, signing off......


Current Mood: gloomygloomy
Current Music: "Battle" - Working Design, "Lunar OST"

[[2 comments | Train your Brain]]

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:eyes_of_cyrene
Date:Jun 10th, 2006 04:35 (UTC)
(Link)
For some reason, this came to mind on reading this conversation...

To everything there is a season
And a time to every purpose under heaven
A time to reap and a time to sow
A time to be born and a time to die...

And a time when Gretl misses Madd.
[User Picture]
From:ditzwill
Date:Jun 12th, 2006 06:45 (UTC)
(Link)
You love God because He says you do.

I wish you had given me the opportunity to give you the comfort you were looking for that day. If you'd given me any indication, I would have done all I could have. As it was... I didn't know. Forgive me for not paying closer attention.

Love ya Maddness.

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