Madd Martin L Kroeger (madd74) wrote,
Madd Martin L Kroeger

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Down Inside Deep Inside

Madd's Log, Maddate 060523.25
-sing Hey You
-sing Chop Seuy: Amber/BJ – Brian/Am drama
-computer geek TI85-Casio reunion: extended 1+ hr after bar close
-return pad
-not ready for bed
-FFXI/pc: KnightsAlliance web site
-pop Jess: random chat then massive drama
-Raine: myspace (Bevin addressment)

So, off to Tanner’s I went.  It turns out that I was so “excited” and rushed to get back to the bar, that I ended up not saying “later” to Jen.  I was wondering the reason she attempted to call three times in a row.  It was the TXT that gave it away.  I did not say later?  Hmm... I don’t remember, oh well, it happens.  Another example of what happens when something routine gets broken and one’s reaction to it.  It reminds me of the time, billions of moons ago, when I actually said bye to dITZ by mistake... oh wow, glad I caught that one before I let her go.  She was so distraught thinking she did something wrong :D  Hey, damn it, I am human over here!

It turns out Joe/T had been away, so she did not ever know I was gone.  What a bummer!  She claims she missed me a bunch anyway.  I said claim because it is difficult to know when she is joking around or when she is being real.  I already found out she meant what she said about Madd Monday’s, as another bartender (her bro) did serve differently.

The night would not be without its drama, as I was not even starting to sing my last song, and Amber and Brian got into a massive argument.  I am not very sure what it was about, however I think it was Amber not conforming to the ways of Brian, which is usually the case.  Hmm... I think I use to be about like that, and I remember father being very much like that.  He had some of the most twisted logic I have seen in a human.  I know where he got that, also, from grandma.  Anyway, another story all together.  They did end up “working” things out.  Of course, once again Amber got “fired”.  She has been fired more than dITZ!  hEhEhE!

Another fun part of the night, other than hitting on Joe, was talking to that dude who sings “Du Hast” in German.  Did you know that song is a play on German wedding vows?  How crazy is that.  Anyway, he was drunk, that was fun, he showed me a trick on my TI85, and also went into this long thing about Casio calculators and their ability to program better than the TI85, even though it turns out he was wrong, hence the reason I learned the new trick.  I do not have to use a DISP to show a string, I simply have to put quotes around it.  We ended up staying outside for about an hour just chatting away.  It was so long I had to stop at Hy-Vee to drain my vein!

So after stopping at McD, I went home, and shortly after slept.  My “routine” was as usual, minus a full bowl movement.  The rest of the day was not quite so routine.

I ended up making a correction to Maddate 060521.7x, adding the fact that after waking up, there was some sex.  Yes, I am more than certain where that is going to go.  Me not caring, not fucking giving a shit and it not being important, because I am this heartless fucking prick of an asshole who just wants to fuck millions of women, because this must be true, because if it is not formatting through Jen, it is through Jess, or Bevin, or whoever the fucking flavor of the minute is, because I so do not know how to commit, because I am not committing to these fucking assholes who up and show how much of a fucking ass I must be, BECAUSE I HAVE FUCKING PROBLEMS, AND DESPITE THE FACT THESE PROBLEMS ARE THE FUCKING SAME TO THE FUCKING POPULOUS OF THE PLANET, IT MUST ACTUALLY BE AROUND THEIR SELF-CENTERED EGOTISTICAL FUCKING SELFISH LIVES.  Arrrrgggggg!!!!!  Why the hell do I hang around people?  What is the fucking point.  I am so sick of it!  I am fucking sick of people.  I get 100 selfish assholes who call me every day, and I am forced to listen to their “it is all about me” bullshit, how we should have 24 hour techs that not only work in the dark, can work in a fire, work underwater, and be there, ready, waiting for that person and that person only, because they are all who exist, no one else!  THEN I get to go home and listen to this shit from my so called friends.  While at work, I can have Jess dish the fucking shit out to me!  WHY THE FUCK AM I PUTTING UP WITH THIS CRAP?  Hmm... oh yeah, because I care for and love these people, and am utterly, totally, and manically fucking insane.  I put up with this abuse, I let my breaks be ruined, I let what little vacations I get anymore be ruined, I let my life be ruined, because I am double flawed.  Not only do I have the problems where I mentally space EVERY FUCKING THING IN THE WORLD, I also have this thing in me that cares a great deal, because they are simply being human (caring only for the self, something all humans, including me, do), and I cannot terminate relationships on that.  Oh, I can react, which will make them react, and then I will go more into not wanting to call, email, visit, send smoke signals to.  Then they will get pissed that I seemed to be avoiding them more, BECAUSE I AM, DOWN INSIDE, because I treated every fucking one of those friends with the damn fucking respect from the start that they deserved, until they give reason otherwise, WHICH EVERY FUCKING ONE DID, but you know JOHD, I am the asshole, or the fuck who holds grudges, yet everyone else seems to hold stronger grudges!  So just do it... terminate human connection.  The money you will save on it will be astonishing.  The release on your brain will be wonderful.  That happy fucking fuck who you are will be even happier!  Imagine that shit!  You will be happy, because you will be rid of the human disease that not only shows you that you have flaws, that you already know, they amplify it so much that it almost breaks your spirits, because in your mind, your life is only complete due to being something out of the ordinary, who listens, takes in the pain and hate of the ones around you, and draws it to you.  Yet, you do nothing but cause continue pain due to your flaws.  Are you fucking done screaming and ranting and raving?  Um... I might, rabbit, I might. 

Jess and I started off with a normal chat, and then things went well out of control.  I mean very.  As I was not able (effectively) to document the things she said, I was able to document a lot of what I said to her.  I know it makes it strange to follow “hearing one side of the phone conversation”, as with most things in my life, I felt a desire to document.  hEhEhE!!  It boiled down to her having the feeling that I do not want her around, her doing a bunch of actions while I do nothing, and some misunderstanding of a comment I made, which I later gave

So in the rant and raving about saying love first or not, and the like, I realized one thing, that I actually did not bring up until extreme end, because we basically had gone our rounds for the day.  I say, 99 percent or more, I believe, that I love her in any type of heated argument.  I let her know, that despite we are having a problem, that I can say the words, of my feelings, towards her.  It is another one of those things that goes unnoticed.  You know what kills me with that, I otherwise would not really care that it goes unnoticed, because I know she loves me.  It is when she starts going into all the things I am basically doing wrong, when it actually matters.

It was a very long day... I would also confront Bevin regarding the things said regarding me, to Jen at the bar.  She did a mighty good job avoiding key questions, and there was more avoidance than, “sorry for talking things that seem behind your back.”  It should be noted, however, that she DID apologize.  I actually expected more resistance from her, however, it did not happen.  Time away from her may have been changing things around.  She wanted to see me at the bar Friday.

So, yeah, a very... eventful day.  A lot of emotion, some anger and frustration released.  I definitely felt a lot better after all this.  I also realize that in tackling all these mental issues in my head, going over them, that I realize there is a lot wrong with me, and it is escalating rather bad.  My problems are to a point that no one seems to realize that I care, or love, or both, to the extent that I do.  While a bit is the human condition, humans being human, there is a bit to be said for the lack of things I do, and how it scribes to the thought, actions speak louder than words.  The actions that end up, are me getting into massive arguments with people who start things, and me sticking around afterwards.  I would rather it be shown another way.  Master of Maddness, signing off......

Madd Notes


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