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Oct 5th, 2005

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03:13 - Imagine
Imagine me dead, JOHD, for that is what I have been thinking about.  While I am not able, like the Terminator, to end my own life, as of today, I really wished it would happen.  While I would normally make a blip on the screan on the laptop, I know how I have been of late, yet another reason I want to hear what I have to say now.  Fuck what other people read, I do not give a shit.  I care what is on your brain... oh wait, I mean my own.

So, a few ago, and rather a few, someone who... no wait, the first person I had sex with and dropped a load in, stated how she was happy with her relationship with her life with others... I would note that would include almost no contact with me.  Yeah... how it goes... you do something extra different like that, and, well... that is your result.  I will say it is nothing like the time I had sex with Morgan, as, I did, and then, she for some reason had stopped talking to me.  Oh, I could go on and on about the human condition, and how women do nothing but bitch like the cunts that they are, saying how men are evil, when in Reality they do nothing but help cause the problem, however, that is not the reason I am here.

Oh, how funny is that, that a Final Fantasy Tactics song from my computer plays... and you know, I am damn fucking sick of FFT being associated with the selfish Arwen, and I am tired of Years Ago being associated with Biker Whore, and I am tired of all the other associations that are done through music to other humans, who up and decided to be fucking assholes.  I have a problem, and I will soon end up on meds, most likely, because of it.  Fuck, my own fucking form of happy pills, something since at least 18 years old, if not longer, that I wanted to prevent.  I have it fucking documented, so no one can tell me I am fucking crazy, for it is THERE.  How I so wish that a drunk would have side swiped me and killed my life.

I am tired of it.  I just am, I mean, I cannot control my own fucking life.  I... oh... Star Spangled Banner... where was I?  Damn, so confused... oh yeah... so, I think of the first woman I ever loved, Kit.  I think how I was in CLINTON of all fucking places, and low and behold, she told me, basically, what I would have wanted to hear, that she loved me.  Oh my word, it is insane to think that I can remember anything over 4 days.  I remember it well, and as I was at Spark's, the song came on, yet another fucking association, and there she was, in my brain, the first woman, ever, I fell in love with.  Where is she now?  Gee, who knows, she had better things to do than stay in contact with me.  She had other guys to think about, and other things to do, more important than me.

So I thought of many things, on the drive over here.  How much I wish that I did not have the ties that I do with life, so I would just... end it.  The things I have not thought of in a long time, since, at least, I attempted to do myself, and in a stupid way, I might add.  JOHD, did ever I tell you, when I attempted to take my life, with the thought of many pills, chased with a lot of booze?  Shit, I can barely remember anything, a reason of many I am sick with life.  I am tired of listening to the selfish fucking assholes who go on and on about how I do nothing but cause them pain and hurt, over things *I* fucking think I should be able to control, AND FUCKING HAVE PROBLEMS DOING SO.  Fucking selfish asshole scum bag humans.  We all deserve to die, every single last fucking one of us.  No, do not save my family, who has not fucking ever gotten in contact with me, do not save my friends, of all who have abandoned me at some point, and certainly do not save my fucking ass, that has been more than selfish or greedy.  Kill us all, powerful and mighty Lord, as we have all failed you...

Oh... hahaha, but what is this... Floyd I hear, and not only that, chanting.  Not like, we love you better than God chanting, but... humans... chanting for for that which God Himself has help make possible.

Yes, I have been Madd for fucking years... wow, where is this from, sounds like Pulse... did I dump that to technology yet?


"I've always been Madd..."

Wow, it is.  A time when this shit tecnology did not fail me, when otherwise it would, as it has, for years, since I was around 9 or so and played with it.  God, everyone tells me that in the Bible You explain the reason you have so much love for us, your children.  However... I really do not understand.  We are so self centered.  We care about no one but our own self, and there is no exception to this rule.  So I am about to go to sleep, and, if you can send me a dream explaining it, I would very much well appriciate it, as, I am just up and forgetting what I write almost as fastly as it comes out.

{sigh} I am going to see this, at some point, and... well... wonder what happened with my life.  As, something went wrong, and was suppose to be fixed, yet, it did not ever happen.  After all, my dear friend... when was the last time I really spoke to you?
Current Mood: depresseddepressed

[[11 comments | Train your Brain]]


[User Picture]
Date:Oct 5th, 2005 12:11 (UTC)
You dead, my friend is a depressing thought indeed... I think myself and others would miss your Maddness more than you realize. You can always call if you need to chat, although these days I'm still fighting to keep what's left of my life together myself, but I'll do what I can...

BeWaRe ThE pSyChO cIrCuS!!!

till then... no dying or offing oneself, k?

Date:Oct 5th, 2005 13:41 (UTC)
I agree with you matt! I know I have never met you madd but you seem like a good guy. Now I am in fucking KY with my rents and lonely as hell so it may be a while before I get to actually meet you. :-( Dont kill/off yourself. I would miss you greatly!
[User Picture]
Date:Oct 5th, 2005 16:56 (UTC)
well that is too bad about being stuck in KY. Some day I believe we could hang out. what are they doing in KY anyway?
Date:Oct 5th, 2005 19:25 (UTC)
My parents moved here because my moms parents health is going down hill. She wanted to move closer to them to help as long as she could get work. Yet again I am the only one unemployed in the family and its frustrating. I have been trying all summer to get work in MN, KY, and WI but nothing as of yet. If you want to know more feel free to IM me or e-mail me at a_roethle@hotmail.com.
[User Picture]
Date:Oct 8th, 2005 18:59 (UTC)
yes, thank you, I have your email address in outlook. i space off writing people, and not by choice, i rather like keeping in touch, it is one of the issues that pushed me over.

i hope you are able to get a job soon and things go well for you
[User Picture]
Date:Oct 5th, 2005 16:56 (UTC)

this is the second known time you have helped to cause insanity in my life... as my DREAM was before your post (even though it shows 21:11, and it is 1149 right now).

Thanks, I do appriciate it much. I feel a bit better now, after having gotten to bed.

[User Picture]
Date:Jan 12th, 2006 06:57 (UTC)
yeah, I agree... hey humans get depression every other week or so, I go about every other other other month, so, i think it a decent trade off :D yeah, i could imagine you would miss me much if you found out I was outtie, perminate. yeah, i think i did well on the not dying part :D
[User Picture]
Date:Oct 6th, 2005 04:49 (UTC)
It's been a while since you last posted. Usually your posts are really long and I don't read them right away. They're always very engaging though, as your thought process has a very cool flow.

I don't have a lot to offer you, and I don't think you'd need it from me anyhow, so I won't say a lot. But everybody knows it sucks to grow up. And everybody hurts or gets down. And not everybody can ever get back up again. But quite a few can.
[User Picture]
Date:Oct 8th, 2005 19:07 (UTC)
oh goodness me, haha, sorry about that first post, your user name is extremely close to someone elses', i very much appologize for not getting your gender right :D

well, as I stated before, my depression generally lasts less than a day, and this was no exception. it lasted about 3 hours, I was well by the time I woke up. I do thank you for the comment, however, very much so. I also thank you for the kind words about my mental state, as I am having problems with that of late. I can only continue to move forward
[User Picture]
Date:Oct 8th, 2005 21:49 (UTC)
The human race does, indeed, deserve to die and burn in hell. Every last single one of us. I have struggled with this myself in the past. I ask myself, why? Why did He do it? Why did He bother to be humiliated, tortured, persecuted, and *nailed* (big pieces of metal going thru each of his arms and legs) to a cross to atone for *our* (unthankful, cruel selfish people) sins. I wouldn't have done it. I can't find any ultimately redeeming qualities in our race. I would have let us go to hell and said good ridance.

The answers? God is love and it was all done for *His* glory in the first place. Yes, He did it for us, but it was to ultimately glorify Him because He is so awesome, powerful, and loving.

1 Corinthians 13 (New Living Translation):
1 If I could speak in any language in heaven or on earth[a] but didn't love others, I would only be making meaningless noise like a loud gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I knew all the mysteries of the future and knew everything about everything, but didn't love others, what good would I be? And if I had the gift of faith so that I could speak to a mountain and make it move, without love I would be no good to anybody. 3If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;[b] but if I didn't love others, I would be of no value whatsoever.
4Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. 6It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

8Love will last forever, but prophecy and speaking in unknown languages[c] and special knowledge will all disappear. 9Now we know only a little, and even the gift of prophecy reveals little! 10But when the end comes, these special gifts will all disappear.

11It's like this: When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child does. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 12Now we see things imperfectly as in a poor mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.[d] All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God knows me now.

13There are three things that will endure--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love.

I love you, Madd. I always have and I always will. Please don't think that I've abandoned you. I think about you every single day and wish you were closer. You can always call or e-mail me whenever you want to. I'm pretty sure I mssgd your phone with my phone number, but in case I didn't, lemme know so I can give it to you again. I don't want you feeling this way without me being able to do something about it so call me next time you feel bad. Please. Are you getting my musical voicemails? I love you so much!!
[User Picture]
Date:Jan 12th, 2006 07:00 (UTC)
yes, God is love, and it is great that you help recognise what I already know, and you already know, because God Himself knows, I simply let the most important things in life slip out of my mind, and I cannot help but wonder, if a part of that helps create the problem that you saw before you

i love you also, dITZ. thanks for sticking around over a decade. God be praised...

oh yeah, i get the musical VM :D

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