Madd Martin L Kroeger (madd74) wrote,
Madd Martin L Kroeger
madd74

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Imagine

Imagine me dead, JOHD, for that is what I have been thinking about.  While I am not able, like the Terminator, to end my own life, as of today, I really wished it would happen.  While I would normally make a blip on the screan on the laptop, I know how I have been of late, yet another reason I want to hear what I have to say now.  Fuck what other people read, I do not give a shit.  I care what is on your brain... oh wait, I mean my own.

So, a few ago, and rather a few, someone who... no wait, the first person I had sex with and dropped a load in, stated how she was happy with her relationship with her life with others... I would note that would include almost no contact with me.  Yeah... how it goes... you do something extra different like that, and, well... that is your result.  I will say it is nothing like the time I had sex with Morgan, as, I did, and then, she for some reason had stopped talking to me.  Oh, I could go on and on about the human condition, and how women do nothing but bitch like the cunts that they are, saying how men are evil, when in Reality they do nothing but help cause the problem, however, that is not the reason I am here.

Oh, how funny is that, that a Final Fantasy Tactics song from my computer plays... and you know, I am damn fucking sick of FFT being associated with the selfish Arwen, and I am tired of Years Ago being associated with Biker Whore, and I am tired of all the other associations that are done through music to other humans, who up and decided to be fucking assholes.  I have a problem, and I will soon end up on meds, most likely, because of it.  Fuck, my own fucking form of happy pills, something since at least 18 years old, if not longer, that I wanted to prevent.  I have it fucking documented, so no one can tell me I am fucking crazy, for it is THERE.  How I so wish that a drunk would have side swiped me and killed my life.

I am tired of it.  I just am, I mean, I cannot control my own fucking life.  I... oh... Star Spangled Banner... where was I?  Damn, so confused... oh yeah... so, I think of the first woman I ever loved, Kit.  I think how I was in CLINTON of all fucking places, and low and behold, she told me, basically, what I would have wanted to hear, that she loved me.  Oh my word, it is insane to think that I can remember anything over 4 days.  I remember it well, and as I was at Spark's, the song came on, yet another fucking association, and there she was, in my brain, the first woman, ever, I fell in love with.  Where is she now?  Gee, who knows, she had better things to do than stay in contact with me.  She had other guys to think about, and other things to do, more important than me.

So I thought of many things, on the drive over here.  How much I wish that I did not have the ties that I do with life, so I would just... end it.  The things I have not thought of in a long time, since, at least, I attempted to do myself, and in a stupid way, I might add.  JOHD, did ever I tell you, when I attempted to take my life, with the thought of many pills, chased with a lot of booze?  Shit, I can barely remember anything, a reason of many I am sick with life.  I am tired of listening to the selfish fucking assholes who go on and on about how I do nothing but cause them pain and hurt, over things *I* fucking think I should be able to control, AND FUCKING HAVE PROBLEMS DOING SO.  Fucking selfish asshole scum bag humans.  We all deserve to die, every single last fucking one of us.  No, do not save my family, who has not fucking ever gotten in contact with me, do not save my friends, of all who have abandoned me at some point, and certainly do not save my fucking ass, that has been more than selfish or greedy.  Kill us all, powerful and mighty Lord, as we have all failed you...

Oh... hahaha, but what is this... Floyd I hear, and not only that, chanting.  Not like, we love you better than God chanting, but... humans... chanting for for that which God Himself has help make possible.

Yes, I have been Madd for fucking years... wow, where is this from, sounds like Pulse... did I dump that to technology yet?

{scanning}

"I've always been Madd..."

Wow, it is.  A time when this shit tecnology did not fail me, when otherwise it would, as it has, for years, since I was around 9 or so and played with it.  God, everyone tells me that in the Bible You explain the reason you have so much love for us, your children.  However... I really do not understand.  We are so self centered.  We care about no one but our own self, and there is no exception to this rule.  So I am about to go to sleep, and, if you can send me a dream explaining it, I would very much well appriciate it, as, I am just up and forgetting what I write almost as fastly as it comes out.

{sigh} I am going to see this, at some point, and... well... wonder what happened with my life.  As, something went wrong, and was suppose to be fixed, yet, it did not ever happen.  After all, my dear friend... when was the last time I really spoke to you?
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