speaking of cracking up, i do believe I am on the verge of a massive mental melt down. mind you, i cannot think of any thing/one that has caused this to happen, however, i just... well... let's just say if the looking at a 13+ year old and thinking what a nice piece of ass it looks like, thinking about going over to a guy's house and taking pictures of him cleaning my pipes, continplating being the biggest evil person in the world, or simply yelling and screaming in my mind to myself over almost every thought I had does not drive me to insanity then I am not sure what will. i thought, this waking day, that there is a possibiliy that this is some sort of test of the like. evil forces at work to attempt me to betray or go against God. i mean, the devil has done it many times, including Jesus Himself... I know I am no Jesus (thanks for the heads up, beatles, i know what not to say), yet still i know temptation comes in many forms. hmm... i think the last time I "betrayed" the Lord I was not even in my teens yet, so by now, logically, one would think to give up. i then realize any attempt to state that such a thing could even be possible passes the problem on to something else, which is just about what every human in the world does. "he made me angry." "she made me feel this way." damn humans cannot, for the life of them, take responsibility for their own selves. always want to blame someone or something else for something.
im not sure, i do know that some of the mental imaging that has been flashing through my mind has even been disturbing me. then, there is this whole... procrastination thing. it is really getting me down. if only i would stop procrastinating going to the doctor about it. i want it to end. i want it to stop. i already thought about disconnecting my phone and cell because i am tired of the Bevin's, Biker Babes, Melissa's, and similar whatevers of the world pushing it into my face that t have some problem that i should be able to fix.
well no shit. it is all mental, all every bit of it, and here i am, the mental student of the world who spends more of his life attempting to understand thought and mentality than anyone, and who sits there like a zombie... (don't say that! ... say what? the zed word!) remote in hand, brain saying, "hey madd, you have this stuff to do, look, it is sitting RIGHT in front of you, wanting to be done, so do it." i cannot stand it. i swear (still) i am simply going to lose it one day... and of course, no one will have done anything to get me there, it would have all been my own wonderful self. i so do not want to go on meds. i am one of the few humans left i know not on twelve different forms of medication for depression and the like. maybe that is part of my probem there, some form of pride... or maybe i do not want to pay money for bunches of medication, even though i have wasted a bit of money of late.
maybe, i just truly am going insane and there is not a darn thing a person in this world can do about it. crap, i did not even want to write that much, i think my brain hit a leak. johd, dear sweet johd... i have failed you, i have, oh dear i am so sorry, last proper entry was around thursday. i just am not sure what to do, and anything i want to do, i just cannot get myself up to do. damnit, this has to stop, it does, it really does. madd, you are mentally weaker than the average human i know. at least, humans you know who procrastinate when they want to do something about it, they do it. they do not sit there and argue with their own self with no one around... hey wait, how would you know that if they did it by themself? oh, just a guess... i am not sure. ok bed time lets attempt this life thing again in the morning. oh i remember, i just wanted to say hi