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Oct 11th, 2004


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13:01 - naked
haha!! I last talked to you using a Weakest Link reference, and here I am updating, and what do I see? This crazy new show, and the male host of that show is hosting this one. Nice...

Since I am not working for a week, I sure hope I get some stuff done. I commented to you on Friday how I am proud of you, the fact it seems things are getting worse, yet here you are kicking and fighting to keep from falling behind. Lots of work done, and a lot more to do. Of course, it is not easy, especially of late.

In some way shape or form I have lost a lot of close friends. Did not lose them as losing them, or them going away, just the feelings of late that they are not there for me, and all the dissipointmentws of late mount up, and it does not make striving forward an easy thing. Of late, the only one who has not fallen down on me is Myles. Good old dependable Myles, and speaking of Myles, and old, guess who has a birthday tomorrow, haha!! Myles, good young Myles, the only one who seems to pay me back at a decent time. If he tells me he is going to pay, he does, and if he falls behind, he makes up for it. I know things can happen, it is making up for it that means something to me. So many people just decided to up and go. So many people just dove into their own selfish nature, disreagarding anything about my feelings. The extremely strange thing is, if I did not know what I know, have learned what I have from others (a lot dealing with my psychology classes, and more so with Gretl), I do not think I would experience as much pain as I do. The upside is that it makes me someone who can listen even better to someone who is hurt or in pain, for I am better apt to not aggrivate it. Of course, if it is someone else personal to me, it can still be extremely difficult since some people feel and express what about me is causing them pain. A good example is Renata. There were many issues where she felt I was saying or doing something to hurt her, and I would have had no clue that I was anywhere close. The way Renata deals with pain and hurt, and what she percieves as such, is vastly different than anyone else I have seen. Her ability to deal with another who could be hurt, or who is so emotional, is so poor that I do not feel I can continue to express my feelings in the matter, when I am hurt, when something upsets me. It could be a part of herself to help keep it from happening. The downside between us, however, is that it will keep me distant. I was extremely close to her, and did many things to show it.

So the issues are not just with one person, there are many who fit the bill. I am happy that I have not yet just given up on everyone. I think I can sum it up best with a chat with a long time friend.

maddcell (3:43:55 p): it is also nice to know that you would feel the way you do, and express it, and talk about it, vbecause it shows you care
maddcell (3:44:02 p): no, i am making a few changes
maddcell (3:44:22 p): they are some that have been around for a long time, just takes a while to break old habits.
JacyLane0602 (3:44:27 p): i understand
maddcell (3:44:46 p): my post i am on deals with how I feel regarding everyone on this planet
maddcell (3:44:55 p): i work on the notion of treating others as I would want them me
JacyLane0602 (3:45:57 p): it's sad that more people don't operate like that
maddcell (3:46:09 p): yes, well, i get totally burned for doing it
maddcell (3:46:21 p): i know why people do not, and that is, because it means they are more likely to be hurt
maddcell (3:47:51 p): here is how I see it... i treat others well first. then something they do gets me to change. as opposed to taking the Myles approach, and attempting to make up for what I felt they have done, they turn around and find it more important to act on how I acted "forgetting" that I did what I did in the first place because of them
maddcell (3:47:55 p): then it goes down from there
JacyLane0602 (3:48:36 p): do you ever think maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts?
JacyLane0602 (3:48:45 p): you expect people to 'fail'...
maddcell (3:48:47 p): many times i do
maddcell (3:48:52 p): oh... no
maddcell (3:49:14 p): i would not continue to react the way I do. i would give up instantly
JacyLane0602 (3:50:03 p): ..yeah
maddcell (3:51:01 p): i give up when i have put so much into something, and see the same thing on the other side repeated over and over. i figure, no reason to make the situation any worse for the other person, for I am not here to cause people pain
maddcell (3:51:16 p): it serves no purpose, unless the person is evil or extremely nasty to those who I care about

As regards to what I mean about people addressing feelings, some times they could do it without me even saying anything, and that is what I am talking about.

JacyLane0602 (3:53:32 p): i have your attention and now i don't know what to say
JacyLane0602 (3:53:38 p): how sad is that/
maddcell (3:53:41 p): haha
maddcell (3:53:42 p): i noticed
JacyLane0602 (3:53:52 p): sorry
maddcell (3:54:03 p): apology accepted, and not really required
maddcell (3:54:10 p): it happens
JacyLane0602 (3:54:24 p): well, i've basically been begging you and giving you shit for not being around...
JacyLane0602 (3:54:31 p): and now that you are, i'm not talking
JacyLane0602 (3:54:39 p): so an apology is required :-P
maddcell (3:54:44 p): good point
maddcell (3:54:47 p): very good point

A good point is an understatement. Oddly enough, this conversation would come in the ending of this post, and i twas not even posted yet, and my points here were not even mentioned. So it is nice to see it in action before it even goes in action.

Before I head out and get this day underway, I want to point out the last thing I can think of. Regret. JOHD, regret is something that I thought I would not do... however, I found I have. It deals with more of the emotional rollercoaster that is my inner self. In July 2000 I would break history by having my first concert experience, and it was a Floydian one. The person that I would want with me would be someone who would mean something strong to me. That person was Skinner, and he has turned out to be someone who just... is not there. I would have been better had Myles been able to go, or maybe even Stingray (he is in the land of Yeast and Cheese[tm] so I can live with that). Of course, even myself. It just makes me sad that someone who is suppose to be so special, to date, would do so little to continue on the way of hanging out, and the like. So, in my life, I state, my only one regret.
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated

[[1 comment | Train your Brain]]

Comments:


(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
From:madd74
Date:Oct 17th, 2004 00:03 (UTC)
(Link)
it has been, nice to know you still think about me!

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