Madd Martin L Kroeger (madd74) wrote,
Madd Martin L Kroeger

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Time to let it out

I am sad. There is no denying the truth in that, and while I seem to be taking care of it well, JOHD, I realize that I am simply rationalizing things said. I shall for a while, and at some point, I will break down. The problem is, my ability to trust Renata is pretty much well gone, and it would take way too much for her to bring it back. She has her own issues and dilemias to deal with almost as much as I have issues with spelling. Arg, that does not even look right. I am not, at this time, depressed. Just simple sad, at something that I loved so much, that has left me, told me to fuck off, told me not to "fucking" call, and not to "fucking" write, and a few others that I cannot remember at this time. I may not be in love with her any more, however I know that I still do love her, and it will take a while, I would imagine, before that goes away. I am sure it will be painful, as I think of Robin/Q, the fact I loved her, and it was no where close to how I feel about Renata. It took a long darn time for that. I also think of Melissa, and how when she left me, that I still had love for her, even if I did not want to admit it. I think the reason, I would imagine, is because if I admit to myself I still love a person, and they choose to leave me, that it just makes it that much more difficult for me.

The unfortunate part is that almost anyone who was close to me at one point, at some time or another, has come and abandonned me. I did have a few people I could talk to, and now I have no one to talk to... except you, old friend. You are the only one who has not held who I am against me. Okay, okay, I stand corrected... there is God. God has not ever left me, however we know how He is always an exception. I realize right now, in saying that, that there are people who may read this and state how they are there or they did not leave me. However, to any human who I can think of, and I shall attempt a list... MJ, Gretl, dITZ, Gem, Stingray, Boostie... ug, my head hurts... thinking... painful... come on the list is more than that... NoFear, Riede, Biker Babe, Skinner... well, they either left me in a way, becoming distant, or have too many problems of their own. It is not that all on the list, especially Boostie, are necessarily distant. Having too many problems of one's own, however, does not need me coming along with my issues. I am in the business of not causing people pain, in attempting to avoid it from happening, especially for those who I love. I realize I have not showed it much in the past, and it is somethng I have been slowly been working on.

Oddly enough, it all started with Renata. I wanted her to know how much I loved her, that I did those small things, like buy a flower while at QT, or picking up things and bringing it over, or just stopping by to surprise. If anything, I am thankful at least that Renata, like many others who has loved me and left me, helped show me how to react to people in the future, so as to make sure others can feel special.

{sigh} The Cubs are almost starting, I could really use a win today guys. It would mean much to me, so please help me out here.

I know I still do stupid things, or I do things without proper thought. I work off impulse still, and know that her reason to leave me is not just all the fault of her. Any person who is distant to this point, is so because of the problems that I live with every day. I still give excuses for my actions, at times, and know that it is wrong. I just must accept the fact that I may mess up with certain things, and hope the other person can forgive me. The problem is that too many times, instead of forgiveness I simply got the hurt thrown back at my face, as if, "well this hurt me, so let's see how you like this." In a way, that is the Mirror Effect™. It is a small part, however, for in my interaction with others, I find that for some things to happen, it has to still override the millions of other positive things that went down. In her shoes, I would have to look at how she came over as much as she did, reschedule visits with others, bring me things, take care of me when I am sick, before I would be able to justify making the most heartless statement I think any human has ever told me... and that is... "I was a fucking fool ti kive you or ever think that I could be with you. If I didn't owe you money I would never talk to you again. And when I do get you paid off I will stop speaking with you. DON'T REPLY." Yeah, I did reply, I was drunk, hehehe, I just could not pull myself to not say something. I should have learned from Melissa, after all, that was one of two parts that got her to decide to not like me. Hmm... maybe that is my attempt to "fight", to say something, and it not be hurtful or mean or anything else like that. To let them know, that is not what I want. That is neither here or now.

The thing that really gets me, and upsets me, is that it boils down to the same exact thing. Her putting all of the blame on me, for one thing I did. She accepts no blame for anything she had done. With the things she was pissed off, and reason she sent it in the first place, she did not even listen to what I said, she made up her own. Something about I took my games back thinking that she was going to break or pawn them or something. "You knew how much playing those games ment to me and you act like I am going to pawn them or something" As with many things, if she would listen she would realize what my problem is in the first place. However, there is too much hurt and pain in her to see things for as I see them. She is not able to put her feet in my shoes, and seeing as how I wear 12, it is not like she would not fit. She has friends who hate me. They do, for the same reason Chris/Arw or anyone else would, because all they see is I am causing all the problems with their friend that they hold dear. Well, these friends of hers decided to delete an email, and it upset me that they would delete my email. What upset and hurt me more, was instead of realizing why or how it would hurt me, she did not care, actually defending them with something about how "oh they are just looking out after me." She would go on stating how they basically wanted me to leave her alone. What better way, than for her friends to go ahead and destroy something that is important to me. However, she was too busy accusing me of things from her bathtub, and making all of this my fault. After all, it always boils down to, "It wasn't my fault you fucked X. Which is why we are were we are." Maybe if we were dating or married I could see how it was all my fault. Maybe, just maybe. I would have to beg for forgiveness for the rest of my life, and of course, I would have no reason to be trusted. That is, however, not the case. However, I almost see it as more important for her to blame that than take any blame herself. When she use to cool down, after she got out whatever she wanted to get out, she would state something about how it is a two way street. However, her arguments show what she really feels. Anger generally brings out the things that people keep down. It is like drinking. Drunk people tend to say and do things that are deep down inside that they otherwise keep to themselves. This is all opinion, of course, I realize that every single thing I say could be wrong. Heck, the universe may not be infinite. We could all be living in a large ball hanging from a baby's window, and the stars we see are nightlights in a room. Of course, from what we gather, we take all the information possible, and process it as to what we feel is really right. So, here is mine.

She stated that she loved me more than anyone. She stated that she would always fight for me. To me, these are nothing but kind words said for two reasons. Because she simply likes me (maybe even has some love) and enjoys me being around, that I am her friend and she knows saying such things to a person could boost and fill their ego, and even possibly to bait me and keep me around. She has admitted the fact she is alone, and when people are alone, well, I see them do a lot of strange things. Robin/Q could NOT handle being alone. She could not stand not having a man in her life. She hung around her old man and then I came along. Once her and I became close enough, she totally left him. We had issues, and what did we see... we saw that when another guy came around she could possibly be with, that it was my turn to be dropped. Thus, I was. So I got to study first hand a big case of someone not liking to be alone. The biggest difference between the two there is that first, Renata still has someone in her life at this point, and Renata's intelligence is far superior to Robin/Q. Renata is a smart and intellegent person. That is something I always take into consideration. I realize that in her past, she did many things to get her way. It was very similar to me. Her and I were very similar with that. We both knew how to utilize control on other people to get what we want. Has she changed? Well... I look at all the hurtful things said by her. I see everything that has been said and done on her part, and then how she follows up with something. Now... it can be a varity of things. It can be the bait and hook, like fishing. Throw the worm out, fish makes a bite, you pull to snag, fish gets away, so you are like, "oh, sorry little fish, I was just messin'. Here, have this one here." The more and more I hear her say what she had said, the more I saw this as a possibility. Now, it no longer matters. Of course, the other side of the coin, is that she simply deals with me the way she would someone else, not taking into consideration that I am well beyond the grasp of any human out there. My thoughts and feelings are beyond different than any "average" male. So, she does what she does, realizes the mistake, and then attempts to make up for it. Like people who fight, then make up after. I can only believe that so long, since I have done a lot to difuse a bad situation, and instead of her making an attempt to see I know we are having a problem, she simply lashes out. To her, many things I do, no matter how unintential it is on my part, seems as if it is more important to get even. To cause pain. Being as smart as she is, she will realize how emotional I can be, and she will know in caring for her, that certain words and phrases will cause me hurt, and she waits and goes for it. Not always, I will not ever say she always does any one thing, for she had not.

Of course, it matters not anymore, as you can see JOHD, she made it clear how she feels, and with anyone else in the world, when they express it, I honor it. I shall not be the cause for any more pain for anyone I care for.

On that note, it is time for some baseball, my boys in blue need my assistance...

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