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I've Been a Bad Bad Boy - JOHD

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Sep 24th, 2004


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03:23 - I've Been a Bad Bad Boy
{sigh} I may have to assess my drinking.  It turns out I have been extremely bad a while bad and just now found out about it.  I know a lot of people think that when you do crazy things when you are drunk, that it is "more acceptable" than if it was sober.  I myself have been rather lax in the department, notably Sparky, who when drunk does some rather amazing things that he does not remember doing at all.  I forgive him easily because he is drunk and that is how he is.  Obviously, it has not always been that way.  However, in conjunction with my own actions I am the one who chooses to drink, and I am the one who chooses if I do not drink.  I am not an alcho by any means.  I drink much less than in my actual drinking days also.  I stopped drinking by myself.  I also have very few times when I completely forget everything that happens.  That does not mean that bits and pieces do not get lost in translation.  Of course... it does not mean it is not ever going to happen.  However, when drinking makes me pass up my own personal boundries... that is when it is time to think about what I am doing.  Last time we spoke I was telling you how dissipointed I was in you.  I followed it up the next day by having some exact opposite things happen.  I was extremely proud.  Totally ready and on the ball and prepared for an otherwise un prepared situation.  Thank you Madd, I thank you much for being prepared as you were.  So here I am again, and this time, I am almost sickened by what you have done.  I am marking this as an extremely saddened, frustrated, and absolute dissipointed time in your existance.  You went a place I not thought you a part of, no one in existance can sit around and tell me that it is okay, for I will not be so forgiving on myself for things that I realize are wrong for me to do.  If I know something is extremely wrong, and I even fight it, then if I do it for any reason, let there be heck to pay, for I deserve it.  I deserve it all.  Maddness... this is your only warning.  In the event I find out you do ANY wrong while you are drunk to ANY human, whether yourself or others, then drinking you shall not ever do again, unless its water.  Meaning no more alchohol for you, ever, minus the casual drink at a party, wedding, or the like.  Or, if you are married, under the supervision of your wife who during the time of your drinking will have full access to all bank accounts, credit cards, and behaviors of any kind that she wishes WHILE you are drinking.  How do you like d'em apples?

I am hard on you because I care about you, and I care about others.  Humans, of late, have been much nicer to me.  Lost friends have not been so lost to me anymore (thanks Gretl, thanks Starr, thanks Biker Babe).  God has shown Himself to be looking out for my lost self much more.  Renata shows a deeper respect in wanting to chat and communicate with me as opposed to blowing me off as just any other person in her past/present.  Finacial situations have improved and people are actually starting to pay back money that I otherwise thought lost (thanks Moondrop, thanks others).  SO do not fuck it up, for I will punish you in the strictest form of it.  You will deserve it.  So I say it so that WHEN you revert to subconscious mode after drinking, since I found that is what we humans do, that the subconscious KNOWS where I stand, and what I will not stand for.  You are a nice and caring person to others, let us keep it that way in all forms.

Thank thee Lord, who has gotten me to where I am right now.  Thank thee for the wonderful friends and family who have helped shape me into the person I am today, who have taught me their ways so that I could better myself as a person.  Thank thee Lord for looking out for me when no one else could, and for taking care of me when if not my life would be in perril.  Even though you have not blessed me with the ability to spell, I thank thee Lord for all the many wonderful things about my personality that you have blessed me with.  Continue to give me strength, and continue to look out for me, and my loved ones, and every other human on this planet since we are all so lost without Your strength and guidance.

Amen
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated

[[Train your Brain]]


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