Aug 25th, 2004
Hmm... okay, so finally I decided, that I have a deadline. As much as I strive to believe in a powerful mind and its ability to do anything, I fall into the recessional thoughts that something IS wrong and I may not know what I am doing. This morning, JOHD, marked something insanely remarkable. During a commercial of a great movie I have not seen in a long time, I convinced myself to put the remote down. Of course, other things were not done. Updates were not made. For the longest time, I sit there, and argue to myself how I have something to do, and do not do it. This is different from when I would space something off. I can understand spacing osmething off. It makes sense and is logical, that if I have something happen to a hard drive while I write data to it, that the information is not going to be in tact when I go to retrieve it. However, this is more like giving a computer a command, and it telling me "no". Yeah, something strange and bizzare. It has been labeled possible depression by some, even though I have a standing history with depression and realize with the exception of a day here or there with sadness (directly linked to something else), there is happiness and giddiness. Granted, friends left and right keep showing just how much they are selfishly not friends, and people I figured I could depend on for long times show the opposite. Maybe I just push it all down, think of it as something else, and the subconsious takes over from there and masks with everything else. Maybe I am more stressed than I could ever realize. Maybe for every mind problem I find and seek to correct, many more form and take stage. Maybe insanity is catching up to me. I find that the more and more I hear people give me the "im sorry to bother you I will leave you along" the more irritated I become with said human and more so to the next to gives it to me. I find that my ability to trust about anyone is next to nothing. It is as if Mulder has snuck into my brain and put multiple conspericy plans into my mind. Only, it is not in regards to the government.
Whatever the case, I find that something is wrong and changing in me. When things get out of hand, I simply find something else to do that I had not, possibly in attempts to tell myself nothing is wrong, or that there is no depression, or whatever else it may be. I find the biggest problem I have is not memory, it is motivation. In fact, I believe that motivation is what has me at what appears to be such a shotty memory in the first place.
I do not have any motivation to do anything any more. I find this holds true for people also. Have I been around so much dissipointment in human nature that I have simply given up? I wish I had am answer to that, for not even God seems to be excempt from this. I pray not to He as I want to. There is much to be greatful for regarding what He has done, and I do nothing about it. Heck, I am not even motivated to eat anymore. I do realize the importance of this, so, JOHD, I guess the only thing I can do is... well... seek help.
I do not like the idea of it, however, to not look into help for almost no motivation to even life, would be like me getting upset at someone with depression who denies it and does not do anything about it. Too many people I have come in contact with of late show an exreme case of what I am starting to really feel; hipocrytical tendecies. I like not such people so it right I not become one. On the same token, I have done with my mind what maybe would not ever be able to do, just because they would shoot themselves down and not be able to mentally attain it. So to that, I owe my mind the ability to proove that it can do anything. If it fails, well, then we shall let medicine take over and work its wonders, since I know how these types of doctor calls shall end. Not my doctor mentally probing me... just filling out the perscription card. It is a slightly frightening experience... a show of absolute non-control and weak ability. It would be one thing if I was someone else, who was not into the art of mental reconditioning. However I am. It would be like if I could not read a first grade book as opposed to someone who never learned to read. That person is not expected to be able to read it, and I am. Well... I give me the chance, to see if I require reading lessons.
With so much drama, I wonder if I should check to see if I qualify for a mini-movie on my unstable life. As long as Tom Green does not get the cast for me, because I might shoot myself if he does.
I will have to admit this to you Mr Madd, and I apologize for the bluntness... I am dissipointed in you. So now, make me proud.
Current Mood: disappointed
been there, done that with doctors, meds, and combinations of the two. if you need a sounding board or anything, you know my number, doll.
|Date:||Sep 29th, 2004 20:03 (UTC)|| |
yeah, I do, and I want to know how to fix it mentally still... I just cannot give up on myself... I do not want to