Madd Martin L Kroeger (madd74) wrote,
Madd Martin L Kroeger
madd74

  • Mood:
  • Music:

Some Day I Will

"When life hands you lemons, make some lemonade...then mix with some Jack Daniels, shake and drink"

[Madd's World Update]
- Calandar-O-Maddness; added dates from 8/10 to 9/9

     Hmm, point and case, it is near difficult to talk on the phone for 6 hours with Iowa City gal and talk to you at the same time, JOHD.  {sigh} Why do I feel like I have so much work to do?  On the bright side, I FINALLY GOT MY POST COMMENTS CAUGHT UP!  WhooHoo.  That took a while.  So, now, let me attempt to think back on things.

Chat Central

     Okay, the last thing I was attempting to tell you, JOHD, was about the chatting I was doing.  This case, we focus on Alienesse.  Both of us doing the "you don't care about me anymore" routine.  The good thing is that we talked about it.  The not so good thing is how I do believe we have had the conversation before.  So some where someone is being the catalyst for the other, and it is causing a cycle going over and over again.  However, she did get me into thinking about some things.  So thinking I did, on how I over analyze, and aye, this I do.  I know this flaw in my personality.  I will call it a flaw, JOHD, for me, however, I would never pass that same lable to anyone else.  I do not see it a flaw for other people.  However, I have defined it so for me.  So, there was a lot to talk about.  Even the fact of meeting.  Ironically enough, this came from talking about Maur.  For some reason, Maur, her, and I have almost become a strange triangle of friends some how.  Well, besides that, I talked to my NY friend more.  I really enjoy talking to her.  It has come to my attention from my own mind that I see her as someone who is more than just a simple friend.  Also, Stingray and I talked about his visit.  We both agreed that from now on there shall be NO phones, and NO computer, minus net surfing for video game codes.  He was not all happy about me being on the phone as much as I was, and I do not blame him.  I did not all care for the chatting he did when I was back there and him just kinda shoving me in the corner.  So we made a pact not to let any be on at all ever again when we gather.  The big problem I had was when I noticed someone called my cell phone directly.  There is only one person who does that, mother, since she has a problem knowing which number to call on her phone.  At this point, I almost am not sure if I want to talk to her, because as expected, the news went down that grandpa would be going into surgery on Friday morning.  {sigh} Here comes that sinking feeling again.  Oh yeah, another thing, I had decided to give up Iowa in 5:26 to a friend.  I would be passing up SK for the first time since I started playing in Game 2.

Back to School

     Oh yeah... I guess I never completed the whole Jennifer thing.  She came over because she wanted some work done on her school projects.  One was to mirror flip a picture to be ironed on a shirt.  That was easier than the prom queen stuck on a stranded island with Chip & Dale dancers.  Next was the audio mixing.  Ooooh man how I love to do that.  I kept it on my computer, because I like hearing the wonderful work that I some times do.

Work is not Fun, People are Fun

     Well, I seem to have a type of pattern when it comes to waking up, then going to work.  People look forward to me coming to work, and I think that makes going to work good.  I put up a little note seeing if anyone wanted my hours on the 16th.  Buddy wants to go to an I-Cub game, and she has never been to one before, and I have not been to an I-Cub game in a while.  So it would be great if her first time was with me.  hEhEhE!!  JOHD, don't even.  What else did I do at work?  Um... did I mention the fact I got a "writen up" thing for rolling those calls on Thursday?  I actually found out Wednesday, and I am not sure if I told you.  I am struggling to keep up with you!

BRB

     I came home, but first I stopped at some place to eat.  BK, it would be, since I am concerned about my weight.  Must eat more food, I guess.  I got home, and chatted just a little bit.  Some person from Canada, 16 year old female if her information is correct, found me.  My info on ICQ had attracted her to me.  So, it was a good chat, until Iowa City gal called.  Hahaha, and the multitasking abilities of Madd Martin would cease.  I put a "Phone - BRB" but little did I realize how long we would chat.

The Realization of Iowa City and Des Moines

     Also, I would learn more info about what is going on in her mind.  She was willing to talk about her entire sexual past, and I would continue to tell her how when she comes to see me, that I was going to murder her and have her in my water bed forever.  She did not buy it.  She also continues to use Maddian logic against me, which of course, there is nothing I can do to stop it or fight it.  Some day I will find a loop hole in some forms of my logic, just not any time soon I guess.  She mentioned how she thinks about me about 80% in a given day.  Wow, that is quite a bit, and yeah, it got me to thinking about how do I really feel about this person.  Still confused, of course.  She started to get very tired, and I think that let her guard down, as she started to say things that did not even make sense, she would occassionally pass on information that I think was not all intended to come out.  She mentioned how I should be playing Floyd when she got here, and at first, I thought that was a reference on me sexually advancing on her (which I had already said ealier on many times that I just don't make the first move).  She would add the fact it would be for control for her, not me, meaning she felt that she might have problems controlling herself around me.  I found that quite interesting.  So what do I make of all this.  Darn it, JOHD, you tell me, I think you know me better than anyone.  I guess I have to ask myself the questions that I wanted to avoid, and to that, I must come to some realizations of my own self.

- some day I could indeed get married and have kids
- there are people out there, not just one, who could be special enough I would want a relationship with them
- some time in my future, I will have sex again

I know, I have told people time and time again how these were not looking possible at all, and I know I was saying it more than anything to convince myself.  I wanted to assure myself it would not happen, because that would make the dissipointment of how people can react to me, on an intimate level, just not possible.  However, I think to look at it, all I am doing is lying to myself.  If I am not to lie to others, then I cannot logically sit here and let myself lie to me.  So maybe things will become of her and I.  Maybe things will become of my NY friend.  I cannot leave any possibility out, JOHD, I just can't keep rationalizing myself to the ground until I feel almost nothing.  I have to accept the fact that this human shell falls into the realm that all others do, of which two are

- I wish to be unconditionally loved
- I wish to unconditionally love some one

Okay, I said it, you happy now?  Yeah, you knew all along, and you always do.  Well... that is fine, and thanks for waking me up to it... this far in my life.  So anyway, I should get going to work.  I was smart enough to print off the entries of my defined friends, so that I can catch up on their writings at work.  Haha!!  Multitasking BACK in action!  Booya!  I said I could beat procrastination, and time management issues, and I will.  See you on the Dark Side, JOHD.  Master of Maddness, signing off......
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 0 comments