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So It Ends... - JOHD

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Apr 24th, 2004


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22:31 - So It Ends...
... dear me.  I... believe that strange protective barrier that I asked to be taken down is starting to fall.  I am not sure the move the greatest thing in the world for me.  I also am not sure... how I did it.  JOHD, it must be a mind thing.  I spent a lot of time chatting with Renata about many various things, and one of the things that came up was about control of feelings.  I spoke of how Gretl (who changed her darn name and messed up all my links :p ) had issues with any involvement with her, for the two stated reasons of breaking boundries... which... apparently you have documented for me some where, and also, being hurt.  Something very understandable, and something I personally would do.  It was rather... interesting that part of Renata's solution was... to just control it.  Control love?  Hmm... I would think someone who, from time to time, argues that there is no such thing as love as we know it, that we as humans made it up, would be able to do that... however, I cannot.  She states she could... and I asked her how.  Thinking of pain of the past about other things.  You know... looking for faults and finding pain is something that... I do believe I have been doing, slightly.  I did it with Gretl to ensure that I could live being her friend who was married.  Okay, so that was a bit different.  I just rationalized how I could communicate to a lesser extent since I was a bit below on the legal food chain.  However, with other women, those who I would obviously not be dating, or would breaking up, or not even wanting to get involved... all I had to do was look down the road, to women I have been with.  Most modern day women, well, there was the pain of the Evil One.  Ones before her... just the first woman I ever loved.  While I stated how much I did not want to become an emotional sack of a wall due to others... I did fail, for the most part.  More concerned about the pain... the hurt... that and my honesty issue.  Or maybe the real honesty issue I have... is that the first woman I truly cared for, flat out lied to me about something I find unacceptable to lie to someone about.  I look in the past of people I have the most issues with in a relationship, and all but one or two had lied directly to me about something.  It explains Arwen, it explains Melissa, it explains Starr, and so many more.  A whole huge handful of humans... having to fight my mind.  You know, JOHD, I have faught my mind for some time now... I think we are going on about 11 or 12 years.  That strange thing that causes thoughts to appear, feelings to manifest... and here all these others have only months, weeks, and the like to fight against it.  Well... that seems rather unfair to the human populous.  As much as you dislike humans, Master Madd, you still are one and fall prey to the same things they fall prey to, and many of them wish not to fall prey to what they do, just as you wish not to fall prey to what you do.  JOHD, keep reminding me that.  The faults and problems I see in many others are some times things they wish no more than the problems I have with others due to my problems.  I think my comments to Starr in her email also helped trigger this, as I realized that... well, you know, Madd, you are suppose to know all this crap about the mind and shit you could be a better friend with the realization of more of this.  Blah blah blah, yaddie yodle yoo, I smell FOOD!!  Whoohoo!!
Current Mood: emotional
Current Music: "FF7 Reunion Remix" - LousySpy

[[14 comments | Train your Brain]]

Comments:


From:mrshannibal
Date:May 1st, 2004 16:35 (UTC)

excellent

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i love to way you write. i just want to fall into your honesty and allow myself to borrow from you of that...you speak so well...i commend you, my friend, for such a wonderful way with words...
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From:madd74
Date:Jun 16th, 2004 00:08 (UTC)

Re: excellent

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wow, thank you so much. You are way too kind! Yes, borrow all the honesty that you can. I love honesty. I hope everyone catches it, for it is so groovy. I so appriciate your comments. I am happy to be reading everything. I like to write, but as you may have guessed, I procrastinate a bit much, and have time management issues.

THANK you for your words...
From:mrshannibal
Date:Jun 30th, 2004 16:55 (UTC)

Re: excellent

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the other thing i've noticed is that you don't lj cut your entries - i think that is so great...a lot of people out there feel the need to do that and i, for one, think - if it's your personal journal and you have friends who understand - then why bother? i just don't get that...anyhow, i still love the way you write...i haven't commented much on your entries - i just like to read them...you have talent...
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From:madd74
Date:Jul 4th, 2004 13:25 (UTC)

Re: excellent

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yeah, that I do not. I write mostly for me, as you might notice, minus the times I make references specifically to other people, or "humans" in general. the only time i would LJ cut anything these days is if I had a bunch of pictures, since some may have slow connections, and that is just curtisy

you seem to have commented more of late than most of my friends, and I thank you for the comments... which is strange for me to say since I do write for me. i think a part of that deals with that any sort of comment lets me know that others are taking time out to actually see what i am up to, and i like that about my friends

and once again, i thank you for the sencere words, even if i cannot spell that correctly :D
From:mrshannibal
Date:Jul 13th, 2004 12:52 (UTC)

Re: excellent

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hey, i checked out your discussion forum - that's pretty cool...i commented...
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From:madd74
Date:Jul 13th, 2004 18:49 (UTC)

Re: excellent

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I see that! You could always sign up if ya like
From:mrshannibal
Date:Jul 15th, 2004 19:40 (UTC)

Re: excellent

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what's the deal about signing up? what's going on there? what - do i have to give up my first born? give you my blood type? hmm...does this involve duct tape, a 9 volt battery, whip cream, & strawberries? i dunno...sounds awfully fishy to
me...
[User Picture]
From:madd74
Date:Jul 25th, 2004 14:31 (UTC)

Re: excellent

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traffic... contact with people... stuff like that. you dont have to give anything up, except a little bit of time.

no fish either, even though I recommend 3 servings a week!!
From:mrshannibal
Date:Aug 18th, 2004 14:40 (UTC)

Re: excellent

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ok...but i'm warning you - if i get turned on, it's all your fault...
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From:madd74
Date:Sep 29th, 2004 19:31 (UTC)

Re: excellent

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if i turn you on how is that my fault, I am just talking about fish!!! ;)
From:mrshannibal
Date:Oct 6th, 2004 14:57 (UTC)

Re: excellent

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well, sure - yeah, that's what i meant...
*walking away, grumbling, confused...*
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From:madd74
Date:Oct 6th, 2004 22:42 (UTC)

Re: excellent

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whatever dude, hehehe
From:mrshannibal
Date:Dec 7th, 2004 15:46 (UTC)

Re: excellent

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;P
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From:madd74
Date:Dec 14th, 2004 10:54 (UTC)

Re: excellent

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same to ya, bub

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