Madd Martin L Kroeger (madd74) wrote,
Madd Martin L Kroeger

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Knowing Thy Self


     Yeah, I had a lot about my Iowa City friend to still talk about, but as usual, time is closing down on me.  Trust me, JOHD, plenty more to go after work.  So, I went to work yesterday, and my mind was still a little delirious.  My best friend had gone back to the land of Yeast and Cheese™.  Plus, of late, I just have a lot on my mind.  I have this NY thing going on now.  I have a great skill to uphold (Tetris), and I realized I was behind on replying to comments, which I do not like being behind.  Grr... falling behind has been a trademark to me, JOHD.  I do not think I ever told you this.  It is something that happens due to procrastination.  DAMNIT!!  I can BEAT procrastination.  I think it is like Procrastination - 1,947,222,562; Madd - 4.  No no no, I am going to win.  It is time to take back what is MINE.  Mine I tell you, and I will be damned if I go down without yet another fight.  I will continue to fight, even after there is no breath left into me.  So, work went okay.  I had decided to see Mari.  This is the new email rule of giving money to email not replied to in a timely fasion.  I figured that with Mari, she would rather see me in person at her place.  I was more than right on the observation.

Sex Ed?

     So, I came home and chatted with you, and some other people.  Well, you already know I was chatting with you, that is a given.  I was also chatting with people.  Flirtation was something that was not on hold, still, which I guess is fine.  However, through chatting, it is like there are two types of me that are being seen.

A) aside from your recent sexual obsession, you have a pretty interesting mentality that I enjoy exploring
2) youhave an abundance of love to share with others and that makes you an inviting person, one to whom people flock because of it
C) you're just plain zainy - that's an attractive quality (to me, at least)
so it's no wonder that people desire you

This was my wonderful NY friend chatting with me last night.  The first statement, which mind you, was first, is what just brings me pondering thoughts to my own self, as to who I am.  It is kind of funny, because she mentioned how I could be a desirable person, and the one statement which was not even about being desirable.  It stuck in my mind.  So I guess I am not giving the best impression of my own self.  It means I may not be true to myself.  Maybe I just have issues that require being delt with.  Well, I know I do.  My dreams have been telling me as such.  That reminds me!  Some point when Stingray was here, I had a dream about the 31 year old 12 year old.  She had called me on the phone, to tell me she was pregnant with my child, and I just had this horrible sinking feeling.  I am not sure what it all means, but I could take a few stabs at it later.  Don't forget to remind me, okay?  So anyway, back to the whole sex/flirting thing.  I am not sure what to do about it.  A lot of it stems from the Mirror Effect™.  I do not up and do so to people (flirt or go beyond) unless they are giving off the presence to me.  It appears I am reflecting back to them what they have done to me.  However, at the same time, it is like they are shining a little beam into the mirror, and a huge solar flare is coming back to them.  So, something is being magnified, and I am not sure what it is.  Maybe there are issues of lonelieness, you know, that thing that I feel is nothing more than rationalization for actions?  That thing I do not like to associate with myself, because, "I am better than that."  Maybe I have to accept the fact that maybe at times I am lonely.  It explains the reason I have so many plans of late to see people.  It would help possibly explain the reason my flirtation and libido is so hyper charged.  I would just want to make sure I pegged it right.  Misdiagnosing something is rarely a good thing.  So, we will have a lot to talk about later.

Mari the Wonder Cook

     So I ended up going over to Mari's house.  I wanted to stop chatting with you only because I felt I was going to be doing so all night, and I told Mari around 1100p or so, and it was already working on 1130p.  I went there, and she gave many hints to her possible problems with what she was cooking.  She kept talking about the backup of Mac & Cheese.  She also mentioned something about "cooking" it more to "fix" it.  Hmm... not the best thing I wanted to hear.  So we started to play Next Tetris.  I think she forgot she was cooking, and at first, I thought I was going to be forced to eat M & C.  However, it turned out it was not super burnt like we thought.  However, it was a bit dry.  It was crunchy in a few spots.  It boiled down to I could eat it, and it was not grossing me out.  Then we got into talking.  She has a lot of inner issues she should talk about.  There is a lot about her life that she is not thinking into, I feel.  It may cause her problems in the long run, if not already.  I would end up passing out on her couch, something I had not planned.  I noticed she was sleeping on the floor for some reason, I would guess, because I was there.  I would wake up a few times, and one time, I had that weird feeling in my throat, you know, like when you some times burp, and food comes up a little, and you do not feel well about it.  I am not sure if it was her cooking, or if more realistically, the fact I was eating dinner around 0200a and then sleeping.  I think back to the time that I was eating chips and sausa at 0300a and threw up the next morning.  So I am not going to claim it was her food.  Bottom line, I have had much better, and I have had much worse.  She claims onions help make it, and I do not do onions, so, who knows.  I would have a dream about Sam Becket, but I do not remember what it was, and that is a slight dissipointment.  Oh well.

Oops... too Long

     I woke up "for good" around when Mari was already going out her door for work.  I knew I was having company at home, since Jennifer wanted me to help her with some school project involving a commercial and music.  I got home, and started chatting.  NY friend, Maur, Alienesse, Stingray, and my other on-line friend (from the West Coast).  Sexuality was very low for once.  There was a lot that Alienesse and I would talk about.  A bit would be how we just don't talk to each other, and how the other sees the other "removing me out of your life" syndrome.  I think I just realized how much easier life is for humans when they just pass it out for someone else to actually keep a friendship going/  hEhEhE!!  I thought I heard someone walk in my door.  Er, I guess that is my queue to go!  So, JOHD, I shall talk to you and finish this later.  Master of Maddness, signing off......


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