Madd Martin L Kroeger (madd74) wrote,
Madd Martin L Kroeger

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I Enjoy Compliance

Well, JOHD, here I am at work... not working, haha!  Well, okay I am working.  Okay, belay that thought.  So much on my mind, and so little anything about it.

I have come to the conclusion that my memory is excellent.  Yeah, I misplace things like no other, and yeah I tend to forget my own name /t... however, I realized that I remember a lot of things.  I have come to the conclusion that I may have adult ADD, or something similar.  JOHD... I am even thinking {sigh} of talking to Dr Sidney about it.  If it is true, and they help curb it, I would expect my life many times better than it already is, and you know, I already have a darn good life.  However, the life of those I love and care about could be increased as well.

Unfortunately, I am starting to mentally break down.  Too many things are happening that I am not able to compinsate with.

To start with I have some strange issue with Melissa.  I call it strange simply because information was brought to me by her as opposed to me bringing the issues up with her.  The way it is handled by me in regards to how she is handling it is failing.  Human flaw on my part, due to my imperfections.  Also, the fact that it is not the only issue I am having.

Work work work.  I appear to be doing less of it.  The reason appears to be my extreme dislike with the way things are run here.  This includes the scheduling (big time) and just a few other things.  Also, while I appear to be dealing with customers even better than before, I also appear to be intaking in all this negativity and not having it released.  It is becoming a part of me, meaning that I am starting to look at things totally wrong.  The ignorance... is just difficult to deal with, even though I know humans are human.

Robin... is turning into a massive issue.  I have not met someone so prone to fight in ages, if ever.  Given my reflective nature, and her inability to see the points of other people (others or myself), it just does not add up to anything good. her negativity also exceeds that of anyone I know.  Her depression is exstensive and... well, I think yesterday I finally was able to break through on the "get help" aspect of her life.

Money.  Oddly enough, it is not that I lack money, however the way I invest it and how my mind translates that.  I am packing away a LOT of money into my savings, and thanks to listening to someone here at work... start to think about, "what if I die in 10 years, all that money put away that could have been used for other things."  I keep attempting to remind myself that investments into the 401 actually can turn around and benefit, such as putting a loan against it for a house.

House... oh dear almighty word no.  All my stuff to move... all the additional things that I would have to go through.  All those extra expenses that I just am not able to see right now since I have not owned a home.  The worries of the relocate.  The concern that I end up losing what is possibly the BEST location in Des Moines (regarding distance to everything).

My body... age, while many people joke that I am no where close to old, the Reality is my body is catching up to me faster than I think I would like.  My skin, my cholesteral, my joints that pop like korn on the skillet.  My mind's inability to be crisp and clear as it use to be.  Mental images are more blurry... and I cannot remember the last time I had a dream that besides being realistic, was also vividly clear.  As if the one thing I rely and want most is already failing me.  To this it is added...

My emotional state.  How I have turned into a much colder human than ever thought possible.  Most likely a combination of aging (not 19 anymore) and the extreme amount of hurt that is being applied by a large number of human beings, both intentional and unintential.  I think maybe my emotional coldness bothers me more than all the rest of these things.  Even music does not appear, at first, to move me.  I keep thinking, "what is the big deal of music, and do I even care any more?"  Luckily, when certain songs are played, they can push that emotional flood that temporarily removes that thought.  However, I remember thinking many times, "Does Pink Floyd really have that good effect on me?" ......... {sigh}

I am not as me as I use to be, and I think this more a temporary tainting of other humans I have been exposed to too long.  Humans that show self-absorbed nature towards the world, and direct a bit of it towards me, that I start to slowly reflect back.  The Mirror Effect™ has a massive drawback, and this is one of them.  At least I have not thgouth about lying to anyone.  I still have a few things reserved.

Oh, and sex... or the act of everything leading up to some times minus the act itself.  It appears my seductiveness due to women is still strong... meaning I am still finding myself able to be seduced by women... however, the ability for the same women to always seduce me has changed, so that I have going for me.  A male whore I wish not to be, and the act itself does nto even have to be physical, it can all be mental.  It is still there.  Of course, with my mind the way it is, I have drastically stopped day dreaming about women.  So I guess that has one good thing about it.  It is not that I think there is something wrong with women as much as it me wanting to be in CONTROL.  I want control... not to be out of control, and desiring to rip clothing off.{sigh}

The fact I leave the realm of 20 this year does not help with anything.  While I am not even close to middle aged... I keep enough reminders around to show me how I use to be and a few things that are long gone.

Speaking of long gone, I think all the reminders of Reality past is also getting to me.  The way I have been engaged with Melissa is a big reminder how any relationship is a two way deal, and that I am not the only one who determines continous contact.  Lance was an example of this.  I thank and pray for Gretl, who is the only human I know who had massive issues with me (our relationship) and still shows a strong steadly non-breaking love for me.  I do believe if I had actually lost her... that the cold emotional wall of ice would have become much stronger, possibly... too strong for me to be able to handle.

Gee, JOHD, it has been a while since we have really chatted.  I know a snip here and there... however nothing massive.  Well... get ready for even more.  Spending a bit of time going over old chats and résumé I realize more and more how current backlogged entries are more... document fact as opposed to document feeling.  Ghaleon is a most absolute definite for dropping procrastination of all sorts.  I feel he will bring you and I closer than ever before.

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