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Dec 30th, 2003

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23:58 - Captain Back-Up
{note to Moondrop}

I sent an email, a while back, and the email had a curiosity or so in it.  I noticed that the email had not been read, which was fine, with my old days of procrastination I had no room to talk about prompt replies.  However, then I noticed a very angry-like response to it in your journal.  The response would give me the answer to my curiosity, so realize I took that as my personal reply, even if it was indirect and required translation.

I'm not going to beat down the door as to flash what I feel is all right and wrong with everything regarding how this whole situation came to be.  My translation is that you feel I am some how rubbing things in your face via my yahoo status message, most notably, the comment I left that stated "wanting to sex my friend".  You felt that at some point during the conversation next waking day, that I was attempting to seduce other women as well as chat with you, which was absolutely incorrect.  You would do the one thing I have not ever seen you do towards me, which is apologize for the very harsh comment you made, however, you would erase that by ending your conversation stating that "I deserved the snappy attitude" or something similar.  That is where the email came through.  I failed, for the life of me, to understand what it was that I did to deserve such comments.  Away messages?  If that is the case, then more people deserve to be very aggitated with me, such as when I state I am eating everyone's mother, having sex with inanimate objects, or the many other strange status messages that I decide to use from time to time.  What I had noticed, is that the response I got in the chat, and would later see in your journal, was very similar to things I have gotten from you since before I even left WI, where something would be going on in my life, and you would take personal offense to it, as if I was directing it towards you.

This note is to state that I am no longer going to fight such things with you anymore.  I have gotten almost nothing but negative reactions from you, as if everything is my fault.  Oddly enough, it is in such a way, that I am rather shocked that you had come to talk to me as much as you do, hang out with me as much as you had, and the fact that you had not blocked or removed me from any form of messanger.  I guess to that, I owe that... there must be something more going on than what I am getting from the surface.

Realize one important thing.  That while you have feelings and may possibily be sensative at times about things, I totally feel (and I said feel not know) that you may have been taking a lot of frustration of your day to day life out on me, that thing I know as displacement (I go to work, the boss screams at me, I go home and kicked the dog who is simply licking himself kind of thing).  It would explain why you have not totally erased me from your existance.  Or maybe it's just not come to your mind and your end up never coming on my yahoo or JOHD anymore.

Despite what you may think about me, I'm not in the business of dealing out pain.  The comment you made where you stated that I did nothing more than cratique or "correct" your posts is not 100% true.  I actually related with a few posts you made, and the reason I started commenting more than usual is that unlike myself, I realize you write a bit more for other people.  You have shown an interest in knowing what it was people were doing with your journal, and my attempt was to SHOW you that I was actually reading the majority of your posts.  They were in the way they were due to the kind of responses you had been posting to JOHD.  In all honesty, I figured it was something you would have appricaited... that your posts were being read, and I was taking time out of my busy day to actually respond to them.  I admit that I can see how one could take them in a negative tone, but realize that I am human.  If I do something to offend you, it only takes a calm and simple, "Hey Madd, I wanted to let you know what you are doing is something that bothers me," or anything of similar tone.  Your approach to it, however, is how you have approached me with most of the issues you have had with me.  That bothers me.  It bothers me that you would simply take the snippy route towards me as opposed to talking to me about it.  I know you have the ability, for there have been voice conversations that have reflected such.

So to sum things up, I'm not attempting to cause you any discomfort in your life, and I can only care as much about someone else as they show feelings towards me, with very rare exceptions to this list (ie God).  So I present this all to you, in an extremely calm and thinking manner (translation: I am attempting to think of the better way to express my feelings in this post).  Where it goes from here, well, is up to you, and as always, I welcome any communication, in here or in private.

(please realize no sarcasim or cynical expression was used in this message... it is sincere and from the heart. if any sarcasim or cynical expression was detected by you, I simply ask you read that part over again with the thought in your mind that I am being sincere)

(also note the title of this entry was created from things seen around my room and has no actual reference to anything, thanks)


[[4 comments | Train your Brain]]


[User Picture]
Date:Dec 30th, 2003 23:50 (UTC)
i wasn't actually taking out the rest of my world on you, although i can't claim i never do that. it was that i was being hurt by you on 2 fronts at the same time, since i was reading my journal while chatting with you. you were hitting on me, hitting on someone else, saying condescending things in my journal, and i was getting that input all at the same time. that is why things seemed to accelerate quickly.

what made me write the post was when i read your journal a couple days later and saw the very graphic description of what you wanted to do to someone...don't know if that was the same friend your status was referring to or not. regardless, your very casual and vulgar attitude toward sex bothers me and makes me feel stupid, used, and unimportant. i know you've denied feeling this way about sex, but your actions repeatedly contradict that. so, even if it's not representative of your deeper feelings on the subject, it's still hurtful.

like i also said, you'd made me feel that way before and i shouldn't have been surprised when it happened again...nor should i have opened myself up to being hurt by it. i don't think it was malicious, but i've filtered out your journal so i only read it occasionally and when i'm bracing myself for something that will hurt.

at some point it won't bother me anymore. for now, if and when we speak it can't be sexually charged anymore. i can't have you flirting with me and know that you hit on many or all of the woman you know. i certainly have no claim on you, but like i said, i didn't want your cravings and pursuits rubbed in my face. i also don't want to be reminded of how very non-special i am to someone i was intimate with.

as for actually replying to your email, there didn't seem to be anything about curiosity in it. you were complaining and accusing...and not really asking anything you didn't feel you had the answers to already. you don't seem to listen to my explanations, so i couldn't find the motivation to try to talk with someone who would just contradict and argue rather than listen or try to understand.
[User Picture]
Date:Jan 17th, 2004 13:28 (UTC)
but I *wasn't* hitting on anyone is what I have been attempting to say since the get-go

and I apologize for the things said in your journal since they were meant in fun and to adknowledge I was reading you journal at most

my email had asked a question, actually, however it was already answered

and everything else you wrote here was noted

hope your LJ is not on the Santa cluster!!
[User Picture]
Date:Jan 17th, 2004 20:35 (UTC)
what's the santa cluster?

even if you weren't hitting on someone, it made my stomach turn to read you wanting to "slide your dick into her hot, wet body" or something to that effect. just saying it wasn't only the YM status.
[User Picture]
Date:Jan 18th, 2004 12:52 (UTC)
noted (and you figured out the other)

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