Madd Martin L Kroeger (madd74) wrote,
Madd Martin L Kroeger

Dances With Staples

{note to Gizmo}

Mr Lance...

Well, I write this, towards the end of the year, because the last thing I remember you saying to me, was "we don't see eye to eye."  That was followed up, simply by the fact you did not want to talk about "it", whatever "it" was.  I am in the mood to resolve things, so, that is exactly what this shall do, one way or another.  It is to stress what is seen on this side of the eye, and you are more than welcome to talk about anything posted here.  I do so in such an "open" envirnment just due to me wanting all the facts out for everyone to see.  I hide nothing from no one, and realize there are humans out there who may make claims about my thoughts and feelings towards you that may be beyond untrue.  They are welcome to read and respond as well.

The last time I remember interacting with you was about the night of the 26th of November.  I had ran across you at BJ and you were just... eh... not sure what the word was I am looking for, however, I seemed to be sliding much from your life at this point.  I had ended up drinking enough that I was a rather big emotional mess that I cried on the way home, to where at some point I see I posted what could be considered some rather hostile comments your way.  I stated you were no longer my best friend.  I would like to state why this is such a large priority to mention something of this nature.

As you know, my plan was to take care of some credit issues so that I would be able to get a house.  Some time before you mentioned an interest as actually living with me.  Now... I am not sure how many humans you have lived with in your life, however I have lived with 2.5 years (one left and came back).  In my time of living with other humans, who do so mainly on my couch, there is not much to it.  Now something as complicated as a house, however, is different than simply letting someone live on my couch.  From everything you had done for me up to about a month or so before this time period, you had shown some amazing abilities that I generally do not get from the male species.  It was this trust that I started to bring into you that made me feel having you as a basic permenate resident.  However, then something changed.  All I can say is that the change in itself was... that I did not seem as important to you anymore.  If you are just a friend, that is no big deal.  When you are someone looking to live with me, where I must trust all of my stuff to your very existance, that is once again another story.

It is true, that things could have been happening in your life, things such as life events, maybe things you would not even care to talk about to anyone.  That is fine, I can give others space.  However, I think it very possible to at least state something like, "I am going through something and just do not want to talk about it right now."  I can understand that.  Realize that well before this time frame, you were talking to me about issues.  So the fact you were just dumping me to the curb when I was looking to add you to a large step in my life set me totally off.  It was not just that... I mean, people talk things about me, disrespectful, and you just sit there.  Not a single thing in my defense or honor.  While I do not care about the assults, to see someone who I feel cares enough about me sit by and do nothing with injustice against me... well... that's difficult to do.  I'm still human.

I admit, the beer most likely made it come out a bit more raw than I usually allow, however, the fact remains, everything I said to you in your yahoo was done in hurt on my part.

Then the strange thing is, that for some reason you feel I did this great injustice to you.  I could only imagine what that would be.  No, that was not sarcastic, I am not sure, and at this point, between you and others you know, I have no clue who to believe in what.  An example was a message I came to as I had been away from my computer.  The message asked something like, "I heard that you use women for only one thing."  I thought such a question... odd, to just be out of no where, so generally I asked as to who would make such a comment about me.  After a few in that conversation, I would find, that the so-called party would be you.  This would come at a time when you already were not responding to me any more, so naturally, I would think there be a possibility you would make a comment.  Who knows why... and honestly, at this point, who knows if it is true.

So, the condesnded down rolled into a shell version of this is... that I feel less trust in you due to your actions towards me, especially with you just wanting to not want and talk about it anymore.  I see that for some reason, the good friend I was to you just dropped, even before I left my comments to you on 11/27 around 3a.  Since I was going to get a place with you, I lost that trust and was the reason I said I no longer saw you as a best friend.  In saying such, in no way did I want you to just go away.  Maybe you took it that way... maybe humans helped put the thought into your mind... maybe there is something else that I am very unaware of.  Could be a little of this and that.  Only you know that, and anyone you have possibly talked about, and of course, God.

So here is my my side, what I know, and what I feel.  If you read this far, then excellent, I appriciate you taking out a bit of time to read this far.  Of course, I am extremely curious as to what made you choose to want to up and walk away from out friendship, however, that in itself is something you have to choose to express.  Please note, that one way or another, even if you just wish to go seperate ways, that I still have a few things that you may like access to.  Mostly pictures and a few video files regarding you.  Whether you are done with this friendship, or you wish to do something about it, I shall post these things for you if you request.


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