Madd Martin L Kroeger (madd74) wrote,
Madd Martin L Kroeger

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The Near of the End

Well, JOHD... it is getting darn close to the end of the year.  For me, this means that there is much updating and less time.  I cannot help but think of the lost meaning of Christmas, even for myself.  While I ask for very little for Christmas, I get even less.  This time around, no call from mother, father called a day late for a lame excuse, and I was not able to talk to a single family member.  Despite my efforts, I was very unable to reach anyone.  I have ended up with things from three different humans.  It is stated that two others are getting me things.  The only nice thing is that quite a few have sent me cards, and I like that fact.  However realize this, JOHD.  The day of Christmas itself... even the gifts I did get, they all came outside of the actual day of Christmas.  Cards I can understand, haha, how can we trust this crazy postage system.  As for phone calls, I recieved 4 total.  I think it makes me sad that I got so few.  I made many outbound to attempt to reach people, however reached VM.  This all relates to family.  I remember when I got very few things for/on Christmas, however I was with family.  I was totally happy.  I could care less if I had gotten anything, however, now I do not even get the family any more.  Yeah, JOHD, I realize that I choose to work this holiday.  However, what family do I have to go to in the spamspan of a day?  hAhAHA!!  Spam... what a funny typo.  Yeah, a father who has attempted to control me all his life, and now is giving excuses as to why he does not have to call me on my own birthday (meaning that he is being vindictive to the fact I can't even remember if his birthday is the 14th or 17th of Sept), or a controlling grandmother who tells me when to wear my coat, and everything else.  There is aunt Becky... however that is a long drive to get that "my family still remembers everyone else more than me" that I have been getting of usual when I go back home.  As stated before, my friend, it is as if I no longer have any family left.  Distance makes the heart grow stronger unless distance is in liue a few years... in which case, one simply becomes forgotten.

I can see why I desire to have sex with anyone despite my attempts to weed out any type of sexuality.  The deep down hope that I get someone pregnent, despite all the precautions I take against it.  That programmed urge that keeps the human species as well populated as it is... and the deep psychological realization that getting someone pregnent would mean, I finally would have a family.  These days could have special meaning to me again.  How messed up is that... haha, well... JOHD old friend my mind still wins out.  My sexuality is extremely low, and to this point, I still do not get depressed around the holidays.  It appears I am able to still see the other side of the rope.   On my final note to you, JOHD, I want to just remind myself, that despite all the people I hear complain about their brothers, sisters, mom, dad, and other types of family... at least they have the luxary and could opt out of it... not all of us are that lucky.

{note to humans}

JOHD updates are just around the corner.  Please realize, that due to the MASSIVE amounts of posts that are planned soon, and the fact all together shall span a years worth of time, that for the kindness of those who have me on their friend's list, these entries shall be backdated and will NOT show up in your friend's view.  This means in order to see these comments, you shall have to either read my journal directly, or you will have to check JOHD memories.  I big HUGE thanks to Melissa who helped show me how to add the links directly to JOHD's main view.  The category for any backdated post is Backdated.  Or, simply check out the Maddbot and the update will be posted there when they are done.  The subject would be "JOHD Update(s)"


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