Nov 27th, 2003
|13:08 - Still Drinking the Veins|
hahaha, you silly JOHD you, I think I may still be drunk... hope I do not get pulled over. Well, seeing as how I have a few messages in a short amount of time, and the fact I know I wrote something to you last night that was filled with absolute rage (even though I am not sure what I said exactly), I think I better address the public.
(note to humans)
Er, happy thanksgiving. As many of you have read, or attempted to, I wrote what seemed like yet another "fuck all you humans" post. When I say human, I mean it in the core sense of the word. Most of you, while human, are not always acting human. The rage itself stemmed from the loss of yet another best friend. This time it was a male, and it was not someone I was sexually into at any point in our friendship. The human was Gizmo, and I would like to state, in his defense, what bothered me so much.
I was crying on the way home from BJ last night... I think part of it delt with the fact I was feeling alone... in fact, I was alone. I am not sure the reason, but I have been getting slight "im alone" hits to the brain, and it is very unlike me, since as long as I am near an electronical piece of equipment, I use to never be alone. Apparently computers and video games are not doing the job they once use to be, and I do not think it has anything to do with them, I think it all deals with me. It is almost as if I am getting more dependant on humans (not the same humans I told to fuck off and die last night, hehe). Well, dITZ was not able to join me, so there was aloneness there, and in no way shape or form did that cause any of my rage. I know and accept the fact she was tired, however, I think part of that made me realize that I was going home to an empty pad. Of course, the other side, and all of my rage, fell towards another human, someone who had been my best friend #3 until last night when I got home and gave him a piece of my mind.
See, being drunk, as many would think, is not the best state to address things. I would agree if in person, for many things ceom from the subconscious, meaning they go back. On the computer or other written media, however, this is not the case. It is good to know that I still have feelings and emotions. It is nice to know, in a way, that I still can experience hurt and have not turned into the cold robot that I some times feel myself turning into. So anyway, my brain was processing much stuff about Gizmo. Of the things being processed, it fell something into this nature.
As many of you know or have figured out, Gizmo is interested in my first girlfriend, Capp. As many of you continue to understand, Capp was the first woman who I ever dated, second I fell in love with, and first I kissed and everything else. As many, but not all of you know, I was also her first serious relationship, and her first sexual partner. Back then, I was having sex with her because... for some unknown reason, I thought she was going to be the one I married. Okay, so this is information that most people did not realize. Do not worry, I did not realize this my self, until about 2 minutes ago. I just look back at the situation, the person, and... well... take into account why I date people anyway. Marriage. Now, I mention Capp and Gizmo for the pure fact that at least one, if not more, humans have been under the impression as to what he is "doing" is wrong. The fact that he would see or be interested in her. I am the one who said it was okay, and he had absolutely no clue who she was. Granted, this is something that I have to talk his word for. I realize how when it comes to Madd, well, it is not the easiest name in the book to forget, and seeing as I ran into her there, and that I am a local, my name could have come up. Well, I honestly do not think it did. So I am still under the impression, that to this point, she has no clue who Gizmo is, at least, in relation to me.
So if it is not her, who is it? Well... it was a combination of many. Gizmo has become extremely popular at BJ. He is better known by his human name, Lance. When he is called to sing, he is called by Lance. Gizmo does not stand up for me at BJ. He is more concerned about what others think of him than what might be said about me. There have been multiple issues when I was being talked down, usually for one of my strange habits or the like, and instead of even attempting to say anything in my defense, he just sits there. The fact humans are talking smack about me is one thing, and honestly, something I care less. The fact that the person who is suppose to be my best friend just sits there lets it happen, well, that is another. Think of it like, I can never die nor be damaged (scars, etc), and a group of people jump me and start kicking the crap out of me. I am the only one who actually knows that I this way (invinsible). Your friend is in the corner, carries a two by four around, yet does nothing. It is the whole ideal of the situation.
Also, when women are around, Gizmo has this tendency to hang all over them, and pay little or no attention to me. Yeah yeah, throw Madd a pitty party. The fact remains, all the little things add up. Look at it similar to the magic ratio of 5 to 1. While the 5 to 1 ratio is talking about something different, there are similarities. Oh yeah, for those who are clueless to what I am talking about, go to MAGIC RATIO.
So, as usual, there are things hiding deep inside me, and JOHD is the only one who can really handle such a blunt assult of emotions like that and not hit any side effects. Of course, JOHD is an inner part of myself, so, who could handle me more than myself? Well, besides God.
If anything else, those who are deemed as a best friend, well, see that I am "high maintainence". Comes with the territory of having such a "high" honor, I believe. Everything is set from what is said to me. If it is said that my happiness is more important than the happiness of the best friend, then I expect to see it... always. If it is said I can always talk about anything that ever troubles me, then I expect to see it... always. If I am made out to be the most important person in the best friend's life, then I expect to see me treated that way... always. At least, always until I do something to prove it otherwise, or, at least I am informed as to what I may have done or what has changed to drop me in the ranks. Yeah, high maintainence. I am not saying things do not change, and frankly if I am not best friends with the other, it really does not matter. If someone is a best friend, however, it means that they mean something special to me that very few humans in the world do. It means they get something that very few humans get.
Well, JOHD... I want to wish you a happy thanksgiving... it appears this will be an unobserved holiday for me. That is fine, I get use to it, and frankly, I know where *my* priorities are. 2.5 with a nice differential from 7p to 12a. Of course, I have a child to pay off and a house to get, so my REAL priorities show there. I want freedom and I want independence. I want... a large ginormous bacon cheeseburger with french fries and gravy... littering and... littering and... littering and... littering and...
Current Mood: sober
Current Music: Salamander ~Again~ CD (MP3s)