Log in

No account? Create an account
Foot Broke, Fingers Not - JOHD

> Recent Entries
> Archive
> Friends
> Profile
> Madd's World


• Flash Arcade
• Madd's Menu
• Madd's World
• Jarin's Website
• Madd's World Status (check problems)
• MWF (Message Board)
• Chat
• MaddSpace.com
• Personal Map (Frappr)
• Work Schedule
• JOHD Memories
• Madd File Downloads
• Boobies Song
• Boobies (radio edit)
• Zeldo Song (Zelda theme, created by me)
• Hillbilly Parody Song
>>On the Web<<

Nov 6th, 2003

Previous Entry Share Next Entry
01:30 - Foot Broke, Fingers Not
hAhAhA!!  Here I am, stuck using the web... and his time, well, I guess I might have a plan... I already posted this as a comment to a human... and for some reason, it went so insanely long, and well beyond anything I was close to thinking, that I wanted to share it with you... JOHD... the keeper of my memories... now all you have to do is some how be... in human form, and all would be well... very... just as this extremely long sentance that some of my old English teachers might attempt to claim is a runon sentance... and I would debate... and I would win.

====start insanely strange comment reply====
What the HELL is wrong with people?! I mean, really? Why are humans so goddamn VINDICTIVE?!?

Is that rhetorical?? hehehe... I know that answer...

in the first eight months I was here, I really made no friends... until I met Madd, and have become friends with HIS friends.

One of my greatest roles in this world is this gift... or possibly curse. I find that in being this universal conduit of the world, that I get the shaft more times than not. In many ways, some beyond the understand of semi-intellegent beings (humans who almost are too smart to be human, for example). Part of a long old conversation regarding you and Melissa and my thoughts on that friendship, or the one between you and Arwen, go on a tangeble basis to this, reflecting why I may or may not have a problem between you and Melissa (back when asked), brings it all most into my current functioning Reality.

However, I shall continue to do it, for as long as I know. If you take the major life workings of quite a few humans, such as dITZ, you see that much of their world directly or indirectly is a result of me. You know, it is the closest thing to being a parent I may possibly ever play in life. A parent, who gives birth to a child, is the direct and indirect responsibility of everything that happens, for if the parent is away, then the child never exists. I have touched a few lifes this way. Thanks to my existance, the Reality that is becomes possible with others.

While this can be looked at as an egotistical point of view by my own hand, and I admit I can see where it would stem from, its real meaning and reasoning for bringing it out falls back as far as... well... the Vietnam war. Oddly enough, the Vietnam war helped create me, for the best friend who was my father was killed next to my father, and because of this event, other events never happened, and father ended up in Iowa, where mother was, and thus here I am. From my young and short life, I see much in regards to my "mistake", the fact I was not meant to be here (only by adding the sum of the two individuals). So here I am, in a world where I am not suppose to be, and this fact gets backed up much in my life. It gets back up to a point of much depression... however, then skip a bit brother, and we bring Madd further down in age, older. I start to see a point to my existance. I think a problem that many humans face is that... they do not see clear or any purpose in life. If something has no purpose... how well can it function? It functions soley due to the pre-programmed code of self preservation. From this we get everything... everything from lying, to cheating, to sex without condoms, to rape, to murder, to love, to friendship, to video games, to crack, to overeating... everything... hahaha, all from self preservation... which brings us back to these walking... mounds of existing things that find no purpose. Ants find a purpose... notice how an ant collenie(sp?) works. Notice how every ant, some how, finds a purpose. When was the last time you saw an ant hang itself?

So what is my purpose? Well, it is a simplisticly complicated answer, just as I myself am complicatedly simple. I am the result of what many call the butterfly effect of time. It is my purpose to bring into the life the knowlege of something to others. To this, some things I will have little or poor control over. Who I love, who I am attracted to, my feelings. I will find conflict in much things, such as what it means to be in love, and I shall do so because it some times goes against what I am here on this world to do. That thing I can do so well... the things I only do well for the same reason a virus so easily takes out a host. I am a smart virus. I say smart for... a virus, many times, can kill its host, and in doing so the virus dies. A smart virus would not ever allow this to happen. AIDS is a rather stupid virus... if it was smart, it would find a way to keep the host alive, even if alive by some how shutting down the CPU (brain) of the host and putting it in a coma... but eh... it shuts down the immune system and then simple things end up killing the host.

Of course, AIDS is spread best thru sex, so, maybe it is not so stupid after all? It can lay dormant in a host for decades... some times, undetected, yet still spread. hAhAhA... maybe AIDS is not such a stupid virus after all... however the fact is, if I was to be a virus, I would be protecting my host, even if I had to take it over.

How I got to this is slightly beyond me... if anything, we can all blame Matrix 3.

So the fact you made friends with me, well, that automatically throws you into the design that is my life, which is the design of the life of many others. You get the fun end of the stick... others I meet are of a... well, a quick deposit nature. I implant some quick bit of information into another, and then they leave, and they move on with this bit. Once again, bring into the fact it may be the closest thing to having a "child" that I may ever experience (I do not say this in a pessemistic way, I state it due to my research shows my requirements for a "mate" are on a scale many times higher than any human being I have ever met). So maybe it is a phrase, or, maybe it is something about Pink Floyd... humans forever keeping a quick thought of me through yet another medium... hahaha... maybe the real reason I kept into Floyd in the intensity that I do is so that I can live forever... 6 generations of humans later a handful of faithful Floyd people remember that "Madd" guy from 400+ years ago... and once again, I point out the similarities to children... children, the way we humans remain immortal.

Wow... I am so... increadibly... thinking on a strange plane of existance. I do not even know where my mind went... I do know that it left the rest of us (Madd) in a most pleasant and almost euphoric state. It is kinda creepy, however at the same time fun and exciting, with a hint of mint.

I am attempting to think if at some point I should stop... and I realize, that this post will most likely not make it to your comment. I realize in some debates, or what you would call them, with Arwen and her droogies, that my comments were chopped. So, I think now would be a good time to figure out how many pieces this is going to be cut into!

Weeeeeee!! Give me the sharp object to cut with!! Mwahaha!!

By no means did I originally mean for you to get this... in fact, I made many comments to lots of people, and of course, my email is not functioning, because I told it not to, since I am ready to format now.  Oh so anal retentive... when God send me back to Earth again, maybe I can convince Him to drop that trait... I have more things kept than I know what to do with.  Ha!  Pack rat... nothing... I am the master ratt... the one who keeps all the things to all other pack ratts!!  Hey, JOHD... you know when I visit old entries many times I see how stoned, drunk, tripping, or what have you I was, and please note the following quick chain of events...

-FFTA while working
-soup (no trace elements of any unnatural drugs detected)
-pick up Myles
-go watch Matrix
-return straight to computer
-turn on "Data Selection Screen" Metroid music (repeated)
-read old entries of others in attempts to not fall to insanely behind
-and like 2 or 3 on the list was this post

Okay... so unless there was acid in the soap I used to clean the bowl for my soup while at work, yeah, sober as defined by society.  Good... since I giggle just watching my brain... it is like I can see it working... from another point of view, from another place.  Look!!  Here I go again, haha, it just does not stop.  Contunies even... hey I am really looking forward to RE2.  I think Matrix 3 may relate to a plane of existance better than LotR3.

You know, now that I think about it, Smith gave a nice little speech about existance and purpose... and there was another...

Maybe I come closer to that true understand that I search for.  You know, I have like this whole list of things I study.  Where did we come from.  What drives us to do what we do.  What is the purpose of my life.  What is the purpose of those around me.  What is the meaning of existance.  What... yeah, it keeps going, big huge list, and you know, I found a lot of key elements to answers to many of these questions.  Oh!  I get it now, I am in one of those wanting to just... discuss the world with the world type of moods.  While I could blame Matrix for this, it just does not seem right.  I mean, I have been following a pattern, I show, and I... oh yeah, I have been breaking some of the bad old habits.  I think I am just simly natually high.  Want another scrap of evidence to prove God exists?  Of course you do!  When we die, the brain releases chemicals... eh, like a massive morphine overdose, in a manner that makes death... an almost pleasurable event.  At least this is what scientific research has found, since last time I checked, I almost nearly died once, and that was not even enough for the brain to prepare for the next life.  No, not really.  Hey this is good music!  I am in such a... well... I said not translatable, however, to pin it down to a close end poll... happy/sad/netural I choose number one for a dollar.  JOHD did you know at two points in my life I remember a type-o made a huge difference in my life.  Zeldo and Mair.  Yeah, just wanted to share more information with you.  Oh yeah, you are going to get a LOT of information here soon... hahaha, then it is going to be habit, and then it is going to be always there, just the way I like it, for not only that, I will do what I seem to otherwise not be able to do... remember.  Yeah, everything.  Maybe at some point to how long my kids are who are dropped off at the pool.  Everything is associated with something else, I do not think 4th floor... 4th floor has had a rather interesting effect on the being of my Reality.  I enjoy Reality, I think can handle it again.  I realize that my last post... well... maybe it was an attempt to get attention.  You know, it seems I feed from attention when I am in those down moods.  JOHD, did you know, statistically, that I am the happiest human I know?  Pretty cool trick... did you know that the majority of my happy moments are drug free?  Did you know I am drug free?  Did you know I am not wearing pants?  Of course you knew that!  Mwahaha!!  I think I want to study the possible effects of Floyd being associated with me being associated with everyone else.  If it be true, it would honestly mean that Floyd is on the same level as music... and some how got pinpointed for whatever reason (lack of other notible music clumps that a society could relate to... after all, how many people even know what a Metroid looks like without researching it on the web?).  That would be... mind blowing!  Think of all the everything if I found out that... yeah, it is a lot, and I remember the LAST time I was given an external challenge like that I almost went insane, and Arwen picked up on one small little pickette of the 8 hour feeling post, to show me... well... to show me what all humans end up showing me that I end up showing some how to others... where the priorities lay.

Hmm... what if I had no priorities?  I randomly answer my phone, and remove all traces of who the call might be.  No picture, no CID info... and I some times answer and some times do not.  That when hanging with friends, I no longer go by any point system, meaning stong related humans could be beat out for my time with random humans who I barely like or know.  That would be strange... then again you are some times strange.  Not you, JOHD.  Other humans are strange, not I.  {sigh} So I posted all these comments to humans, then, turn around and not have the computer in a stage that will accomidate for them.

Oh yeah!!  Madd, in case you did not realize, you are reverting to your ID, and I mean massively.  Hahaha... if you knew some one else as long as you have known me, and they changed in this way from a subconscious searching phase reverting back to a conscious only, well, you might get sick on that human... yet... you have been letting it slide rather much with us.  Yeah... going for basic right now pleasures... and no, I will not say it just sex, or intimacy... your whole procrastination, yeah, that is right, for some times I can smell you thinking so hard about something you wanna do, yet, you do not do it... so... I just wanted to bring that to your attention.  However, in attempts to not have more negative type things than positive, I would like to add your attention to this is... well, most excellent.  You already have your doctor's appointment, and you even filled up in gas without the light coming on!  Most excellent...

Yeah, and thanks to the three humans who have sent me AIM messages that go one way to my phone, since, wow, that is nice of you three.  Also thanks to the... three? who have paged my phone directly, to let me know, if nothing more, that you were thinking about me.  I understand better my purpose in life and how to improve it simply due to these small things you all do for Madd.

Maybe I should cut this?  Eh... you know... cutting... it is so not like JOHD, it is not... I understand its purpose... and then, no, I do not see purpose in it.  Granted, it is better than all most horid poll things that have bad answer algorythims, however I see only one true reason for them... and that is to keep pictures at bay.  Pictures are bad, since not all gather information on the internet with high speeds exceeding regular pots service at an extremely REGULATED, MANDATED, and POLICED measure.  I think, in closing (ha), to Maur... who relayed to me some how something about my long winded non-sensical posts for some ultimate reason for removing me from a friend's list.  Hmm... maybe those who would some how look at a conversation, just like this one, to you, JOHD, and think, that maybe they do not have a need for long winded strange tangent going thought processes to fill and clutter their screen.  It is the same as finding out a woman would not accept me for my past, to have her up and gone right then, than to ride her along in a way that could cause, well... for too much information for her to gather that later could be used to damage Madd.  Let's face it, Madd... as much as you have allowed human nature to taint your soul and course judgement, you still cannot be hurt by random humans.  Well... unless they carry fast swinging heavy objects...
Current Mood: not translatable
Current Music: "Data Selection Screen" - Metroid Prime

[[4 comments | Train your Brain]]


[User Picture]
Date:Nov 6th, 2003 00:23 (UTC)

Not that I can necessarily prove this before I pass out...

However, I think the fact that I read your conversation, through, twice, while fighting sleep, probably indicates a level of wanting to comprehend and be a part of your Reality beyond any reason anyone who knows me would see.

And that didn't make any friggin' sense, because I am Passing the Fuck Out.

I will read again, third time, when I wake up...

Ah, yes, one thing, I wanted to tell you (because I can't remember if I did) that I am VERY HAPPY to have nagged you yesterday and you got your doctor's appointment. If you want me to go with I will (if I don't have an interview at the same time).

[User Picture]
Date:Nov 15th, 2003 12:20 (UTC)
However, I think the fact that I read your conversation, through, twice, while fighting sleep, probably indicates a level of wanting to comprehend and be a part of your Reality beyond any reason anyone who knows me would see.

I can see and accept such a statement. Realize that some actions can cancel such a thing, and just to date from what you tell me you are, and what you wish to do, I still... wonder. Comprehend? I would imagine so... most people want to understand another who they may like more than a friend. Be a part of... I have started to postulate that it may be more of the nature of you. To this, I think back to a few times when you said "there is no way I could have said that", and you would cry (Sparky, defending), and to me, that shows the human spark of not wanting to show the appearance of being a "bad" (because I cannot think of any word, and I realize bad in itself is not the best word, however my theasrus is not on line right now) human. Um... oh yeah, you have told me on multiple occasions how you do not want to hurt others, and how you want to be helpful and the like. I have seen our friendship turn into this. With the letter given to me, with the current way you communicate. When we fight, I think you start showing the fact that things are bothering you, that there are even possibly aspects of myself that you just do not care for. To that, on a day to day basis, an ego defense kicks in. I have not seen hardly anything positive about me. It is strange how that 5:1 ratio works. The most I have seen, is how much you miss me. I think you make yourself miss me these days due to not wanting to show to yourself this possible side. Also, I think you *are* missing me, however, from a standpoint of something months ago, if not over a year. At least, that is what has been on my mind of late.
editors note: all comments expressed in this are opinion, not fact
[User Picture]
Date:Nov 6th, 2003 08:01 (UTC)
I do not like your use of the word mistake. because in the grand scheme of things you are not a mistake, you were not RaNdOmLy put here.

And I seriously think that you will be a parent, it might not be for a while, but I think you will.

and my offer to carry you child(ren) still stands.
[User Picture]
Date:Nov 15th, 2003 12:30 (UTC)
who cares what you like and dont like? :p


Mistake... no, I look at it from a human standpoint, to where mistake is correct, no matter how much one person wanted me. I do not incorperate God into my use of mistake just due to His awesome power and greatness. The fact that any attempts to understand half of what God is and can do is something beyond any human reasoning.

The only way I could be a parent, I would have to find a woman who I do NOT spend the rest of my life with, who knows this in advance, and goes through an actual legal procedure so that at some point 2 years down the road, the woman does not turn around and throw me to court. I feel I have finally lost all hope in being able to trust ANYONE. It takes one day, just one day, before a random human shows me that they are similar to all other humans who have betrayed my trust in some way shape or form. I have fought this feeling for a very very very long time. I have wanted to be able to trust those who I am very close to, that I would get the help and understanding that I require since I have so many problems to deal with. I wanted to believe I was what I said, with any human of a caring level towards me. Everyone is hiding something... everyone is having their own agenda, even male... I finally have lost this battle.

So, to wrap that up, I am not sure if I will ever be a parent. One of the things I wanted so much in life. One of the things that I thought I was going to get, and I realize, in not having any kids, that it was most likely a designed plan from God for whatever reason, however, it does not mean that I can't cry right now about it and be sad.

I appriciate the offer, I really do. I have to focus on Numb now...

> Go to Top