Madd Martin L Kroeger (madd74) wrote,
Madd Martin L Kroeger

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I Think...

... to a time, when I almost up and left my God.  {sigh} Aye, God... and the price I may have to pay for that could be greater than any pain I live here on this life.  I think to it hard, and I think to it to a point of never leaving my head until the day You take me away.  I do this, and I think... just how self centered and cruel the human species is.  For the life of me, I would like to think I could some how be an exception to THIS rule, the rule that every action done by a human is done souly for the purpose of the self.  Whether I give to a charity, or take my life to save another, everything I do, Lord, is in the outlook of my own self.  As much as I look, I can find no exception.  {Sigh} I am the same as all on this planet, human or otherwise.  So I must accept this fate, and fact... and then I think... and I think some more... the true nature of humans comes out most in times of... tension, I shall say.  I think of a time when I about lost faith in all that I ever had... when I almost gave up everything I believed in.  Of all the things I could ever give up hope on... You were the most important, as always You shall be.  I failed you... as the flawed messed up human that I am.  {sigh} I am not sure if it is possible to be forgiven for what I think and what I have done in my life, especially towards You.  I do know this... the selfish internal desires of humans really do shine when tragedy come forth.

At one point, I posted something long and huge regarding my loss of... everything... and in that post, a human I knew, did not even bother to care for the time of day towards me as to this massive amounts of pain that I felt.  The pain is something that very few humans could ever understand, and it is something that I myself have very seldom ever faced... if at all ever.  Lord... from the time I was born I knew of Your existance.  I knew exactly of the fact that You were always around, yet, in my younger years, I cursed and spat at You.  I did all the things a child might do to a parent when the child was unhappy since life was not going every way the selfish child wanted.  I was that selfish child.  I was that selfish human for a long time... and all I will ever do when reminded of that, is say, I apologize for my actions, for no matter how old I was, the fact remains the thoughts and ACTIONS were mine.  So they are mine to bear forever, and maybe some of the malice things that come to my life are a result of such.  I accept this, and realize it to be possible fact.  I still cannot help to think how cruel and inhuman some humans are who I have come across my life, and while thinking about it, dear Lord, let me recap from the top what I truly have not appricated.  Mind you, these are things You knew before human existance, however being the flawed human I am, well... it helps me.

I would like to actually take a time to start... before the first woman I fell in love with.  This is a time, dear Lord, that not ever before I think I have talked about to anyone, possibly minus Dr Jones.  G, as I best know her now, was someone I had... a crush on.  Hahaha, my first crush, and I remember, it was something that I had for quite a while.  I did so due to the nice interaction I got.  I did so, since it seemed someone who really may have cared about me, in a time I was timid around the opposite sex.  Of what I remember, I know I have forgotten most of what happened.  I remember being asked to prom... as a group.  Hahaha... at first I thought something special of it, then realized I was just being asked to tag along.  I remember home coming rather well... I remember the bus ride, at least, when she was purring her heart out to me... about another man she wanted.  Dr Jones.  What did I do, Lord?  I believe, if I am correct, I listened to her concerned and showed caring and compassion at the same time I felt my heart being ripped from my very body and thrown against me.  It did appear that nothing I could do was going to save me from the pain, oh well, I wanted to be there.  Why, Lord, why?  Why be there for someone in such a manner... I think maybe this is where a good piece of the Mirror Effect came to play, and the Mirror Effect had not even been born yet.  I would want to be listened to in a similar case.  hehehe... I remember going to Dr Jones place and we had a talk... he was very aware how I felt about her, my crush.  I never had any problems with him how she felt about him, and I did not have problems as to how she felt about him, even though he was interested in even someone else.  To this, I appriciate any strength that may have come my way... to where I jump to where we are most familiar.

JOHD, dear friend... I do not think you know the real story behind the first woman I lived.  I check back with you from 1995, and I see that {sigh} the real things that happened between my feelings for her and her actions towards me are missing.  So, as I sit here, naked, writing to you, I wish to make sure you know.  After all, you may have to tell it back to me some day, some time when my memory has faded and I forget what it is to be me.  Kit, someone I loved... for what reason?  Hmm... let me check. "Madd Martin: Darn darn darn!! I hate this!!"  Wow... even though I did not really hate the reference, I actually said it in a chat with her regarding her about to go, some time around Sat Oct 29, 1994 at 0847p.  Ha, oh yeah, back when the BBS had time restrictions on many, and I was not one of them.  Memebership had it privilages.  So, at some point through chatting and getting to know a human, the programming would hit me, and I would.... well, basically fall in love.  You want to know a fate worse than falling in love with someone and they deny you, JOHD?  It is stating that you are in love with someone and they say they are also when they are not.  I believe this role is stereotyped towards the male side doing it, yet, here I am, a male, at least so it appears from the plumming, being lied to about something very serious from a female.  Please note, JOHD, that phrase comes in later.  It is amazing how one could lie to easily to another about a subject matter so important.  However it happened and it did so to me.  It did so not only in this manner, but the so called reasons that made us not right for each other, or at least, as I was told.  I guess, when someone says they could not have anything to do with me due to not feeling anyone could love them... to turn around, and date a decent mutual friend.  Well... strike one against the female race.  The rest, my friend, I do believe you have documented.

To everything comes the inevitable... the first girlfriend.  First in every respect, being the first to accept to date me at my old age of 20+, being the first to kiss me, and... everything else down the line to actual sex... eh, minus 69.  JOHD... what did I get from this?  Hmm... an interesting ride, I must say, followed by... well... when you tell a human being that you are a firm believer in telling nothing but the truth to everyone out there I feel it is an extremely bad idea to continously tell that human to lie for you... it just... does not go over well.

So let us skip a bit to the Panda... an attractive woman only temporarily by figure that would later prove to be... well, let's skip to the quick part.  I think she only dated me due to the nice nature of me and the desire for one to "be with another".  Not be with a certain person, just anyone.  I still remember, aye, I lived in this very place I did.  I fell to the floor in from of this door here, crying, that not only was I dumped, I was done so in an insensative manner.  An email that did not even use anything close to "I think we should stop seeing each other."  Is it that damn painful to just be up and front about something of this nature?  I mean, can't I just get word that it is really over without me having to pull out dictionaries and thesoreses to figure out what the world a letter means?

Hahaha!!  Oh my word... Zeldo... for whatever reason this entered in my head I no longer remember... and I must say, sitting here, listening to it... haha... wow... this was my first attempt at music.  Wow, how long did I spend on this?  Heck, it was not even suppose to be called Zeldo... it was done so due to massive typing errors on my part.  Wow... so many things on this insane computer that date me to be so old... so darn old... and...

Okay, well, let me move on... while I now smile, hehehe, this song cracks me up.  Where was I... hmm... there was Laura, aka Ladybug... wow... I mean, wow, how a human can just up and turn on you like that.  I did not date her... nor would I ever get the chance, nor would I ever want to.  I remember I sold Kitt to her... she was bound damn DETERMINED to buy that piece of shit car from me.  She even wanted to give me HUNDREDS of dollars more than I was asking.  I told her to keep it, since I told her she would be best putting them into the repairs of the car.  That car had massive issues.  So what happens?  Over at dITZ, some time between 1996-1997 I believe, and in she bursts all pissed off at me since the car no longer runs.  Screaming and yelling at me, because the car's transmission went out.  Wow... you must be kidding me, right?  Well, this was well before I worked for Qwest, so insanity of this logic is not something I would yet be familiar with.  "Hey this thing is going to attempt to kill you if you pet it."  "Okay, thanks for the warning, I would still like to give you money to pet it."  "Hey this damn thing just attempted to kill me what kind of ass jerk are you?"  "Um... the kind that honestly warned you about how things really are."  Hmm... this is something else that plays later.  JOHD, things are apparently repeating themselves.

Hmm... well heck, let us skip to the most excellent of all female case studies I would ever not want to fall into... the Evil One.  Ah yes... as evil would ever present itself in human form, Ivy aka Michelle Haught would twist her way into wal-mart electronics and thus help bend my life forever.  I am not sure if ever I told you, JOHD, however the Evil One one.  She did... she managed to have me degrade women down a notch in the existance pool.  On any scale I could ever see a woman, she would stab in my brain without my knoweldge that any woman I see is less than she really is.  Any points of respect... less.  Any attempts at being kind and compationate... less.  Desire to be with... less.  How I never ended up hating her is beyond me, old friend.  Of all the humans, even the three I had hated, looking back... nothing in action compared to her, and her intent.  I have not ever wished so much pain and misery on a woman... and never before had I seen a human of her kind, and not even Arwen, would come close to matching the outright "wow" factor I would get from the Evil One.  I mean... humans, they are "programmed" to reproduce.  Even when they wear condoms, take pills, get shots, remove organs and the like... the programming is still there... and here was her... someone programmed... to be evil, hahaha!!  I have heard references to evil humans before.  No, greedy, self centered... people who want money, and the like... people who want to avoid the stupidness of their own existance is what I see.  The Evil One... this is a rare example of someone who simply wants to destory as much life of others as possible, at any cost.  I can explain, to this point, rather well, the actions of all the humans females (and even males) I have come across.  I can explain what made them think the way they did or felt (well, minus Ladybug).  Ivy here takes the cake.  I just... do not get it.  I remember her stories about her former boyfriend before me... what he supposidly had her do and the like... even if they were true, well... how one could turn into her... I just... do not understand.  Of course, the fact remains, how can you believe someone who just lies after lies after lies.  The thought that all humans I would ever run across are nothing but a bunch of self-preserving liars, well... she would be the first to bring this into motion.  She would bring the prospective of everything... well... to a new light.  I must say, to this day, there has not been a woman I wanted to break up with or not be around after a simple three days.  No one to this point holds that record.  Oh sure, there are people I would not want to be around after just getting to know them... but to want to date them, then three days later wanting that dating to end?  Hahaha... congrats... you hold a candle that I think no female, or male, shall ever be able to touch.  Of course... I may be careful in what I say.

I think the most pissed off thing, to this day, is not the fact that she was seeing my "closest friend" Mr Chance behind my back WHILE we were dating... however that Mr Chance left me for her.  My relationship with him was stronger... of course, her bent twisted way to inspire evil among the world would not end at me.  She would work on him... and his sister... and mother... and everyone.  Brea... her "best friend" would not even be safe... I mean... wow... how in the world could any human think in the lines that this one did... was she even human?  I understand the concept of being about the self... she goes beyond it, in ways... well... I still do not get it.

Anyway... moving along... um... well... there just have been many.  The thing is, in all I have been involed with, JOHD, I have remained honest.  I have... not even the most evil woman in the world... would I lose my sense of honesty.  Getting back to my original point, at least I think it was... I think some more... I think about the more recent of humans... the one who would take 2 hours worth of my writing and pain, and pick out a single sentance (or two).  A single sentance and focus her thoughts and feelings on that one sentance.  I would like to add, JOHD, that the thoughts that inspired that single sentance, we done so due to a massive amount of lies... lies... that the human would not even bother to say she was sorry for.  Did I ever get an apology?  Did I ever get anything positive?  Ha!!  I got "you dont talk to me for X time frame" speech... a defensive meausre to help her sleep at night, since as she said some time later afterwards that *I* am the one with massive issues, and cannot be trusted.  Hahaha!!  Yeah, I agree with the first part.  Never before have I seen someone go so insane over being lied to... even over little things.  I top this parity error... I top it more than anyone I know, and to that, I call it an issue myself.  Of course, her defintion of issue is way different... it helps her sleep at night.  It helps her get about her life, living her existance for her, in her selfish little world, and this I do say with plenty of proof to back it up.  No worries, JOHD, when the big one comes, this proof comes out.  The other insane issue about me... I would guess... all this proof I require about everything.

I take proof when it is presented... I really do, however, I see the fuzzy human logic proof more often than not.  I see "If love is blind, and God is love, and Ray Charles is blind, then Ray Charles is God" logic.  Humans who took their statistics class way too serious... or possibly... calc, or some other derivitive.  This is the proof I get the most, and people expect me to just up and buy it as proof.  Yet... if I present this here part to them... they would see it as insanity.  "How in the world do you get Ray Charles is God from that statement?" Easy, the same way you present your logic to me.  L=B, G=L, R=B thus R=G... or as most math humans would simplify it as, A=B, A=C, B=D, thus C=D.  Hahaha... yeah, but you know, it helps human sleep at nite thinking otherwise... that I do not... it helps them sleep at night by taking 2 things I say of 10 and feeling I have this high and mighty glow over my head, that I am superior to them when I do not even come close to thinking such thoughts. It helps them sleep at night thinking, that I hold some crazy point system over them, and that I do not even practice it properly.  Heck, I have a long conversation in a chat regarding Riede and that... boy, however he was, who kept taking the words "Mirror Effect™" and throwing the words back at me when he did not even have an understanding of what it really meant.  Hmm... it use to help me sleep at night... how did I change that exactly?  Maybe my Mulder-like search for the truth... truth... an insane search that I follow to this very day with a vengence, as if some day I will really find it.  Some day I will, some day, I do believe.

I wonder... why do I bother with humans... I mean... there were so many better things about myself I use to follow... so many thing I use to do "better" in my life, to where I now may not... what makes me do it?  Hmm... maybe humans like Gretl, who while having some nasty things done towards me, shined when no other human did.  She presented facts to defend me in a time no other human would... and let me remind you, JOHD, for when I am 85 and of poor memory what I am talking about, that these other so called humans, when they came across things said against me, did not come to my honor, and proved that they did read what was all said.  Despite these "close" humans read the lies and injustice said about me... did nothing, except, for one human, with more to lose than even myself.   Gretl proved to me that my entitling me as best friend was not done so in vein or error.  When she did it, it was not a blind "Madd is right and you are wrong" deal either... she presented the facts, exactly as I would have wanted.  Nothing but the facts... nothing but the truth.  If any reason I still talk to humans to this day, minus things as far back as the Evil One, and as present as 1 hour ago... it would be thanks to Gretl, a friend who is exactly that.

In... some what related news, since half the planet seems to think it their business to know of our "relationship" together... I will add that in less than 16 days, there will not be even as much as a 2 second intimate kiss between us.  For reasons that are the business of no one but three, things shall cease forever between us.  At one point, I thought it was going to be a point of removal of Reality (meaning we say goodbye and that is the end of all things).  At another point, I thought it was going to come to my side.  At first I was sad, then as usual, it all just went behind me... to the blunt cold human being I think I have turned into these days.  Able to see an important intimate long relationship of years and years totally end and be over it in 2 days.  Hey, it is my own fault, JOHD, I ask God for this ability long ago and now I have it.  hAhAhA!!  Of course, I could always drink to the point of drunk to let any real feelings and emotions out... since apparently emotions are there, just locked away... locked away for a very long time for whatever reason they are.



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