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Integrity - JOHD

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Jun 6th, 2003


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10:57 - Integrity
Okay... so today in class... God decides to confront me, in what is deemed a matter of questioned integrity.  Integrity is a new concept to Maddian life that has been assimilated and is currently being processed and prepared for possible deployment of how I once again interact with the world.  Yet more possible changes that can show something different in Maddness.

So one of the things we go over is cheating, and the ease of cheating, which I must agree, there is much of.  I believe more than anything that this day was set in motion, and I realize it was done to make me look over my own actions as to how I handled my Computer Science class.  I can rationalize all I want, the fact that there is no mention in the syllabus, the fact I was given tests and the like to take home... it is really nothing more than rationalization on my part.  I can go as far as stating some sort of injustice to me and all the like, of which I assure you, JOHD, I could find plenty of proof and logic (it is part what I do), however... it remains I have done wrong.  Now, I pay for it {yawn}.  The simpler life I would enjoy living but instead focus more on work.  So this surprises me no less than yesterday and a student making a statement how one would go utterly insane regarding something of which I did just that and temporary Drain Bamage was achieved.

Mighty Lord in Heaven, you have helped me in the most... interesting of ways.  I would see God as the ultimate DM (for any Dungeons and Dragons fan who believe in God knows the humorous irony of this statement, for any other human who would like it explained just let me know).  In my DM experiences, one comes along arguably the most powerful of magic, the Wish spell.  By definition, a wish spell allows for alteration of Reality.  In Maddian terms it could be viewed as 5th Dimensional thinking.  New 3ED rules of the Wish attempt to alter or tone down the Wish to not be as "powerful", however, the wisest of DMs *don't* put limitations on Wish, yet, instill the fear of, "be careful what you wish for since you may get it." Things such as wishing for millions of gold, to have the DM state, "Okay... as the words finish from your lips, you start to see small pieces of gold fall about you."  If the player is wise, she will ask to examine this, which may lead the character to look up, to where the DM replies, "As you look up, you notice what appears to be a castle's worth of gold in many forms hurling towards you, role D20" (note to humans: once again for those not familiar with AD&D, a d20 means to roll a 20 sided dice.  If the roll is too low, set by the DM, and compared to attributes of the player character, then this scenario will most likely lead our characters wish being granted by having tons of sacks of gold land on top of him, thus fulfilling the wish, and in turn, most likely, murdering the character beyond normal restoration).

Well, JOHD, I show that when I ask for strength of the Lord that He does fulfill these prayers almost always.  Most humans would not see He has done so, especially when asking for the strength of something.  I find this true for anyone who would want strength in something, expecting to get “bigger” muscles, smarter, faster, etc, and instead, having something taken away or something similar.  Hmm... time for an analogy.  In fact, let me use one of my OWN personal experiences, shmoking.  At one point, I do remember asking the Lord for strength regarding my shmoking habits.  I feel He has very much well responded.  If I take more than one puff of the magic dragon, my heart rate increases to an insanely high rate.  My heart rate was actually calculated to be around... um... I think it was 170 BPM or so at one point due to shmoking.  Most people who would wish to stop such a habit, asking God to help give “strength” for it, most likely would not see this as a way that God would answer.  They would want... personal will power, tastes bad, no longer gets them stoned, and a variety of things.  They would not see possible heart attack, heart failure, death, and the like as a very good response.  Another example, that I think hits closer to home for many, are those who ask for the strength in relationships.  They wish for this strength, and maybe, just maybe, the strength provided by God is that of the person “sleeping with every human they possibly can” in secret only later to be found out.  I think this better translates to people who want to know if someone is “the right one” and instead of the person having nothing to do with them, they end up showing interest in each other, they have sex, they do so without condoms, and she later steals his close friend from him, and... oh wait, whoa, this is also a personal experience, hahaha!  Yeah, JOHD, the Evil One... I remember specifically at some point I asked God about her, if she was, especially since she did not believe in God, and I wondered if things could work out, and instead of getting dreams or what have you, I end up dating the woman, and she is given (as opposed to takes since everything was my choice) something sacred that I shall never be able to get back.  Yeah... I could have questioned You on that, Lord, and I possibly did at one point, it is difficult to say since it was so long ago (going on year 6 or so I believe?), but let me look at the Reality.  The massive amounts of pain... the “loss” of Mr Chance, and much more... all stained in my mind to teach me a lesson.  Now... I feel some times I grasp onto that lesson too much... it some times may be a grasp that interferes with other relationships... or may cause many potential relationships... but then again... I think of humans such as Panda (who satisfies her own self-centered world by almost INITIATING sex, being naked, on top of me, and just licking my penis shaft a few times I may constitute as initiation when I only asked for a kiss) show that I do not always get the hint and learn from all my mistakes... so you know, if I do not learn from her, bring on the Evil One.  Bring pain, misery, and total carnage to not only myself, but millions of others... okay, okay OKAY!!  I am exaggerating, not millions... I meant billions, hahaha. So I have made bad decisions in women selection, and have had women in my life help show me that some people just ARE looking out for themselves and own self interests, but, JOHD, I am way off tangent here, where in the world was I?

Oh yeah... getting what I wish for.  So... I pay for my crimes, and to this point it could be more so than planned, after all, the way I got my answers can be traced, and no grade has been posted yet... but I shall not back down if confronted.  I shall not sacrifice my own belief on honesty, even if it meant having to wait another year in college.  I shall not bow down the way many humans have to preserve their own self by sacrificing what some view as “frivolous”. I realized before sleep, that almost every single rule I have at once or now established was once not the case.

Honesty... I use to lie rather lots back in the day, EVEN to a point where I would know right from wrong.  A three year old lying is different than a thirteen year old lying.

No sex or sexuality while Floyd is playing: my very first girlfriend, I remember, having sex with her to a CD... oddly and wonderfully enough, the actual CD did not register.  It was either Dark Side, or Meddle... however, I do not remember which, and there is even a possibly of another. So at least the REASON for this rule was not violated... however, there were other such violations before the rule became that of Maddian Law.

No sexuality with woman who is drunk: This rule was horridly violated a few times the rule was actually IN effect.  The problem here was my own observations on when a woman IS drunk.  I did not realize that the woman was drunk.  Now ignorance is no excuse for “the law”, so the only way to help this rule keep effect was to modify it to if a woman has been “drinking”.  Even this rule was changed and altered, since there were a select few I would encounter who WANTED sex, even when drunk, some times possibly to experience it in a different state, and then I evaluated the reason I had the rule in the first place, and I believe it went something like this.  When a person is drunk, they do indeed act as they otherwise would, however, things are modified and the like.  Best example is that someone may not have sex with me when she is sober, but she LOVES sex, and when she drinks, if she has sex with me, she is doing so because she is having sex with another human.  This is the reason I personally hold people responsible for their actions even when drunk.  I may say no one cares about me and life sucks and I want to die only when I am drunk, and never when sober, and that just means that my subconscious is stating something.  In terms of sex, subconsciously, ALL humans wish sex, because it is what brings us here to this day, the desire to procreate.  Being sober you can enforce your own personal beliefs to stop from having sex with just anyone, but being drunk, many of these rules may be bent or forgotten altogether. So to me, that is indeed taking advantage of someone.  The night I made out hard core with Shell, and the next day she did not remember a thing, and resented what she had done, was the time I realized it was for modification of my original rule, to just drinking.  Odd thing was, she truly showed little to NO signs of being drunk, and just proved to me, that my ability to detect a drunk at any given time is not assured.  Of course, then I met another woman... one who wanted sex with ME, as in, with ME and not just with anyone, even if she would enjoy such sex with others and engage with sex in ways that others would question.  This was a case where the conscious stated that if she was drunk she did not care as long as she was in what was felt as a special binding moment of two people who share themselves.  So... a rule is altered in many ways, to finally come to no sexuality with a woman when she has been drinking without express consent.

Oddly enough, the road to sex itself constantly transformed.  First it was the actual waiting before marriage.  Programming, curiosity, and an extremely horny first girlfriend paved the way for that being dropped, so the next step was no sex without a condom.  Quite a few women wanted the pleasure of sex without a condom, claiming the fact they were on the pill, or what have you.  The strange thing was I was more pushed on having sex with a condom because the condom represented a barrier of separation that would be removed for my wife.  I fought this well... the temptation... the lack of a condom in the midst of heavy making out that could have led to unbridled, hot, passionate fucking (hehehe)... and I was doing so well... I was avoiding the greatest of temptations... then... the morality of my being human... the Reality that I was not the most powerful mind in existence came along... the evil one.  She was *determined* to have sex without a condom, and at first... oh yeah... I was able to over power that determination.  However, as history proved, her determination to undermine who I was ended up more powerful.  I remember it like... I remember the most vivid of image.  The... compromise that was to be made.  I would fall to that which is a weakness in itself to me.  Compromise.  I find that I am huge with compromise.  I would have sex without a condom if she gave up smoking.  It was not all that I hated smoking as much as she claimed being “weak” and failing in stopping... so we would work on this compromise.  I do not remember the sex 100%... I do remember the fact she was into it, and the fact her claws were digging into my back, something I had not experienced before and must admit I am not really a fan of... and then almost the second we were done... the cigarette.  Now... I realize the craving need humans have when they are physically addicted to something.  I have seen this many times over with many humans.  Literally around 40 or so humans I have had direct exposure to the pressures of smoking.  It goes all the way to grandmother and her 50 year smoking streak.  However, to make such a compromise, to light up RIGHT THERE.  It is more clear to me now what the REAL motivations were, and this of course, is the story of the rise and fall of Mr Chance who would do things I have never seen this human do because of a woman, and the way he would feel, and act, giving up a life of just sleeping with whoever he could, for someone he LOVED, and to have her crush him as a bug, to further her own agenda... but that story is for another time, perhaps, or as a made for TV movie.  I found once that seal was broke, the seal of no condom, that it was... difficult, to resist in the future, thus, there was something else I would look into, something else yet (keyword: yet) to be compromised.  Even with the Evil One, I had sex with a form of birth control.  So... down the road again we would go, and it would fly for a long time, until I ran across a unique individual.  She was more so unique mostly due with how two people who end up falling in love are... that curiosity, that unexplored area when you do not see all of who or what that person is.  So then gave way to the second to last barrier... and at some point, in the process of making love, it would happen.  It was sex with no condom, and no birth control.  {long real life pause} I am not sure what prompted that long pause, JOHD... maybe it is because it would almost appear to me that all of these things that happened were extreme things considered bad, but I think I would like to remind myself that they are all not.  First off, I do not regret what I have done.  Second off, the only one time that I see as negative was with the one time I was deceived.  Of all instances of sexuality, and even with all humans I have had sex with, even though I do not regret what I had done (since it paves the way for what I am now), if only one thing could be changed it would be the compromise made on a falsity.  {sigh} That one instance of her.  Oh, and concluding the rule of no sex to where I am now, I guess it fitting to close on the only thing left (which, if having sex with no protection whatsoever is not really in my control) is to “not give a child” to one who would not be my wife.  Since everything I ever wanted, or all of these rules, were always under that thought.  No condom unless wife, no sex unless wife, no sex without condom unless wife... etc.  How easily the strong can fall.  Here is one of many reasons it amuses me when people think I feel I am better than everyone else, because... I am not, and I can prove it with my own proofs, even to the very second of this conversation to you, JOHD, I can.  So now it seems that sex and sexuality, all the way to having a biological child, may no longer be the “first” (and first was the whole point, to make my wife proud).  A lesson, from God, of which for any pain and suffering that I endure I totally deserved.  A lesson of my own flaws... and a lesson to make me strong to be a better human (and eventually beyond a human).  Why Data ever wanted to be human in terms of that Reality setting is beyond me.

So what rule, law, moral, principle, concept or whatever you wish to decorate it as has Maddness been with since day one?  Pink Floyd has not always been the greatest band in existence to me.  There was another band before Floyd.  I have not always worn a Floyd shirt even after having strong love for the Floyd.  I have cheated even when knowing it to be morally wrong.  I have had more than one best friend.

AH HA!!  Yes... the concept of a true friend.  No one has entered this realm in my existence.  Making best friend is difficult enough, only two have maintained it (and both have done actions to fluxuate) and many others (Mr Chance, dITZ) who came close did something that almost had me never acknowledge their existence.  So I finally found one thing... and JOHD, this is something that I have been searching for a while... I think I started thinking about what rule or concept I have not violated or broken around a week or so ago after work into the next day.  So now I find an answer.  Ooh... wait here, there is another thing I feel should be brought up.  Even given my Drain Bamage moment lately, I have not questioned the actual existence of God.  To me, He has always been around, even when I was as young as seven or so (since before then is beyond difficult to remember).  I know it has not always been a LOVING relationship.  I use to... hate, if you would, the Lord.  Since I was so young I do not see it as hate but extreme anger and dislike.  One so young has no real concept of hatred.

So now I have two things... two whole things of a vast large majority of everything.  However, my mind is more at ease that I have found the two... (1223p)
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: "Level 4" - Life Force

[[8 comments | Train your Brain]]

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:madd74
Date:Jun 6th, 2003 10:25 (UTC)
(Link)
Ahhh!! The pain the PAIN of these insane font and unstable technological advances...

{kicks font}

Too small!! I didn't do it...
[User Picture]
From:madd74
Date:Jul 5th, 2003 15:45 (UTC)
(Link)
hahaha, BULLSHIT!!  You did too these fonts did not change their fucking selves!!
[User Picture]
From:eyes_of_cyrene
Date:Jun 6th, 2003 11:01 (UTC)
(Link)
{{HUG}}

I love you.

I may not reach the status of "true friend"... perhaps you're right in what you said the other day, I won't truly understand you...

I am still glad to be your friend and at least at the moment one of your best friends. *sigh* Whether the fluctuations ever reach the point of no longer being considered as such or not, I still (and I hope will for the long run) treasure and value our friendship and the love we have between us.

*kisses all over your face*
[User Picture]
From:madd74
Date:Jul 5th, 2003 15:48 (UTC)
(Link)
I only say it from observation of what you use to accept of me and expect to what you do now.

True friend requires something extraordinary... to be totally selfless and uncondition on the feelings. At this point, neither of us do that for the other. At very first, there was a time when it appeared to not be totally true, however time would win in the end. It does this often.

I am glad you treasure our friendship still. I still do such for yours as well, or I feel I would not get so frustrated with you at times.

{LICK}
[User Picture]
From:ditzwill
Date:Jun 8th, 2003 13:25 (UTC)
(Link)
I've been almost removed from your reality twice. Man am I resiliant!! I'm glad that God has seen fit to keep us together thus far. :}
[User Picture]
From:madd74
Date:Jul 5th, 2003 15:58 (UTC)
(Link)
I am curious what your second time is... since from a shared experience, I am only aware of one... and to me, I think of another that I do not believe you are aware of.

I have not been doing the best of informing all humans equally, and have been using the Mirror Effect to back up the right that I no longer am required to tell people when they piss in my cornflakes.
[User Picture]
From:ditzwill
Date:Jul 5th, 2003 18:18 (UTC)

Re:

(Link)
The first was when we didn't talk for about a year because I called your bluff and then you called me out of no where because you found my phone number and called it. The second was the big row on Mouse Hole when I wasn't allowed in your part of the BBS.

I'm curious to know about the time that I wasn't aware of.
[User Picture]
From:madd74
Date:Jul 6th, 2003 10:25 (UTC)
(Link)
Hmm... not allowed on my part of the BBS... did I not let a few people into that? I am attempting to remember what exactly it all was, so I cannot confirm or deny the possibility

As for the other I speak of, it should become clear soon... I will let you know what it is when I post it.

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