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Oct 7th, 2006


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23:29 - Full Mooner Maddness

Madd's Log, Maddate 061006.56:
-0000,Orlando’s
-sing Hey You
-beer stealing human
-McD: Monopoly
-return pad
-Aeon TV: TNG
-not ready for bed
-slept
-FFXI/pc: RDM23
-clean time
-house closed moved Fri 13th
-poopies
-McD: Monopoly \ caffeine
-1530,work: 2 HR OT released \ free parking
-Raine: Quicken balancing \ firefox enhancement
-crazy customer day

So I went to Orlando’s, and they were a bit more busy than usual.  There was a human there who thought she would up and take my beer from me.  She probably thought she was hot stuff, and for that, she could get away with things from guys.  I do not remember if she was, actually, I remember something about... ass crack.

Well, per my statement to Jen, I did not close the bar down.  I decided, a while back, that I would go to McD to get her an ice cream sundae.  I figured since going out of my way and all she might up and make a reference to what time it was.  I did get a call from her, RIGHT as I had pulled to the parking lot of the pad.  Attempting to do any form of surprise for Jen can turn out extremely not fun.  This is multiplied when you take her impatience and multiply it with pregnancy.  It makes me not want to plan anything for her.  At least in this instance, I was able to use my “guess I am taking this food” wit to a point of us both having fun with it.

We watched TV after eating food.  We watched bits and pieced from House that we both already saw, going through some classic parts of that episode.  I ended up watching TNG, “Datalore”.  I did not get ready for bed, and I very well could have, so shame on Madd.

Well, I ended up getting up early, so I decided to take this time to get some FFXI done.  In the middle of doing it, the bank called to inform me that the house could be closed on Friday the 13th.  Woohoo!!  How great and cool is that?  Imagine that, me up and outtie on the greatest of all days, even more so than Dec 9th?  Yes, I think it is.  Of course, I met Jen on Friday the 13th, so maybe I will have to rethink that thought after all.  hEhEhE!!  Oh I am kidding, JOHD, calm down.

As I was playing, I would get some cleaning done.  Well, it was not much on cleaning per say.  I was going through and putting away a bunch of CD and computer discs.  Someone explain to me why when I research “discs” it comes up with “disk”?  Two different words, suckatore.  Anyway, I did do that a bit, and I was finally rewarded with the next level!  It is amazing how well I can take on people who are tough, and win, and when I am a WHM if I attack anything that is easy prey I get a run for my money.  The difference between the life of white and red.

So it was back for more wonderful Monopoly pieces, and some caffeination in the form of Mello Yellow.  Oh please, caffeination should so be a word, that is what baby’s momma has been doing to baby every now and then.  It is not as bad as it could be.  I am not sure the turn around effects, minus baby possibly being addicted and acting on it (crying).  Who really knows.  It is not like she is doing that much either, so I do not hold anything against her.  She is such a great mother.

Welcome to Qwest repair, my name is tired of your shit.  Listen, bitch.  For the last fucking time, I do not care the fact a technician was out there, I am TELLING you, that in the past, I have personally had customers call me, under the same reason you are, and at LEAST one turned out to not have anything to do with what we did.  Customer had problems with their fucking telephone.  So while statistically speaking, I agree with you, MY POINT IS CHECK YOUR DAMN PHONE.  THAT IS IT, DO NOT CONTINUE TO TALK ABOUT WHAT WE ALL HAVE ALREADY ESTABLISHED.  Um, sir, our company was not called “tinker bell”.

What the hell.  My moon calendar notes a full moon, and as much as I do not giving into the garbage that is full moon affecting people, my calls and customers have been something today.  Also, we have been in queue for the majority of the start of my shift.  It gets worse!  These customers have lost their mind, and are attempting to take me with them.  Three minute hold time to AZ dispatch?  hAhAhA!!  I will believe that when I see it.  There must be 8 full moons out at the same time pulling the mentality of all these humans at the same time.  Some of these customers may not even be human.  My fucking word.

I was not able to get as much stuff done as I would have liked, as we went into queue.  It had been a while since we had been this busy since the started release of OT.  All of mine was let go, and I think it stopped at there.  Also, as already noted, the customers were well out of their minds today, one going as far as continuing to note he was dead (nothing to do with his phone service) and that he was also the son of George Bush.  Um... sure you are sir.  He was the one referencing our former company name as “tinker bell”. 

The day started to die down some time before my last break.  I also found some really excellent web development tools as a plug-in for firefox.  I really hope to solve the problem of everything for the media comments being centered, as I do not want that at all.  Still, my day was stressful.  Well, not the day all in itself.  There is just so many things going on right now that my head is about ready to spin.  Wondering where the money in the mail is.  Have to have everything ready now earlier for the big move in.  Jen even said that she would attempt to not be a stressor in an email she sent.  That will be a cool trick to see :D  Master of Maddness, signing off......


Current Mood: stressedstressed
Current Music: "Track 4" - Sega CD, "Dark Wizard"

[[25 comments | Train your Brain]]

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:sewcute
Date:Oct 8th, 2006 07:57 (UTC)
(Link)
cannot read the rest of it as that I aM WAY drunk!

but THIS popped out at me, "I did get a call from her, RIGHT as I had pulled to the parking lot of the pad. Attempting to do any form of surprise for Jen can turn out extremely not fun. This is multiplied when you take her impatience and multiply it with pregnancy."

you know what Madd? this could be a) a good sign, ie she is on the same wave length as you and just happened to think of you as you thought of her.

b) you need to be nicer to the girl! and not just cause she is carrying your child, you know I love you, but sometimes I just want to WRING your neck cause of some of the stuff you say, and I know it's true, and it's good to get the truth out, but DAMN! The girl is nice! be nice to her! So what if every LITTLE thing you do for her is NOT reciprocated. . .If I go back to OUR relationship not EVERY little thing was reciprocated. . .you might also be jealous of her carrying a child and you not being able to do so, but you must also understand you CANNOT and will NEVER understand this, and should give her a little leeway for that. . .


ok I am done, and I am drunk, and am glad I was drunk to finally get it off my chest. . .I have wanted to say something to this effect for a while, but couldn't find the words not that these are perfect. . .

and you know what? get pissed at me, I don't care! you don't seem to see the other side, you see YOUR side, what about Jen's side? hmm? What about person x's side? You cannot see from their point of view. . .you are putting SO much pressure on Jen, blaming her for things that she should not be blamed for. . .

ok time to pass out.
[User Picture]
From:madd74
Date:Oct 9th, 2006 17:05 (UTC)
(Link)
um, no, it is a same wavelength, as this is not the only time things like this happen, and in fact, it has been the catalyst for many arguments, some of which name calling has been involved.

i need to be nice to the girl? i should get an award for everything that I have done for her. do you know that due to her own actions a few times she has realized the fact that she may push me away from her? not all of this behavior is new behavior. some of it is the same old behavior as before, only multiplied, as noted in this entry. the girl is nice?? do you hang around this nice girl you claim to exist? in fact, how about you ask HER how she treats me, and not just the fact that she is pregnant. it goes a little more beyond just every little thing. jen is on easy street. she has a great house to live in, she is taken care of in so many ways, and I do so much for her. if you go back in our relationship, WE ARE NOT DATING. i give her plenty of leeway regarding carrying our child, it is one of the main reasons I have not left her due to her attitude.

problem with your words is all you see is one side of the story, and that is pretty much well it. of course, it is typical that Madd Martin is betting the barrage of vented anger, for very rarely in a sistuation does anyone come to MY defense. you set up accusations that gretchen had possibly lied to me. lying, one of the things I hold in high regards, maybe more so than Pink Floyd, and about as highly known by the outside world, also. yet, through this whole time when I was asking around about it, *I* was the fucking bad guy. wow, as if anyone who hated me did not have the sure fire way to make my life a living hell. make a someone decent claim about someone lying, so that when I fucking ask about it I am the one who gets looked down. it pretty much well is like our legal system, when a woman gets raped, and the prosecution makes her to look like a fucking whore.

you think she is such a perfect saint, ask her how I handled the ride to the bar when she decided to comment what you think about regarding my forums, and things that you have said about it. what a classic form of projection, the accuser being the actual one who sees one side of the story.

tell me how I do not seem to see her side. I also want you to re-read my journal since you want to point so much blame at me, for YOU are the one selective reading things. how typical that you would up and take all the perfect parts from what I say that makes it seem like I do nothing but think she is a bitch and why the fuck did I ever have sex with her without protection. yet my journal, WHEN READ, sure points out a different story. I can very well see from her side of the story, so don't sit there... or lay passed out there typing to me, how I do not see her point of view. why don't you just ask her? talk to her. fucking pressure on Jen my ass. i deserve some fucking respect, despite the fact YOU do not seem to think I do. even Jen knows that I deserve some respect from her, and she has made it known. these are the things that I love about her and keep me with her, because somewhere in that mind of hers, she realizes what a truly great things she has in me. im glad someone does
[User Picture]
From:cmplxty7
Date:Oct 9th, 2006 18:14 (UTC)

This WAS an e-mail, but....

(Link)
Since you want to air our dirty laundry to the world all the time, I will join you and let someone see how I feel in response for once, instead of keeping quiet and just letting the public think what they will...

“you think she is such a perfect saint, ask her how I handled the ride to the bar when she decided to comment what you think about regarding my forums, and things that you have said about it. what a classic form of projection, the accuser being the actual one who sees one side of the story.”

“in fact, how about you ask HER how she treats me”

Please do not drag me into your disagreements. And what good does it possibly to do bring up something I said about her ONCE in the past, regarding a forum post? None – that was a reaction out of anger that will now have a negative effect on me – thanks. You want to talk about me acting rashly? You seem to do a good job of it yourself when upset, not thinking of how your reaction is going to affect a 3rd party (yes, I am a 3rd party in this particular instance, even if I am the subject of the 2-party conversation). I am disappointed in your reaction to that and how you handled it regarding me. I am aware that you cannot take it back, for even if you delete or edit the post, she still gets the notification e-mail that quotes your original comment. This was honestly the first crappy part of my day, and now I am going to stress out about one of your friends not liking me due to you passing on any negativity that I may have spewed forth at one point in time, because of something I read combined with being moddy in general. And it’s not even like what I said was that bad – and you made it out to sound like I was being a bitch to her. All I said was that I thought it silly and immature to hold such meaning to a random example given on the forum...just as people bitching to you about their myspace ranking bothers you – it was no different. I do not need your help in looking like a bitch, thank you – I think I do well-enough on my own.
[User Picture]
From:madd74
Date:Oct 9th, 2006 18:58 (UTC)

Re: This WAS an e-mail, but....

(Link)
i am not saying you are a bitch, in fact that was the point of one of the comments i made, and i am not attempting to drag you anywhere, and apologize that i would have. the feeling i had i am not sure of, because i was slightly in tears when i wrote it.

one of my friends not liking you? if you re-read, and look at it, the person she is liking is you, not me. it is amazing how someone always lashes out at me, or turns me into this bad human being for things done to me that i do not appriciate, and it is thrown into Madd being the bitch.
[User Picture]
From:eyes_of_cyrene
Date:Oct 9th, 2006 21:34 (UTC)

Re: This WAS an e-mail, but....

(Link)
Nowhere did Melissa say Jen was a perfect saint. Even saints aren't perfect.

However, if you're going to throw something out there that was between two people (namely, you and Jen) and use that to "tarnish" Jen's image in Melissa's eyes, you're going to have to accept the consequences.

Melissa is not the only one of your friends who has read your posts and thought that some of the things you write about Jen (in jest or not) are just really, really hurtful.

The little side jests to JOHD in particular make me wince. I don't know Jen. I have yet to meet the woman, but I already feel bad for her.

Like Melissa, I love you. Like Melissa, I sometimes want to wring your neck. You can be honest without being hurtful, and that's a lesson that you don't seem to have learned.
[User Picture]
From:madd74
Date:Oct 9th, 2006 22:26 (UTC)

Re: This WAS an e-mail, but....

(Link)
this is about one thing, and one thing in particular on my side, something that can be taken to heart by all parties that want to come in here and throw out their pent up frustrations in my journal, which is not only my journal, by a place, and the ONLY place where I can "saftly" let things go so I can better understand what in the world is going on in my brain. (saftly because at any time, I can lock people out)

this is about the fact that I give accounts of things, and events, and frustrations, of an entire COMPLETE story, that only one person totally knows, and another has a pretty darn clue of. Me. The counter rant to Melissa was because she rants off as if Jen WAS a complete saint. No, she did not say anywhere there she was, but she wants to bitch at me about things that SHE does not know the entire fucking story about, which is what now you are doing also.

What burns me about it? Some of you have had almost no contact what-so-ever, and when you finally decide to drop back into my life, THIS is what I get. No, "hey Madd, I have dug deep into your mind, since you so freely lay it out, and wanted to talk to you about this Jen situation. you seem irriated or something, and to me, it sounds like you might be jumping to things. of course, I do not know the entire story, so if you feel like talking about it, I would love to." Just simply "I love you BUT I so want to ring your neck some time."

I will set the record straight RIGHT now. Jen actually asked me if Melissa was pissed at me. She had already read the reply. So she was well full aware of it before I had any clue. In fact, I was sleeping when Jen called me. You know what I would have liked? I would have liked, that for once, someone fucking backed me up. Just once, it would be nice, that when important information that is missing causes some sort of stir in my life, that someone out there has my back. For you know what? I cannot remember the last time anyone stood up for me. I NEVER had it when I was a child, and through my times here in Des Moines, very few people these days do anything to stick their foot in the door, and stood up for me. At some point, way back in the day, I had it a few times. You sort of stood up for me during the problems with Arwen, but as far as I know, the MOMENT I came to you demanding clarification on if you had possibly lied to me, when someone swore to GOD that the information was true, I turned out to be the fucking asshole.
[User Picture]
From:madd74
Date:Oct 9th, 2006 22:27 (UTC)

because some times I talk so much I exceed limits

(Link)

I am not attempting to tarnish anyone... I actually re-edited (since I sent it annonomous on accident the first time) with a note, that in all honesty, was wrong. What is done is done, and it is not anything I intentionally did to hurt anyone, because dispite mispopular fucking believe, I DO NOT INTENTIALLY HURT THE PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT, and for the record of this exact time, everyone in question in these recent rants are included. Translation (since in attempting to read that, I think I confused myself) not Jen, Melissa, or you have ever gotten anything from me on purpose, where I did something with the precieved thought it could hurt you.

Some times I question this love that everyone claims to be throwing forth my way. I realize that a lot of times this is due to poor thinking in extremely emotional states of stress on my part, and many times it goes away. Still, it is there. THe irony in all of this, is that Jen sent me a letter, FINALLY, showing that she might understand that she is not the only one of the two of us who is going through stressful times. I finally got some confirmation. You all think I do is right nothing but bad things to her. Well listen up:

This is MY documented thoughts and processes, so that when I look 7 years down the road, I can see how I was. I read an entry of the VERY first time I noticed I fell in love, and I did not even say it, I described it, and it was awesomely intense. Despite the desire to write everything down that happens, there are a LOT of things Jen has said or done that I could have written down, documenting, how she treated me in some negative manner, however, I DID NOT. I go against the very nature of the reason I write.

So thanks to Jen, who some how, is the only one for this day who has somehow done something to show empanthy to some of the things I have to go through. The irony of life.

I will admit that a lot of what I have sent you, I already do not remember. I meant no offense or negativaty towards you with anything I have said. My emotional state is extremely high and I am very upset right now. I am on the verge of tears, and have been for a good part of the day, and I really am not sure the reason.
[User Picture]
From:cmplxty7
Date:Oct 9th, 2006 18:14 (UTC)
(Link)
And while I’m pissy now, and on a rant, one more thing...do not EVEN start using this all the time - I wouldn't mind never hearing it again:

“jen is on easy street. she has a great house to live in, she is taken care of in so many ways”

I am going to be living with you due to an agreement that we came to mutually. In fact, the whole idea of living together regardless of our relationship status when the baby came was initially your idea! I have done well enough living without you up until now, and if anything ever happens I will do well enough to live somewhere on my own again. Sure, it would not be some 1800 SF house, but it would be a place where I actually feel like home. You act as if you are rescuing me from the streets and giving me this house to live in, free of charge – do you forget that we’ve also talked about the fact that I am going to be financially contributing to this home?! If you want to keep referencing it in this manner (because you’ve done it several times in person and I’ve already told you it bothers me), as if you are just giving me all this stuff and I should be ever-eternally grateful, then let’s make it that way. But so long as I am working my piece of crap job and being miserable everyday and then taking that money to financially contribute to a home that we will be sharing with our child, then let’s start referencing it that way, ok? Easy street my ass – my job (including the atmosphere and people I have to work with, benefits, etc...the whole package deal) is just as stressful as yours, I make 1/2 the money you do, and I am carrying a baby that has turned my whole world upside-down all at once (emotionally, socially, mentally, and physically!) – just because you have had to make the changes that any man wanting to be a good dad would have to make, and just because you are taking responsibility, and just because you are very good to me (and yes, you ARE very good to me), does NOT mean I am on easy street.

I love you very much, and I do not think that you DO realize the impact that your words have on myself and others that read them. I was hoping that you would not get as upset with her as you did, as I was hoping that since she is a good friend of yours you would see that it is not just my friends that get upset at the way you reference me. Yes – I have come to terms with the fact that I just have to accept it, but it made me glad to see that someone who by default would take your side because they are your friend would be sympathetic to how I would feel reading what you say all the time. We all know I have many faults – being really bitchy sometimes is just one of them – I do not try to justify OR hide it. I do not pretend to be perfect despite it, because of it, or disregarding it...perhaps we should all practice trying not to sound so perfect, huh?
[User Picture]
From:eyes_of_cyrene
Date:Oct 9th, 2006 22:00 (UTC)
(Link)
Now he knows the impact his words have, not only on you but on other people who love him too.
[User Picture]
From:madd74
Date:Oct 9th, 2006 22:29 (UTC)
(Link)
I am *very* aware of how my words affect others, and it is amazing how all three of you have turned around and said or done things yourself that almost make it appear you are not doing what you are claiming I am not doing.

My feelings get hurt, and I express them as such. If you all expect me to sit here and realize that some times, you all talk out of anger, hurt, or pain, I sure as shit expect the same thing in return
From:eyes_of_cyrene
Date:Oct 10th, 2006 00:08 (UTC)
(Link)
You still seem to be missing the point.

I am not talking about you writing about how her actions have hurt your feelings or this or that that she's done that has brought up such and such a feeling in you.
I'm talking about the little digs you make, the little "jokes" to JOHD, the "oh, I am just kidding, JOHD, calm down!" comments.

I'm quite certain I would be the last to tell you to stop writing about how you feel.

If you're well aware of the effect these little digs have on people... Why write them? Since you yourself just said that you don't say or do things with intent to hurt.

I have more, will post later. I am sorry that telling you how your words affect me is contributing to your distress; and for the record, I am not intending for this to be an attack. I intended it to be a quiet reminder that there are other people out here who don't hate you and still see something wrong with your behavior.
[User Picture]
From:madd74
Date:Oct 10th, 2006 00:27 (UTC)
(Link)
ah, so the little jokes I find humorous, like refering a chair being a better discount if the guy on it having a seisure dies...

well then that settles it. I will just have to stop posting my entries. those things you reference to, ARE jokes, in the sense of the word that every single one of you have done to me. every single one. and you know, until it is made a big deal on the other side, that is exactly how I take it. a joke.

so missing that, aye, I am guilty, and apologizing for not seeing it. I did not realize my quick wit humor was up for debate (which I will be the first some of my humor is dry, but I find it funny, and as noted, this is my journal for my records, something you all seem to be missing the point on).

So no, I do not, and you know, honestly, people who are so easily offended by such things, should stop reading my journal, period. I do not want to punish the many people out there who enjoy reading my every day life, however I am not going to sit by and have people make the references they do, as if what I write in here is exactly how I feel. for whatever reason, not a single one of you has shown you understand who JOHD is. do not say that you do, or anyone else for that matter, unless you have the proof to back it up.

The distress of your words that you speak of is something that is just an issue with me, something that has hurt and burned me for a long time, and is enhanced with the fact I never hear from you at all, until you come to jump on me in defense of melissa for something she said, and things I said to that. This is the only time I hear from you. I use to talk to you all the time, and it pretty much well was dead when I came to you, of all things, from a letter given to me from a person who now you are best friends with and talk with regularly. I use to be in love with you, and I still love you because my love does not ever seem to die. I remember another instance I was worried something would happen, it was Arwen, and I figured you were going to dump me for her. So this is what I am upset about regarding you.

my behavior, to the tee, that everyone has a problem with is related to the person or issue who starts it. oh yes, this many times comes out wrong, or I simply blow it out, however, I am tired of only hearing how it is me, as if everyone else was absolutely perfect, which is exactly how it feels. whether anyone means to or not, the fact is I see it
[User Picture]
From:eyes_of_cyrene
Date:Oct 10th, 2006 03:59 (UTC)
(Link)
You know, being in a relationship with you taught me a lot of things. It taught me a lot about language use in particular (which is ironic, I'm sure), and many of those lessons I will carry with me wherever I go.

One of the many lessons you taught me, or rather reinforced in me, was that you cannot take words back. Once they're out, you can't take them back by saying, "Oh, I'm just kidding" or "I didn't mean that."

To me, there is a very big difference between you saying, "Oooh, I'll get a big discount on this chair since some old geezer kicked off in it" and "Woohoo!! How great and cool is that? Imagine that, me up and outtie on the greatest of all days, even more so than Dec 9th? Yes, I think it is. Of course, I met Jen on Friday the 13th, so maybe I will have to rethink that thought after all. hEhEhE!! Oh I am kidding, JOHD, calm down."

The former is your usual wit, and it is part of you. I doubt that anyone who has ever loved you would kick that to the curb. The latter is a barb. It is a barb aimed at one person, at a person you say you love, who is carrying your child. And you saying "oh, I am kidding" does not negate that barb.

You're going all over the map with this. I am trying to stay on point. I'll respond to the rest of it, too... but I REALLY want you to see what my point here is. These particular barbs aimed at Jen really bother me, because of what YOU taught me about not being able to take words back.
[User Picture]
From:madd74
Date:Oct 10th, 2006 04:31 (UTC)
(Link)
being in a relationship with you also taught me a lot. I have learned to better understand what it means to actually address a person's feelings, and I thank you for that.

That comment there, is funny to me. Usual wit, yes. It is not, however, a barb aimed at one person. It is a thought, that runs in my mind, which is exactly what JOHD is, a large collection of things in my mind. Many of these things everyone sees translated. Some of the, not. I make crack shots at Jen continously, just as she does to me. Note of how this joke otherwise translated:

When we went to shop for furnature (yes I cannot spell that word), there was a code blue that was announced in the store. It turned out a guy was having a seisure, or however you spell them. I turned to Jen, and I made a comment, "Hey, I wonder if that guy dies in that chair if they will mark it down more". As morbid and horid that comment might be, I find it funny. Frankly, if I was in that chair about to die, I would expect no less. For while a lot of people might think it wrong, MORE people are going to think it than not. There are tons of thoughts that people otherwise hold in and do not tell the world, for they are exactly like that.

I understand where you are coming from. The problem is, what you think I am doing and have done is not the same of what JOHD is. Jen and I have issues, there is no doubt of this, and we both address these issues, as Jen, like myself, is a big talker. I realize that she reads JOHD more so than anyone I have known (including my own self).

Regarding the over the map with the other things, it deals more with feelings with you and your jump into this conversation, and the reason I feel I do. Know that despite anything I have or have not said, that I do still love you. The fact I love you is what puts a little more pain how I do not hear from you until this time. I otherwise consider it closed, unless you have something you wish to say. I would listen.
[User Picture]
From:eyes_of_cyrene
Date:Oct 10th, 2006 04:53 (UTC)
(Link)
Okay... trying to address the points you brought up...

1) regarding my absence in your life: there are a lot of reasons for that. Some of them have to do with you, and our relationship (and things that happened therein). Some of them have little or nothing to do with you. And the main one... I was just tired. Tired of feeling like I always had to mold myself, my words, my schedule, my everything, to fit you. I honestly don't think you intend for that to happen; nevertheless, it becomes the easiest way to be with you. This is why I continue to believe in you, to believe that you are a GOOD person... because I don't think you intend for it to happen.

2) I didn't jump in to defend Melissa, per se. I jumped in because this is an opportunity for me to voice something to you that I've been thinking a lot since you started posting again. The timing was for suck. For that, I am sorry. I am not sorry for telling you how I feel about it, because regardless of what it may look like, I do love you and want you to be happy. Whether you end up in a permanent relationship with Jen for Jen's sake, above and beyond little X, you WILL have a relationship with Jen. And I would rather not see it hurt by something that I could bring up to you. Am I making rather large assumptions about how Jen feels about the things I'm pointing out? Sure. However, I will say this: it wasn't Melissa's comment that prompted me to post. It was Jen's.

3) What happened with regards to Melissa and you and me was probably the final kick to the wall of our friendship. I do, believe it or not, have at least a rudimentary understanding of why you handled it the way you did. I don't think it was the right way to handle it, but that's what you chose. All I know is... last night when I was sobbing for several hours straight, I remembered that the last time I cried anywhere NEAR that much was the night you told me you were putting me on trial. This led me to another realization about where some of the root of my angst with regards to you lies, which I need to talk to you about sometime.

4) All else aside, I am happy and excited for you that things are finally falling into place. My main point here is to try and help you look at things from another perspective, and not derail things with a virtual penny on the tracks.

Also, if you need help with cleaning or packing or moving, please just ask. At minimum, I can help and donate the services of teenager(s) to help lug stuff.
[User Picture]
From:sewcute
Date:Oct 10th, 2006 04:28 (UTC)

pt 1

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Why do you seem to think YOU need an award for everything you have done for her? You haven't done THAT much. As I see it, Guy A can do a, b, c, and d for his girlfriend (for simplicities sake even if it's not the same as you and Jen), but Madd does a, d, and that is you doing everything? I have heard you say things about how you have issues remembering, you have issues with procrastination, you have issues with dyslexia, with ADD. I am not arguing that. However, when I see you use this as an excuse for not doing b and c, *I* have issues with THAT, you aren't living up to your potential, you stop, and don't go further because you have these things that "hold you back".

Jen is on easy street? Sorry Madd, but being involved with you is not easy street (is that appropriate?) Yeah ok, you aren't dating, but let's see. . .she is carrying your child, you are moving in together, the water and power is in her name? Ok you might not be dating, but that is a pretty serious relationship. So just because you aren't dating you can treat her how ever you want?

How can you say that I see one side of the story? I was where she is (minus the being pregnant), I was "heavily" involved with you. MANY, MANY of the things I see you posted about her in here, I have seen you write about her, have seen how you seem to treat her (of course I can only see that through JOHD), are the same things that happened to me. So please, DO NOT try and tell me what I can and cannot see. I WENT through this, and you have to understand, Madd, you are a very difficult human being to be involved with. Not because you are male, but because you are you. You are complex, and difficult. We still love you regardless, and if you can't take constructive criticism (especially from those who care for you, and want what is best for you) then I worry for you. Because all I was trying to do (in my original comment) was point out something I have seen you do in the past (with me), and are currently doing (to Jen). And not even doing, but your actions.

An example. I remember one time while we were dating, I sent you an email telling you how I felt (even if I did a shitty job explaining it, and might have blamed you), and how I felt you were acting, you responded with an email back to me, that was BLAMING me for stuff, saying that the reason you acted the way you did because of me acting the way I did, you turned everything around and put fault on me. I feel like you did the same thing back in Spring of 04 when we stopped being friends. I feel like a lot of the blame was put on me and you didn't accept any.

WHOA! can you show me where I said she was a saint? I feel like you are assuming. I said she was a nice girl, and she seems to be, and you generally tend to go with girls that are nice (THAT I know from personal experience ;)) anyways, why did you bring up any comment she might have said? that I don't understand. She might have said something about her, Gretchen probably said stuff about me, I probably said stuff about her, before we knew each other real well. I feel like you put this in here to "bash" Jen, and that, that's not cool. . .

What do you mean tell you how? You do not experience things through her, you are not in her body, you CANNOT ever see her side completely hers as it is. How am I selectively reading? I have read the parts where you talk about the "good" parts of Jen, but those are FAR, FAR out numbered by the negative things. . .I believe it was you who talked about how there needed to be TEN good things for every ONE bad/negative. . .So do you see where I might thing that you think negatively about Jen? Yes you pressure her, she has to do things your way, think your way, you aren't open to most other people's ideas. It was the same when we dated.

[User Picture]
From:madd74
Date:Oct 10th, 2006 05:04 (UTC)

Re: pt 1

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Because things have been done on purpose to me, of extremely mean intent before. This is something that goes well beyond my toleration level. I can understand people, such as my own self, or you, or Jen, or whoever doing things they do not mean, however to do things on purpose is another story. These are things that otherwise the both of us have been working on, because we are both attempting to better understand her, and I love her very much, and did not require a baby to have this happen.

Your second comment is basically you talking without information, so I am pretty much going to let it go. The power and water is in her name for a reason, for even looking at this as "two friends living together", it gives her responsibility as much as me. I am not treating her however I want, I treat her from how I am treated, and THIS is the biggest key factor that you are missing, yet attempting to base your hole rant against me with it.

The way way you two are as humans is no where close to the same. There are a lot of things she does well beyond your abilities, just as there are things you do well above hers. There is no way to even compare you two together, depsite your attempt to do so. YOU CANNOT SEE WHAT GOES ON BETWEEN THE TWO OF US BECAUSE ALL OF THAT INFORMATION IS NOT POSTED NOR KNOWN BY THE WORLD. End of story. You know what makes me so difficult to live with? Because the problems and issues that others have come out through me. You are X and Y way, and this comes out with me more than with other people you woudl be with. How do I know? Personal experience, that is how I know. What is being done here is nothing close to constructive critisim, just like what I said to you was no where close. I said it in angery, and all I can do is say my apologizes to the parties involved, and they can either take it, or they can up and do what has done many times before. Make *ME* to be the difficult one as if everyone else is so slick and easy to live with, which is exactly how you make it sound in your rant to me here. What I am doing with Jen is nothing close to what happened between the two of us. As already noted, Jen and you are totally different. What you origiannyl did was take your drunken rant and blaster it out, letting go some things that obviously had been built up well before you were drunk.

You know, that email you speak of, which I do not remember (sorry), is something that *HAS* changed in me. You can largely thank Gretchen for this, for the rounds we have gone through finally started to sink in better over time regarding such an email I would suspect. Of course, what I do now a lot deals with the fact that while you say I attempt to put blame all on one person, a lot of this is the other party not taking blame for things they DO. It does make it seem like it is all my fault, whether you are attempting it or not. Notice in a lot of what I comment to now in rants with people (not JOHD), I note the fact I realize I have some issues. If this comes as me attempting to pass all blame to these people, I apologize. I am a strong advocat that any relationship problem of any kind is ALWAYS, repeat ALWAYS more than one person.

You did not say it, this was a translation, and in no way may you have meant to, I am letting you know how all things combined, it can come across as. -lol- Yes, I do tend to go with nice girls, don't I, well, except for you :p Actually, you would be one of the more nice people I have come across (no sexual reference intended), and thank you for those great times. I brought up any comment she might have said, because when my mind is that fused with frustration I am not always the thinking type. It is an apology that I owe her, for it was uncalled for on my part. I more than agree, it is not cool, hense the reason an apology is more thab owed to her. I *do* know when I do wrong, depsite what you or anyone else may think.
(cont)
[User Picture]
From:sewcute
Date:Oct 11th, 2006 03:54 (UTC)

Re: pt 1

(Link)
Before I respond to this, could you do me a favor and paraphrase what you think I said? Just put what I said into your own words?

Thank you.
[User Picture]
From:madd74
Date:Oct 10th, 2006 05:06 (UTC)

Re: pt 1.5

(Link)
The selective reading is because in your bash, in no way shape or form did you mention the NICE things I have said about her, the fact I think she is going to be more than a kick ass mother, one of the reason knocking her up was an option before even dating her. While they may be far outnumbered, once again, this goes with what JOHD is, and the fact, if you are going to continue to take things that way, maybe you should stop reading. I do not say this as spite or anger or mean. I mean, don't watch porn for educational purposes of how to treat your partner's feelings. I have already wrote a lot of things about the definition of JOHD and my thoughts for Monday. Actually, it is five good things to every one thing. So if I was writing JOHD as a letter or email, you would see a difference, however, I do not. Pressure Jen to think and do things my way? My fucking word, what planet are you from woman? You honestly have no idea on what happens between the two of us, as there is nothing even remotely close to the sort.

Jen is not a bad person, she is far from it, absolutely wonderful. There are parts about her, however, that if not properly looked at, could seem as if she was controlling or attempting to dictate my life. It takes a lot of patience and a lot of the both of us talking to realize better.
[User Picture]
From:sewcute
Date:Oct 10th, 2006 04:29 (UTC)

pt 2

(Link)
I do not understand why you seem to think you DESERVE respect. Respect, from what I know of it, is something that is EARNED, GAINED, not something that is just given to a person, cause you were nice to person x on their moody day, or you happened to think of person b and called them on the phone. There is more than that. Where is your respect for Jen?

"she realizes what a truly great things she has in me. im glad someone does" that pisses me off, really upsets me. From what I understand from that statement is that Jen is the only person to realize the great things she has in you? I will not make any "judgments" or say anything else about this, until I have gotten clarification on your meaning.
[User Picture]
From:madd74
Date:Jul 20th, 2007 01:13 (UTC)

bridge under the water...

(Link)
... unless you think otherwise, in which case, just let me know.
[User Picture]
From:sewcute
Date:Jul 20th, 2007 01:50 (UTC)

Re: bridge under the water...

(Link)
it's really convenient for you to take so long in responding to comments so that you can avoid things you don't want to talk about.
[User Picture]
From:madd74
Date:Jul 20th, 2007 02:15 (UTC)

Re: bridge under the water...

(Link)
I don't want to talk about? Really, seriously, that is what you think it is, that I did not want to talk about it. You think after all these years, that when something up and slips from me, that I am attempting to avoid it? I have plenty that I can pull up and say in regards to all of what is said in these comments above up, starting with the fact it was initiated by someone who was drunk. I can go on about a lot of things regarding the people in question, with what I know now about them, and be in total topic of everything that was posted before I made that post "bridge under the water". In my times, with dealing with things that get left behind for whatever reason, I have gone back on many instances, some times bringing up subjects that are years old, because at some point in my life, I get an additional wind, and can place a lot of how I felt back those many years despite me feeling totally different, or resolving issues with another party.

One thing that I picked up from others, however, is that some times, humans really do want to let things go, so OUT OF RESPECT, instead of just picking up on a sore subject where I left off, I instead leave the offer on the table.

If I did not WANT to talk about it, WHY in the world did I make a comment about something I could have left out of the 77 some new comments I otherwise went through today? Would you like a link of every single comment that I went through, showing you what it would seem that I took so long to avoid, including some of the more heartwarming laughter that was given from going back to comments of the past that for whatever reason I did not get to at the time?

I will read through every single thing I wrote (please note, that will take a little time, my mind is not 100% where I aws going with what I wrote, however at the same time I have a basic premise from some of what I skimmed through what it was about).

If I seem hostile in any way, then it is due to the feeling of insult of you posting something that states my intentions were to avoid something, as on purpose, and it was asid in a way that I also take offense to. I saw no smilie face or anything else to note that you were joking, either. It bothers me when friends with such a long history with me could make such blantent assumptions, which I might add, is ironic, given that at that time, you were actually being considerate, and not jumping to conclusion, attempting to make sure you realized exactly what I was talking about, since something(s) that I said appeared to have taken multiple meanings, so to get a reponse like this after all this time... not happy about it.
[User Picture]
From:sewcute
Date:Jul 21st, 2007 01:43 (UTC)

Re: bridge under the water...

(Link)
I am sorry, I didn't mean for that to come out like I was attacking you or trying to be mean.

[User Picture]
From:madd74
Date:Jul 21st, 2007 03:49 (UTC)

Re: bridge under the water...

(Link)
okay, thank you {hug}

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