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I Drive Ultra Slow in the Ultra Fast Lane - JOHD

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Aug 18th, 2006


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22:18 - I Drive Ultra Slow in the Ultra Fast Lane

Madd's Log, Maddate 060817.44:
-sing Time
-return pad
-360 demo
-Jen/O fight
-not ready for bed
-slept
-Jen/O left
-JOHD chat
-poop
-FFXI/pc
-ready for day
-1430,work: 1 HR OT
-caffeine
-Raine: picture housekeeping
-caffeine

So, I get home, after tearing a bit on the drive home, and decide to play some 360.  I am getting rather good at Galaga.  After a little bit of time I snuck into my bedroom.  Jen still woke up.  After some time about being upset about Alex, Jen had the nerve to go into me.  It dealt with a few things.  She sat there and gave all this bullshit crap about rationalizing the damage to Alex.  I had been talking about how angry and upset I was at myself for not doing a better job of at least tracking down the fuckhole who hit him.  Then all of a sudden it gets shifted on how wrong it is of me to think of Alex as my first kid when she is carrying my first kid.  She is carrying my first human child.  Alex was named such because I was getting sad and felt at some point I was not ever going to have a child.  So I gave human character qualities to him.

The argument got as bad as her resorting to name flinging, calling me an asshole.  She also got all upset in how I have not been talking to little X of late, something that actually does bother me.  I have pointed that the most probable cause is that my brain realizes that little X is not able to take in my voice yet, as fetuses later are able to do, added to the point it is her.  I usually have a bit of pent up dissonance regarding her, because it does not go more than a week before she finds some excuse to scream and yell at me, or blame me for things.

She made a snobby reference to how she up and saw me, and that should show something.  Yes, it did, it showed me exactly what she had been saying to me for some time now, in how I would do something and then erase it with how I would act otherwise.  I am guessing this is lost information, as I have not done the best in talking to you.  However, if I really dig for it, I imagine I could come up with more information on what it is.  Well, point given, yeah, it was nice of her to see me, I was surprised, and it actually brightened up the night, which could have definitely used it.  However, her being an absolute cold bitch to me, calling me names, bringing things up from the past, pretty much well eradicated what she did.  It is as I said to you just the other day, JOHD, it is as if all she does is nice things so when she gets angry she has leverage to throw it back in my fucking face.

Oh yeah, the reference to bringing things up from the past?  She brought up the fight where, for some reason, I called her a piece... paused, and continued with shit.  hEhEhE!!  I laugh only because it is the strangest thing I think I have ever called a human being.  I do not even know where it exactly came from.  I know that at the point of me doing it, she was already literally yelling and screaming at me around 0400 or so.  So I think it came with being tired of her shit.  So, there ya go.

The night ended with her, on the end of my bed, crying, in which once again, against my persona, holding and comforting her.  I believe the only real reason I did it this time was due to the only valid point I felt she brought up all night, the fact that I have not been talking to little X.  I referenced the fact, some points earlier, that I have not been talking to God as I use to.  Of course, she is being so self centered and selfish that it means absolutely nothing to her, that I have not talked to my Lord, the One Who made this child possible.  The One Who made sure Alex was only damaged enough to where the hatch opens, and is totally drivable.  The One Who I use to talk to, all the time.  I talk to God, He Who already knows EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT BEFORE I EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS.  A rational, that there is no point to talk to the One, for He knows everything.  He is out of time and space, and it is ridiculous that I make small talk.  However, I am human, and I humanize the fact that in “talking”, God is more apt to hear me.  So yeah, when I mention how I have stopped doing that, it is practically the SAME FUCKING THING as not talking to my child, who yet is able to intake my voice.  I admit, it is starting to get close, so I will want to look up around when that starts to happen.  For soon, little X and God will not have the same medium.  God will still know everything that I will say or am thinking, years before I shall, and little X will soon START to realize who daddy is.

I so do look forward to that day.  A while back, Jen made the false assumption that I am a guy and like many guys want my child to simply come out a toddler so that I could start playing.  I admit, I SO look forward to the time I can actually play with my child and get continuous responses, however, I also VERY look forward to being able to chat with my child, without seeing him, and knowing that behind that wall of flesh, lies another human, growing, waiting to be born without realizing it.  I very much well look forward to feeling a foot kick be from the lower part of the stomach area.  I look forward to singing, and playing music, and everything else, that is against those false assumptions made about me in the past.

You know, speaking of the past, I do believe that my ability to put up with the shit that I get is about to end up in the past.  I am to the point where that special dedication, not having sex with anyone else, is going to be gone, and I am simply going to get on with my life.  Well, I guess there would be nothing simple about it.  If I end up with another woman, she is going to have to deal with the fact that Jen is now a permanent part of my existence.  She is going to have to accept the fact that Jen shall always be this child’s mother.  Not ever will she be able to call herself mommy, not even in marriage, as long as Jen is alive and around.  Despite most of Jen’s best efforts, I shall not resort to any type of asinine behavior, similar to how Jess’ ex has treated her.  He got custody, removes all the pictures of Jess, and calls her Jessica to her own daughter.  Slime like that deserves to suffer a painful existence.  I shall not ever do anything of that nature to Jen, or anything close to it.  In going my separate way, I shall not ever abandon or not be around my child, life schedule pending, of course.  I am not a self proclaimed billionaire, so I still have a job to work for, to help support our child.

Still, I am not going to spend the rest of my days with someone I cannot vent to, because it will get twisted around to something else.  I will not spend my days with someone who only shows caring for her own self, and who consistently tells me how much it bothers her I do things, to the point of yelling and screaming, on a weekly basis, to turn around and do those things many times in return.

Well, something has happened to my mind, and I am not sure what it is.  I am not angry anymore, I am not happy.  I am just here.  If I were to ponder information about a resolution to this, I would imagine an EGO defense has kicked in some where and taken over my mind.  I think it is similar to what happens when flooding occurs.  My brain is not much in the thinking department right now.  I just want to sleep.  It was a rough night.  Alex gets smashed into to, attacker gets away, Jen lays in on me not even taking my feelings into consideration, I am finally gone to the point of contemplating that I am going to have to date someone else, her paranoia of all these bad things that could happen to our baby keep attacking me and I have to fend it off, I am on my second Dew, I have not been praying to my Creator, I woke up many times and was unable to sleep... I am just beat.  Then, to top it off, I am out of food, and I do not want to get it, I am going to talk to little X, because forming habits are not easy, especially around her, which I will have to put up with.  Ug... and... um, well, no, I guess I did not have anything else.  Sorry for the false advertising.

Hmm, I did not seem to have problems getting into the habit of brushing my teeth.  I do believe I failed since I started like twice.  I also am rather proficient at drinking Dew at work.  I do not want it away from work.  How in the world do I get back in the swing of God?  I guess talking about Him, meaning talking to people who want to talk about God.  Guess that means I should find a place, a good place, to spark conversation.  God, as always, please forgive me.  Please, I feel as if I have let you down, and disappointed You.  I still have the linger mortality thoughts and what happens when I die, and I am not able to shake that thought it seems.  I so do not know what happened to me.  I so am unsure what went wrong in my brain that I started to think, when I die that it is and it is lights out.  Where did this come from?  Did you put the thought there for a reason?  Did something else put the thought there?  Or did I simply put it there due to my uncontrollable curiosity?  By the way, thanks for calling me that one time leaving from Jen’s place.  That was, well, beyond unexpected.  Having the person address me as Mr. Kroeger was a smart move, as I doubt I would have talked to that person regarding what I think is wrong with the crime in this world.  Of course, You are beyond smart.  I hope I can at least remember to talk to You here.  Maybe a part of my problem is taking for granted the fact You know everything.

So things at work... well... who knows how they really are going.  Some music might help flip my mind on a better track.  hEhEhE!!  I saw you smile, Madd!  I saw you thinking about playing with little X.  Oh JOHD, I so cannot wait to give you actual reports of little X.  I mean, I can give you info on appointments that Jen goes to, however, it is not the same as telling you when the little one is kicking her, or me, and all that exciting stuff.  Oh, oh, OH!  Don’t forget when little X is born, oh wow is that going to be one heck of a trip!  The actual birth may be one of the only times Jen is going to be able to yell at me an get away with it (that and the events prior to the day of finding out she was pregnant).  I so look forward to it.  I have been told how I will be emotionally overloaded when I see our child for the first time.  Jen may be too exhausted, who knows.  I might be from just her squeezing the life out of me, hehehe. 

So I did not get to any music.  I did get to checking out a few pictures, and uploading some things to LJ JOHD, including the beat up back of Alex.  {sigh} Other than that, there was not much of work.  The hostility for Jen had died down a lot, of course, the brain deflating may have helped in that department.  The end part of the night dealt with the sad fact for the entry for Alex, and then luckily the day was over.  All I have to deal with now is Jen.  Master of Maddness, signing off......


Current Mood: angryangry

[[1 comment | Train your Brain]]

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:ditzwill
Date:Aug 21st, 2006 21:51 (UTC)
(Link)
Madd, let's start a Bible Study on Sundays. I'm going to get my work schedule changed so that I work a couple evenings during the week and then not so much on Sunday so that will give me a chance to hang out with people. I want to make a Bible study with you and possibly Jenny and Aunt Joan a permanant part of my Sunday schedule. Lemme know when a good time would be and we'll go from there. Let's start this Sunday.

I love you. God loves you. Both of us always and forever. :)

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