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Dec 20th, 2005

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23:59 - One to Beat, Two to Beam
Madd's Log, Maddate 051219.17
-return pad
-Raine battery not responding
-FFIV/gba: Playa
-LJ friend reading for 12/9
-Floyd Light install
-not ready for bed
-early wake up
-FFIV/gba: Playa
-1211,beat (26hr 8m) FFIV/gba: Playa \ open moon dungeons
-ready for day
-QT: caffeine and food stop
-1430,work: arrive early and still manage to log in by a thread
-business queue
-notice over 200 txt
-pop Jess: starts with the mud flinging with when I got to work opposed to when I popped her \ hurt that I did not respond to her FWD I love you over weekend \ rambling and felt did not give me opportunity to chat \ feels as if I do not say much anymore like if she did not talk to me I would not say much at all
-pop Ellen: sexual positions and drugs \ sexual experiences in past (her side) \ the art of touch \ massage plans for 1300
-$5 audit
-slow night time
-pop Jennifer/Q: discuss her feeling guilty over something I would otherwise be doing
-Connie’s Bar: Riede, Bevin, Katie/Bev
-new DJ sucks balls

So Spark was a bit passed out on the couch. I decided to play some FFIV/gba for a while. Eventually I would stop for food, and head home. I went to make a few JOHD entries, and I noticed that Raine was not responding. She was really not responding, nothing out of stand by. So I hit the power to see if she went into hibernation. Nothing still. This concerned me to some degree. I realized that Raine was under a two year replacement plan, and from what I understand, that would help me get data back, unlike the time I lost Ghaleon, and spent a pretty penny getting that data back. I played FFIV/gba for a while, and realized I was feeling... strange.

At some point, I went and was checking LJ entries, to a point of curiosity if anyone even bothered to acknowledge my birthday on the 9th. I check, and not a single entry was noted for the 9th by my friends. For some strange reason, something set me off when I saw this as true. I am not sure the reason for this. I mean, for someone who does not care about what the human population thinks of him (unless it involves lies, which of course deals with a whole set of obsessive compulsive type behavior), I sure get emotional about things like this of late. I spent my time and frustration setting up my Floyd light to hang over my bed. I used two screw things that were in Spark’s ceiling. It took me a while to figure out how to screw them in, as I seemed to be short real screws to make guides to put the hooks in for. Then I just thought about how crappy my birthday really was. The only redeeming part of it was the massive amounts of phone calls I got. Even if dITZ told three people to contact me, the fact is that they did, we talked for a while, and I enjoyed the times. Also, my mother remembered to call me this time, and thank goodness for that. Otherwise, I basically spent my real part of my birthday, by myself. The one time, I feel, that I really do not want to be alone. So I will give myself props for only having one day of the year, as opposed to about 345 days, like the average humans appear to be pegged to. While my mind has done a wonderful job (some times a little too wonderful) in not allowing such things to bother me, the fact is the re-programming of my brain was done by a human: me. Thus, there are still flaws with how it works. I feel that if I did something to irradiate the twenty or so days of the year I fall into a form of sadness, that I would in turn end up destroying more ability to show a sense of emotion, that I feel I have already done.

See, JOHD, what I figured out was that at some point, when I programmed my mind to not be sad, and not let life get me down, I in turn dulled my brain to the activities of the world, and my existence. I mean, while before I might get sad and depressed due to not being with a girl, now, I am not sad, however, now when someone interesting is in my life, it is as if, “so what?” I mean, it is like the door went both ways. Not only did I manage to destroy the thing for being sad when alone, I destroyed being happy when I am around humans. Yeah, some cases turn out different than others. I remember the brain functioning when Jess had tapped me on the shoulder as I was playing DS, and my brain was not able to process the fact that she had flown all the way out to Des Moines to spend time with me. I mean, it sat there and processed information over and over again, and was just not able to see it, despite the fact she was right there, in front of me. It was such a sense of overwhelming emotion, and one of those exceptions where I just simply do not react, which is otherwise what I seem to do when I am not surprised. As example, when dITZ had called me on the way to BJ, even though the CID showed it was Gem, it was not, and I simply was not expecting to hear from her yet, so the ecstatic reaction was simply predominate. Hmm... maybe that is the ultimate reason I like surprises. It appears when I can expect something to happen, predict it and the like, that I do not have a sense of emotional excitement. Even when I am totally happy about something, I do not show it. I do not express it. This is very similar to the brain functionality I learned in social psychology, how the male brain has issues showing emotion, despite having MORE emotions than women. I... I am falling into that category {sigh}. Well, I signed, that shows an emotional response to the realization that my mind simply is not where I would like it to be. It is good to know I still have some stuff left in me.

Thinking of Jess and her visit, and how I otherwise react to things, I come to thinking about dating and about her and about women and about my interactions with the human world. I cannot help but think how unfair my relationship towards her is. While nothing is noted on a conscious level, I cannot help but think there is much down there in a subconscious level, in a way that is totally unfair to an otherwise amazing human being who has been more than apt at giving me a great deal of attention and love. Yet, I am not in love with her. If memory serves me correctly, which, obviously, it may not, the last human I was in love with was... Melissa, I do believe. Tee-hee, that is spanning a few good years back, and also quite a few friends with benefits. I know that the Mirror Effect™ would have processed things such as the lie, and also a few ways she has dealt with things, however, something else is getting in the way. Something, subconsciously, is there that I am not aware of as to the reason my feelings are not more than they are. I know that there is concern in how she would respond to me, feeling wise. I know that she holds a lot of things back to herself, mostly things she does not want to admit to her own being... however, I cannot help but think something rather large is tainting me. Hmm... maybe it is simply me itself. Maybe my long and tedious journey in life has taken the route of re-programming, that makes dating someone an absolute equal to winning the lotto. Wining the Iowa Powerball is 1 in 126 million. A tax for people bad at math, yet, someone who was piss poor at math over at Dahl’s won themselves a nice little bonus for Christmas. It would seem that being stupid in math can some times be a good thing, eh? So maybe I went about fucking everything up for everyone, by taking those experiences I am suppose to be learning from, and building strict rules and regulations. Girl X has Y, and we bombed, and she also had Z and then Girl A comes along, and has Z, and some strange association states “friend’s only, with benefits.” Oh, and JOHD, this is the classic shit here. I am able to take and state, look, I am going to be honest with you as to where I stand, and let it be at that. I mean, everything is planned out that when Girl M comes alone, and then feels I totally wronged her, there is absolute proof how she is incorrect in her assessment of logic. How great is that? The great part is that all of it is logically true, and not just fuzzy logic, well, for the most part. I am sure a stick of fuzz is in a batch here or there, from rare time to time, however, most of it boils to a case of absolute true and down to the point logic. Maybe that is what I really require in a woman... one who can overdo my logical matrix with a twist of her own that rivals mine. Oh the insanity that would cause. I want to think more on Jess later, JOHD, so hopefully you will remind me.

So I would go to bed, and then wake up, almost a new person. This is not all uncommon where an almost different Madd Martin is around when the alarm goes off... which, oh yeah, of late, the alarm is an internal one that is waking me at the Aflac of dawn. I think it would be more ironic if I still had FFI: Dawn of Soul, just because of the dawn... oh never mind. So I would play FFIV/gba in a very most familiar setting, in the lunar core, with only a few apparently different changes. I mean, after all, I am without ninja and usual white mage. Then it would finally happen! Twenty-six hours and about eight minutes of playing would pay off, as VICTORY IS MINE! The great thing, despite several near death experiences, I would not lose my party ONCE. I think this was a first for me in any RPG, minus FFI, which really offered nothing to kill me (well, after discovery of the EXP leveling spot which did kill me off a few times). Of all that time, about 2.5 hours went into level building. Of that, about a little over two hours was the Madd EXP trick. Granted, had that not happened, I would have been about 13 levels lower when I got to where I got. Let me tell you, I had about three massively close situations. The first, I think I mentioned, had me about 15 HP, and everyone else dead. I was able to run from that battle, and it was being done as I was first building levels a bit. The next came in the stupid giant, when I opened a treasure chest with a stupid Last Arm. It did this magnetized thing that appeared to stop all movement for my character when he or she was scanned. It ended up getting four party members, leaving me down to JOHD (hehe, named after you and the love I have for you!) the white mage. All this thing had to do was scan her, and poof, game over. I was using spells left and right in attempts to free my people. I am not sure, but if I would have managed to kill them off, I might have been able to life them back, not that would be effective or anything. So it was hold down the fire button and hope for greatness, and that is what happened. One white little mage able to take them all down. Go figure, well, seeing as the character was named JOHD, I should not have been surprised that she won :D The final time came with that damn Plague, towards the end, that casts DOOM on my entire party, then cast haste left and right to speed up the death count down. Stupid thing has 33,333 HP, and the count down was at 1, I tell you, 1. Talk about a massively close call. Everything else had it’s ass handed to it on a plate. Well, the stupid evil masks put up good fights, casting reflect, and then casting it on my party, making healing them difficult (especially as dITZ could do it with summons, but was too busy blasting away with Bahamut). No matter, down it would fall. Still cannot figure out the reason I did not run across two at once. Oh well.

So maybe I better pull out the DMS IV r2 and run a cross check to see if I suffer from a form of DID. No, JOHD, not direct inward dial, I do not think I suffer from being a circuit, more like disassociative identity disorder. You know, formally MP. No, JOHD, not magic point. Ug, never mind, I'm driving me crazy. So like I am all ready for my day, ahead of schedule, and can you imagine that... I still manage to find a way to log in my work phone totally after the bell. hAhAhA!! I AM DESTINED TO NOT EVER BE TO WORK AT THE PROPER TIME! Okay, this is not totally true as I have logged in work a bit early a few times, however, I think you catch me drift. It seems so strange that I have so many problems just up and getting to a place on time. Some times I make efforts, and it is like forces are holding me back. The only time I know this to be a good thing, is the few times (one of late I forgot to mention) that had I been a bit more effective getting to where I was going someone would have smashed into me, definitely making my life un-cool.

Well one of the first things I noticed from my wireless provider is what I went over 200 txt, so now everything is going to cost me. To this point, I think I am about around $1 extra. This is much better than the $26+ I had two bills ago! Also, Jess would start into me, going on when did I get there, when did I send her, not taking into account that I may be at work at 1423, however I was not logged in until a minute after (had to save my QT dog from the car!). She also went in how she was hurt that I did not respond to some "I love you"'s that were sent over the weekend. My first thought was, wow, you sent me "FWD:I Love You". I mean... that is like telling someone you love them, and then reusing the same one, instead of giving new love, not to mention, I realized I was heading close to my txt usage. As I expected, this lead to talk about Amy/J getting a bunch of txt. Yeah, well, I know I am going to see (kinda) Jess when I come into work. Also, Amy/T was asking me questions, one of my favorite things. Amy/J now also knows that she is going to get little to no txt also. Granted, this is my fault, there is no reason my plan should be where it is. I have had time to change it, however, I am unsure what I want. If I go with the 1000 with the same price, I lose MB. For some reason, my phone is accessing the net at strange times, so I want to keep the 1MB so it can continue to do whatever it is doing. Needless to say, this is the same sort of things that we go thru many times a week. No, I did not say eight days a week, stop that! It is also strange that she brings up that she felt she was not giving me a chance to talk. The pessimistic views stay at a decent level, which is unfortunate. Then she absolutely throws in the bone {sigh}. That whole damn seems as if I do not talk to her anymore, and if she did not send things to me, then I would not be talking to her at all. I am done explaining this to humans before hand. I really am. Whatever/Q and I have basically stopped talking because of it, and humans can either fucking accept it or jump off a bridge... like I did one time :D -lol- Ah, memories of jumping off a bridge into water knee deep. Er, yeah, that is another thought for another time.

I realize, thru Gretl expressing her feelings of hurt a long time ago, that to come right back and say, "Well this and this and this..." is not a good approach to things. However, I have expressed it so many times, that at work, I do not "serve" conversations as much as I "volley" them. I mean, I have tons of financial things to work out on Quicken (like attempting to figure out where $5 went), I have games to play (which I was so busy this day I was not even able to really get to any... that's right, no FFIV/gba!!)... and yes, have, it goes with the rule system for buying video games. Too many times I have paid good money for games to just have them on a shelf, not ever to be played again. I am tired of wasting money, it really bothers me, so when I buy something, I want to get the most out of it! No, JOHD, I am not rationalizing. Do not even start that crap with me. Rationalization is when you do a behavior, someone calls you on it, then you think of "excuses" to compensate to not make your self look bad. These are things I have stated up front, have WARNED humans about, before they even have the CHANCE to say, "Madd must not want to talk to me anymore." *I* am the one who feels like no one is listening to me or understanding, that, or they simply (subconsciously) want to lay in guilt trips in attempts to change the behavior that I have now. It does not work. I had hoped it would. When I explain something far in advance, however, and then someone attempts to state that I am ignoring/not caring/heartless/{insert similar word or phrase here} them, then that aggravates me. The first humans I did this to, and did not warn then, I understand and accept my inability to do certain tasks at the same time (start convo with someone I have known for a while, do my job at work, and balance my financial books). I feel they have a right to feel the way they do. Those, however, who know who I am, or at least, have had AMPLE time to do so, I see as being subconsciously selfish. I say subconsciously, because most humans I would associate with would not do such things on purpose. That is the other thing, when I mention things to Jess, for some reason, she gets defensive as if I was stating she is doing it on purpose. Not once have I, in fact, I have stated time and time again, that I realize it is not something that is being done on purpose. Problem is, it would be better if it was, because then if she wanted to, she would be better apt at STOPPING the behavior. Then again, if she was doing it on purpose (or anyone else, not just her), who says that stopping it is something they would want done? I am not here to change anyone at all, minus, myself.

So towards the end of the night, Jennifer/Q would pop me, and we would go over some of the issues of “drinking and driving”. It was more a discussion of how I do not like being told what to do, or how to run my life, and her translation of how much I drink is. She just has it set in her head, that someone goes out, then they are drunk (.08 drunk). At least, that is how it translated towards me. To that, I will add, that she is very geared towards herself. It is all a matter of not wanting the guilty conscious on her own self. Despite all of that, I still care, and the conversation did not end on a sour note, at least, not on my side.

So I headed out and went to the bar to hang out with Riede. It was so great to see him! Before I could get to him, Bevin intercepted me. It appears that she is being more friendly (again) as opposed to passive and not as into my presence. I realize that she still has a great deal of love, and still is in love with me, and I think it is not as painful for her anymore to have the feelings. Maybe she has come to some sort of understanding about me and where I stand and all that other great stuff.

Speaking of great stuff, the new DJ is anything but. This guy sucks so bad, that he not only cannot get my name right (another name added to my database of nicknames: Madd Somebody), he has a book of songs, of which I picked Time, he did not have, and he up and put in another song. Luckily it was Numb. It was a cut version, however, that was fine by me. This DJ is more worried about mackin’ on chicks. By the way, there appear to be a much larger crowd of them now under the new management. Who cares if there are tons of hot chicks when you have a DJ who sucks balls, haha!!

[[Train your Brain]]

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