Nov 18th, 2003
|18:55 - Five Parts Insanity Two Parts Nothing|
Well, JOHD, it looks as if there are not so many emails and comments as I thought... just one.
Moving on, I feel that of late I have been falling into the human trap, the one programmed in me since birth that states some years down the road I *must* go out and get a girlfriend, and let nature do whatever from there.
**//Late Breaking News//**
Capp enters the scene yet again. You know, when they say you never forget your first girlfriend, I do not think they invisioned "soap ophra" Madd into the picture. My word, I am simply losing my mind. I mean, I have not had this many strings of "things not going the best" since... well... since Arwen (since things went so very wrong between us, not before).
My fear has become Reality... the "Heather" that Gizmo is almost practically seeing is no other than Capp. Hahaha!! Thank you whoever for the wonderful sense of humor. God... you know, honestly, I realize You are the creator of everything, can do what You want, and I know, compared to many human beings in this world, I am far off better. I realize this, I do... okay, so my calm nature is no longer such, and I have become a little unstable.
I mean... I lose the love that I had with someone who had been one of the most important influences possibly ever in my life. Gone... the only human I ever mistaken for myself, if even for a brief month or so. Doing my best, and sucessfully failing. At least one human benefitted from that.
My body... just slowly but surely falling apart, at such a young age. If it is not one stupid thing it is another. I am sure when I get my test results when I go get tested for STI I will have a pretty something or two. Why not, it would only be so fitting.
My mind... that I fight so hard for... to better... just to watch it fail, over and over and over. Destroying friendships and the care that was once other humans.
WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE!?!? Was my actions from so long ago so darn horrid that it cursed me for the rest of my life? I mean... don't I at least go a little step above your average human, by saying it how it is, and not taking advantage of everyone I meet? A break? Can't I get a break? Alex is not well, any piece of technology is not well... I never can win at that. Oh, but it does not stop me from trying! Hell fucking no it does not.
I am so weak... just so weak... I feel like crying myself to sleep, however, that would be many humans I would dissipoint later.
I'm... sorry, Lord, I really am. I am not attempting to blame You or anything for this. I am weak... I know it... You do not have to do anything to help me realize this. I think of myself as this great and powerful, almost non-human... able to tell truth as it is as no human can... able to listen to humans when other humans would not... that I am "the greatest fucking friend a human could ever have" when in Reality... well... I have already seen what I have caused to others.
of course, i never claimed i was perfect as a few others have... so im not totally egotistical, and I am just doing my best to keep a positive mind in a planet filled with negativity...
why, God, why her... why... why I ask because it fits into what I was attempting to talk about because I lost all things of something that I was thinking but not sure what I am thinking about anymore. Maybe I do give up... if suicie was not an immortal sin, maybe I would find myself 140 MPH into an exit ramp... one of those new ones, haha, that I cannot stand so much... that I dislike... man i cant stand that stupid I-235 construction. Boo to them... boo to them all. Boo to this city, and boo to the millions and billions of stupid humans that are so power and money hungry... boo to you, and may God take care of you in His own way...
okay... im a bit more calm i think... let me check... Madd... strike Bugs and Thugs... go... hahaha... now look, would I sit here and kill off ever human if I had feelings?
you might, rabbit, you might... hahaha, that still kills me, well good, I feel much better about myself thanks to a rabbit... a crazy rabbit. That reminds me I so wanna go see the new movie out. yeah, I wonder, just wonder, if I get a quick taste of that I love so much... will I get to experience it if I go see the movie?
you might, rabbit, you might
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: "Dark" - FF MIDI mix
I'm just going to point out one thing (I think) and then I'm posting something myself and heading to bed.
You didn't LOSE the love. Changed, yes. Lost, no.
I hope your night is going better, dear heart.
|Date:||Jan 17th, 2004 12:27 (UTC)|| |
if I have three Iowa State quarters, the first ever I received, and have them changed for a dollar, I have nore money, but I still lost the quarters
|Date:||Jan 24th, 2004 20:27 (UTC)|| |
i think your sigh could have been "touché" instead
suicide is not an imorral sin.
the only sin that cannot be forgiven is forsaking God and Jesus.
It's listed as a mortal sin somewhere.
no its not.
the ONLY sin that is not forgivable is forsaking Jesus as your savoir.
that does not mean that God is necesarily going to be real happy with you if you do it, I do not know how it all works, but generally if someone has God they do not want that, but as long as they accept it for what it is, free forgiveness, then everything can be forgiven.
I'll get back to you on this one as soon as I can...
|Date:||Jan 17th, 2004 12:28 (UTC)|| |
ok then I would like to know where I heard this from... for it is my understanding the Bible quotes suicide somewhere
most likely old testament.
|Date:||Jan 19th, 2004 11:41 (UTC)|| |
Wow, that is funny... narrows it down a lot, seeing that there are two parts to the Bible, hehe
so I take it you simply do not know... okay, ill ask around, for im curious how this information was imprinted in my mind
I am sorry that I do not have my bible on me every minute of everyday and do not have ti memorized
I am sorry that I am in France and not able to get to your every whim at the second it needs to be done
please forgive me
|Date:||Jan 20th, 2004 19:23 (UTC)|| |
your such a child, you know that? i dont know what your attitude problem is, but I hope you correct it soon
what if I don't WANT to correct my attitude?
"Every sin or blasphemy can be forgiven-except blasphemy against the holy spirit, which can never be forgiven. Anyone who blasphemes against me, the son of man can be forgiven, but blasphemy against the holy spirit will never be forgiven, either in this world or the world to come"
|Date:||Jan 21st, 2004 17:33 (UTC)|| |
i guess that is your choice, i just happen to miss the old person i fell in love with is all
in and out of love.
People change. I have always had an attitude, it just doesn't like to come up unless I am pushed to a limit, although that limit was not pushed by you. . .It has been pushed since I got to France (this year)
so I am sorry that I have not been the "sweet innocent little Melissa" that everyone seems to think of me as.
|Date:||Jan 24th, 2004 20:23 (UTC)|| |
no, it is not the sweet innocent little melissa I ever fell in love with... it was the talkative melissa who was more understanding in regards to who I was. the one who opened herself to me
besides I was not much into "innocent"